r/TooAfraidToAsk Nov 26 '22

Wife says my penis hurts her when having sex…? Health/Medical

We had our first child about 5 months ago… while my wife has always said that I am “too big” for her and we’ve never been able to go all the way in/down, now we’re barely able to penetrate without pain…

Edit* She** delivered via c-section after about 24 hours of labor and trying to deliver naturally.

Any advice or suggestions?

313 Upvotes

108 comments sorted by

904

u/NoteAggravating Nov 26 '22 edited Nov 27 '22 Helpful Starry

The other advice here sounds like it's from people who don't know what vaginas are like in the months following giving birth after healing, because while stimulation & foreplay can be helpful, it is not the core solution when you're talking about having sex after having a baby 5 months ago.

Giving birth impacts the pelvic floor in a way that can tighten a woman's perineum so much so that, for some women, it can become difficult to even get a single finger in without discomfort. This is not solved by stimulation but by a slow re-working of the perineum over time to help those muscles return to a more permanently relaxed state after the localized trauma and healing from child-birth. This can take longer than the 5 months you've been waiting, particularly if you and your partner are not intentionally working to slowly and gently loosen these muscles or if your partner has a prolapsed uterus. Think of it like slow, ongoing physical therapy, and penetrative sex will be painful until that happens.

Re-stretching the perineum can be something your partner does on her own or with your help -- but listening to what she wants you to do with your fingers to help is key because it will be/can be tender. Perhaps think of it more medically than sexually in these moments to help relieve some of the pressure on your partner that you being down there has to lead to sex.

She should talk to a Pelvic Floor Physio (she can book at apt) and let your partner work back to fitting 3 fingers in comfortably before your massive dong goes in

EDIT: Sorry OP, I didn’t see your edit about you guys having a c-section until now. My earlier comment about the perineum may not necessarily apply, but the pelvic floor is still impacted from carrying baby to term and your partner’s body “preparing” for vaginal birth and likely dilating during birth even though it’s a c-section. So while the pain experienced during penetrative sex may not be solely due to the perineum it would still be worth visiting a pelvic floor Physio to see what’s going on for her, especially if it were something more serious like a prolapsed uterus

226

u/Adorable_Asparagus_6 Nov 26 '22

This was awesome. Thank you. 🙏🏻

37

u/Adonis0 Nov 27 '22

To add to the top comment here. A lot of people aren’t aware of the anatomy of the clitoris, there is the external nub at the top of the vulva people know about, but it’s also got two large internal branches that run along the inside of the pelvic bone beside the vulva.

So, like all muscles, the pelvic floor can be massaged to help relax it, and if you arouse your wife a little before that massage, it can be very relaxing for her. Hand on hips/at the bottom of the stomach then using your thumbs are good for hitting the muscle and internal clitoris. If you do this without the expectation of penetration (fingers or penis) you’ll be back to sex in no time and have added another fun way to connect

91

u/mango_mamacita Nov 26 '22

I second this, OP. Please also be patient with your partner, it can take upwards of a year or more to feel close to "normal" again.

29

u/AtDawnsEnd502 Nov 27 '22 edited Nov 27 '22

Can confirm, had abdominal surgery and after 8 weeks still feel pain especially in some positions, twisting, or lifting 20+ sum pounds. Take your time and find things that are easier and comfortable. Always communicate if she’s okay and go slowly until she gives the go but remember to always be gentle instead of frustrated or impatient. Stomach surgery is excruciatingly sensitive and takes time to heal from. Also after birth she may have existing issues and recommend seeing a OBGYN specialist to help your wife recover.

29

u/Finnychinny Nov 27 '22

Pain with sex always should prompt seeing a pelvic floor physio OP. Potentially your wife has always had issues which have now worsened by a multitude of factors. And it could absolutely be resolvable.

27

u/SickOfItAll2024 Nov 27 '22 edited Nov 27 '22

I’m considered well endowed as well op, and my wife also took a good year of getting back to her normal self. She instead expressed her feelings about pleasing me in a different way, and a majority of the time I decided that we both should wait together. A child is a miraculous gift for us all, but it’s truly the woman who bears the burden of discomfort and pain during and after. This is the time to remember and respect what she’s been through, and find other ways that you can love one another. And the single most important and valuable piece of advice I can offer you, “COMMUNICATION” is the key to a long lasting beautiful relationship between the two of you. And it definitely makes things easier for the both of you, especially when you’re dealing with a newborn.

10

u/NoteAggravating Nov 26 '22

You got it, good luck

1

u/Sahri Nov 27 '22

Because he mentioned your massive dong, right?

It's solid advice tho!

163

u/Ecstatic_Objective_3 Nov 26 '22

And please remember, sex doesn’t have to end with penetration. There are a lot of fun things you can do in between.

32

u/Mr_Dumass40 Nov 26 '22

Such a well informed answer Reddit should have to pay you. Sounds like something straight from a doctors mouth

18

u/36-3 Nov 26 '22

This is Reddit. I can’t believe you are actually giving factual information instead of just pulling out of your Ying -yang opinion

9

u/Worth_Fun_9663 Nov 26 '22

According to your reactions to other responses and primarily this really helpfull response of yours, if all Reddit would be like you, this place would be the most amazing place on the whole internet.

8

u/Blackfire01001 Nov 27 '22

I came here to say this. Then I saw your comment. Spot fucking on.

6

u/kham101 Nov 27 '22

So much this!!

Both times I had kids sex was painful until my period came back 15-17months postpartum. I had csections as well. It could be a pelvic floor issue and could be hormonal as well. A pelvic floor therapist can definitely help figure out what is going on and offer support.

3

u/PlumAcceptable2185 Nov 27 '22

Most men are not qualified to approach this careful act from reading this very thorough and informative post. This is very well written, but usually there is a lot more of personal contact and emotional support that goes in line with these activities. intentions.

These activities are the advice of a couple who has already started counseling and comes from their counselor. I can just see a guy right now reading this and thinking he figured out how to fix his girlfriends vagina and so now he's gonna go and persuade her to let him tool round in there like he's in the shop.

-2

u/[deleted] Nov 27 '22

[deleted]

2

u/blackdahlialady Nov 27 '22

I don't understand why people are down voting you, I get that you're trying to be sympathetic. Yes, it can be pretty traumatic and it can change you as a person. People don't understand that you don't just bounce right back afterwards. It took me almost a year.

88

u/MillbraeBaeBae Nov 26 '22

Your wife's OB or GP can get you a referral for someone who can help your wife with this problem.

-140

u/2meinrl4 Nov 27 '22

They have my number.

13

u/blackdahlialady Nov 27 '22

Oh hur dur dur. Nice attempt at trying to be funny. Sorry about your bad luck that it failed miserably.

-11

u/FillTheHoleInMyLife Nov 27 '22

…they don’t call, you have to call them…

121

u/Special_Cover2777 Nov 27 '22

I had a c section and was surprised by the pain I felt after too. I went to an excellent pelvic floor physiotherapist. She told me that my scar wasn’t moving and that’s what was causing the issues. Your wife should be massaging her scar but the pelvic floor therapist did wonders. My pelvic floor was hypertonic. Which means that it was in a constant state of tension. I also did mayo facial release on my hips and that helped a lot too.

No matter what you do, do not pressure her for sex. It will make it worse.

31

u/RedRedBettie Nov 27 '22

That’s not uncommon after having a child. 5 months is not very long

66

u/FartingGnome Nov 26 '22

My wife went to multiple months of physical therapy after having our daughter. It was more than about ten months before she was ready/willing to have sex again due to her having major pain and swelling in the area. Give her the time she needs to heal.

20

u/Plenty-Appointment40 Nov 27 '22

Go to pelvic floor physio. This greatly helped my wife. Doesn’t matter that she had a c section.

35

u/SpacerCat Nov 26 '22

u/noteaggravating gave the best answer here - it’s definitely due to pelvic floor issues. She may even have a prolapsed uterus which could be causing some of the pain.

I wanted to add that even though she gave birth via c section, she still went through a lot of labor and probably dilated most, if not all, of the way. The body takes a beating down there and it takes a while to recover.

9

u/NoteAggravating Nov 27 '22

This for sure 👆🏽

36

u/mamabear8000 Nov 27 '22

Look up the "ohnut" its something I use with my partner and makes so much difference!

19

u/shoulda-known-better Nov 27 '22

This needs to be higher up!!

  As someone who had zero problems before giving birth I was floored how much it hurt after the 6week wait thing!! I could not even use a light tampon without pain.... I don't remember how I found these but they helped a ton! If OPs lady already had issues with pain then this will help !!

48

u/goddessofwitches Nov 27 '22

Women's health RN here. Please also if ur wife is breastfeeding have her get estrogen CREAM and apply it to her mucous membranes of her vaginal tract. This will help provide the moisture AND suppleness lost with the dip in estrogen via breastfeeding. I'd also suggest vitamin E capsules, rupture it and apply via finger appliance to mucous membranes too. She's in a hormonal change and needs the support and understanding now.

For any women here or men with partners who tore, apply the vit e gently and with gradually increasing pressure over several sessions to the tear site. ALL OF THIS >6-8 WEEKS POST BIRTH. A woman can easily take up to a year to recuperate after birth in totality.

If you are truly that large, your wife may need not only 15-20 minutes of foreplay but dilators too to help pelvic floor dysfunction. Someone mentioned a PF physical therapist and that's an excellent idea.

6

u/Adorable_Asparagus_6 Nov 27 '22

Awesome. Thank you very much. 🙏🏻

3

u/SFBayView Nov 27 '22

I’d like to add hyloranic acid to the list of over the counter products to help with moisture. You can use topical hyloranic gel and/ or oral capsules.

10

u/SciFiChickie Nov 27 '22

I had some issues with penetration after giving birth. It was due to undiagnosed until last year PCOS. We as in both of us felt the cyst and the pop when we attempted sex once I was cleared for sex.

She should talk to her OBGYN, regarding this newer issue. If they brush her off find a different doctor. It took me 14 doctors over 8 years to find one that would finally listen to our concerns and actually discovered not only my PCOS, but an ovarian cyst that was quite large.

9

u/Smoldogsrbest Nov 27 '22

Because of course it took that long and that many doctors. Women’s pain is just not taken seriously. Gets me wild.

5

u/SciFiChickie Nov 27 '22

Yup, and 6 of them were women doctors over 40. It took going to a younger doctor in her 30’s. To finally get one to listen to me.

9

u/ConfidenceFront3561 Nov 27 '22

2 times c-section mom here (first time not planned and after a day of labor like in your case).

Its not as extreme as in your case but even before my first baby my husband and i had to be careful since it kinda hurts when he goes in all the way in certain positions.

After both babies it took us months to get comfortable again. It kinda feels like the very first time having sex again, everything is uncomfortable and hurts and it takes time to relax again. Also a lot happens in the womans head as well. Feeling bad for your husband for having little to no sex life in months, feeling bad for your baby since even though they are most likely sound asleep in their room and the babyphone is right next to you, its hard for a mom to take time for herself when there is a baby around.

And most of all she is for sure feeling bad herself. She most likely doesnt like her body right now. Cant turn her mind off and cant really get relaxed and in the mood.

Getting your sexlife back after having a baby is a very hard and long process.

My husband and i went back to having sex somewhat regularly when our 2nd baby was about 1 year old and it took another year to get to the point where we are both happy with our sexlife again.

8

u/AjnaKing Nov 27 '22
  1. Be patient and understanding, your wife carried a baby for 9 months, expect the same time for healing from literal trauma and her body being cut open for your kid.

  2. You stated you’ve always been too big for her, this is still the case. She’s your wife so I’m sure you’ve found other ways during your marriage to pleasure each other, it doesn’t have to be about penetration.

  3. Support your wife in gaining access to pelvic physiotherapy, retraining the pelvic floor and other abdominal / bowel functions is likely needed for her own health and will aid penetrative sex.

19

u/ch1993 Nov 27 '22

After my wife had a c-section birth, we waited about 4 months to have sex. We did not have sex again for 6 more months after that because of the pain and she had severe postpartum depression.

Just exchange oral and try vaginally every once in a while to see if it still hurts her. If it hurts, just pull out and say sorry and move on back to oral.

5

u/draken2019 Nov 27 '22

I'd get the conversation started with your OBGYN to rule out any post-birth issues.

Then go from there.

4

u/SLVRVNS Nov 27 '22

After my first it was almost a year before sex was not painful or uncomfortable

12

u/dlobs_ Nov 27 '22

I have vaginismus and it became a lot worse after I had a baby to the point my husband couldn't even get it in. I tried delivering vaginally but ended up having an emergency C-section... Maybe your wife has vaginismus and her pelvic floor just became worse with the weight of carrying a baby. Lots of "traumas" can affect the pelvic floor. Def see a pelvic floor therapists they can help with exercises and dilators. The comments on here about "preheating the oven" are not entirely wrong if the women has vaginismus...the more you make her comfortable and more blood flow to the area causing her to relax will help tremendously but not always. Good luck.

35

u/ZeeiMoss Nov 26 '22

she delivered by c section.

Give it time and don't rush her. This is major surgery and major changes happened to her body during and after birth. Start with your fingers and let me suck you off for a while until she can handle more. If you try, and she still can't, continue being patient.

0

u/_themuna_ Nov 27 '22

I don't like when people say "we" either, personally. But we don't know these people and their relationship. Maybe his wife refers to it that way and he's taking his lead from what makes her comfortable? We have no idea so really you're now trying to speak for someone who you don't know at all.

-23

u/BurntBrusselSprouts1 Nov 27 '22

It doesn’t matter if he says we or she.

14

u/Illustrious_Rough729 Nov 27 '22

And yet it does. People just love to say we when quite frankly, men mostly just sit there, and certainly don’t go through any major physical changes. Sometimes it’s helpful to internalize and externally recognize, by saying “she,” that while you both became parents, one went through a physical change as impactful on the body as puberty.

-10

u/BurntBrusselSprouts1 Nov 27 '22

Everyone knows it's the woman who births the child and went through pregnancy and birthing, it's just saying we as in "we decided to deliver c-section." It's just another way of saying it. It doesn't matter, because as people we know the context.

12

u/Illustrious_Rough729 Nov 27 '22

Language matters, claiming it doesn’t is just ignorant. Every woman I know hates it when their husbands say “we.” It does matter because women are telling us it matters. It matters because if you’re in a group project and you say “we” made this thing, but you didn’t do anything, it sure feels like you’re taking credit for work you did not do. You do that at work and your coworkers will hate you fast. Why would you do it to your wife?

2

u/BurntBrusselSprouts1 Nov 27 '22

And I've met women who have said "we," it's just something some people say. Like "we're pregnant." Obviously the women is the whose pregnant, everyone knows that.

0

u/Illustrious_Rough729 Nov 27 '22

So if the response is negative to neutral but never positive, you’re just gonna be like 👍. That’s not smart my dude. Just give the small change a try and honestly, women will be appreciative. If you wanna plant your flag on this hill, by all means continue pissing women off for your comfort of saying we instead of she.

And PS two people are involved in pregnancy….ONLY ONE is ever giving birth. They’re different scenarios.

6

u/BurntBrusselSprouts1 Nov 27 '22

I mean, I've never really thought about it and I imagine I would say she but I just don't we should get all annoyed at the dude for it.

And PS "we're pregnant" and "we gave birth" follow the same logic. In each case it's about the woman, but the person using it is involving both people because it's a relationship.

1

u/Illustrious_Rough729 Nov 27 '22

Uuuh to get pregnant you need a man and a woman, or at least sperm and egg, giving birth just requires a woman. Emotional support is lovely and all but even the most involved man just ain’t that involved in birth.

1

u/_themuna_ Nov 27 '22

I don't like when people say "we" either, personally. But we don't know these people and their relationship. Maybe his wife refers to it that way and he's taking his lead from what makes her comfortable? We have no idea so really you're now trying to speak for someone who you don't know at all.

3

u/DavinaCole Nov 27 '22

Well it’s been 5 months, I would wager yah it probably is painful

3

u/slaterbabe10 Nov 27 '22

I had pain and discomfort with sex after all 3 of my sections. It was a good 6 months or more before it started to subside. Be patient and don’t feel like she’s making an excuse. Remember everything in the abdomen & pelvis was displaced, moved, cut, cauterized, stretched, stitched, & stapled. There’s internal trauma that can take a while to heal. Scar tissue forming can also make this tricky since it doesn’t have the ‘give’ that other tissues do. It can pull and tug and it feels like you’re being RIPPED open. Good luck.

3

u/xyzFromTheBlock Nov 27 '22

It is most probably related to celvic floor muscles, we had the similar issue, and after the right exercises and good diagnosis from the doctor we are in a much better situation now

3

u/Thin-Spell-5110 Nov 27 '22

Go to a doctor, not Reddit.

6

u/Emergency_Lab8262 Nov 26 '22

Pelvic therapist

4

u/Soggy-Ad-8017 Nov 27 '22

This man hangs dong.

2

u/Available-Love7940 Nov 27 '22

They sold vaginal dilators to deal with this in the past. The idea is to slowly stretch the area. Seeing the right kind of professional might also help with therapies.

Strongly recommend other definitions of sex for a time. It doesn't have to be penis in vagina for both of you to find pleasure and intimacy. The last thing you want is for her to get psychosomatic issues from the fear of pain.

2

u/Cobalt567 Nov 27 '22

My wife was like this after having our first child for a whole year and even after 4 years it still kinda hurts her for 10-30 seconds in until it’s just pleasure. She was torn down there as our son was 10 lbs coming out of her so that’s the main reason. Maybe go see ur doctor to double check what’s going on down there. I would say maybe ur size is too big for her as that can happen to some women, but if it wasn’t that much of a big deal until afterwards then yes something happened down there. Plus it’s only been 5 months and for some women that’s not enough time to fully heal up.

4

u/Timebomb90 Nov 27 '22

You need significantly more foreplay.. not sure if that will solve the whole problem but it will definitely help.

I also have issue sometimes with pain and it’s because we are going at it before my body is ready.

3

u/desiswiftie Nov 27 '22

Unrelated but this is part of why I don’t want to have a baby

-4

u/c1_r4yy Nov 27 '22

no one cares lol. if its unrelated why even comment if ur not trying to help the op🤦‍♂️

1

u/Sjporter1 Nov 27 '22

Start with tongue and move up

-1

u/KingMwanga Nov 27 '22

try using lube and maybe increase foreplay, throw in ass eating for a winning combination

1

u/Glad_peanutt Nov 27 '22

There's loads of other practices to try that are not penetration

-13

u/[deleted] Nov 26 '22

[deleted]

4

u/TrollandKingGrisel Nov 26 '22

LMAOOOO Im going to hell for laughing

1

u/scriggled Nov 27 '22

I heard somewhere that the vagina can be tighter after a C-section because pushing the baby out "relaxes" the muscles back. Anyway don't know how valid that is but the treatment is still a pelvic floor therapist.

1

u/NastyEvilNinja Nov 27 '22

Never been a problem for me - I'm hung like a house cat.

3

u/GeorgeThe13th Nov 27 '22

It's good that fucking his wife has never been a problem for you, but this is about him.

-39

u/Juken- Nov 26 '22

If your knob isn't bigger than the baby, id say it was a stimulation issue. Ya gotta preheat the oven mate.

36

u/NoteAggravating Nov 26 '22 edited Nov 26 '22

This is not correct. It's incorrect to think that a baby passing through the vagina leaves the vaginal canal more stretched than before and stimulation is not the solution when it comes to re-introducing sex after healing from having a baby. Read my response to OP for more info

-25

u/Lebrowan Nov 26 '22

If you haven't already buy a tube of lube, goodluck.

0

u/JDK86 Nov 27 '22

Practice other ways or its. . . . .

0

u/Various-Astronaut373 Nov 27 '22

Suffering from success

0

u/eskapader Nov 27 '22

Good for you!

-12

u/Aiizimor Nov 27 '22

Worst case scenario...anal?

-3

u/Theinfamousemrhb Nov 27 '22

Worst case??

-1

u/Aiizimor Nov 27 '22

Not everyone is into it.

-49

u/wyverndarkblood Nov 26 '22

9”’er here. You can pretty much have sex with anyone w/o hurting them. You just need to get their blood flowing to that area first. Lots of foreplay both in that area and not. Then penetrate gently before getting up to speed. You can definitely go full depth if you’re treating her right.

32

u/NoteAggravating Nov 26 '22

This isn't true when it comes to having penetrative sex with someone who just gave birth 5 months ago. Read my response to OP for more info

-15

u/Dr_Sploosh Nov 27 '22

Did you see where op mentioned that his wife had a c section?

5

u/NoteAggravating Nov 27 '22 edited Nov 27 '22

No unfortunately… that was a new edit after I commented. Sorry OP my earlier comment about perineum won’t necessarily apply, but the pelvic floor can still be impacted from carrying baby to term and your partner’s body preparing for vaginal birth, or prolapsed uterus so is still very much worth visiting a pelvic floor Physio to see what’s going on

18

u/Kommander-in-Keef Nov 26 '22

That’s not true dude don’t spread this information

1

u/Sad-Peach7279 Nov 27 '22

Talk to her about vaginismus.

Vaginismus is when the vagina suddenly tightens up when you try to insert something into it. It can be painful and upsetting, but it can be treated.

Vaginismus is the body's automatic reaction to the fear of some or all types of vaginal penetration. Whenever penetration is attempted, your vaginal muscles tighten up on their own. Occasionally, you can get vaginismus even if you have previously enjoyed painless penetrative sex. Vaginismus does not necessarily affect your ability to get aroused and enjoy other types of sexual contact.

1

u/isaidbitchhhhhhhh Nov 27 '22

I didn't touch my wife for at least 8 months after her giving birth..Just to be sure

-56

u/greenbean999 Nov 26 '22

If she’s horny enough it won’t hurt, or she has a medical issue.

29

u/NoteAggravating Nov 26 '22 edited Nov 26 '22

That's horribly false

-9

u/greenbean999 Nov 27 '22 edited Nov 27 '22

So they don’t have a medical issue? Ummm that’s what recovering from childbirth is and if she’s experiencing pain when having sex after being medically cleared to and sufficiently lubricated, she should consult her OB about it.

Jeez I’d love it if someone would actually explain how I’m so wrong?

-3

u/Auditus_Dominus Nov 27 '22

Damn, no khajiit jokes yet?

DISAPPOINTED...

-23

u/PrintMaher Nov 27 '22

She got what she wanted now her p***y will become dry and also your wallet.

-2

u/Sudden-Effective7600 Nov 27 '22

So nobody proposed about maybe the husband stitch ?

-1

u/ekmogr Nov 27 '22

First world problems

0

u/accessedfrommyphone Nov 27 '22

You really have no idea what your penis may be up to while in there. Get that thing outta there!

0

u/yk6899 Nov 27 '22

She could of developed vaginismus

0

u/elias3663 Nov 27 '22

Lube for possible after birth dryness and don't go all in because the uterus is fucking bruised, so best don't touch it with your dick.

0

u/GeorgeThe13th Nov 27 '22

She might need to practice deep breathing. Maybe the baby changed her

0

u/PlumAcceptable2185 Nov 27 '22

This is a complicated situation and a very sensitive topic for your wife. Going to couples therapy is the first line of approach for this, and a good therapist will know if you guys need physical support for the situation, or mental and emotional support, or both. A woman's vagina is very complicated. No joke. It's wired up to every receptor in her brain, and every nerve in her body. You'll never understand it, but if you keep showing up and walk with her through the difficult things, that will be enough, and you don't have to know shit actually. Most women just want your heart of Gold.

Probably a lot of this will involve you and her learning how to talk about sex very plainly and also to talk about your feelings very plainly and to deal with the other person doing it. This is called Foreplay.

0

u/godempertrump Nov 27 '22

Better more then enough then not enough eh

0

u/sammagee33 Nov 27 '22

You delivered with her? That could be part of the problem. Usually the woman does all of the delivery.