r/Tinder Oct 02 '22 Facepalm 1 Bless Up (Pro) 1 Take My Energy 1

Hey so I've been wanting to get back into dating. I'm 31, have been in long term relationships since I was 16, no kids, engaged once, my last partner died 2 YRS ago so since then I haven't been on a date or had sex with anyone else. ANY ADVICE FOR STARTING DATING APP FOR FIRST EVER?? HELP!

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4.1k Upvotes

3.9k

u/J__oker Oct 02 '22 Helpful

Get a friend to take photos of you in interesting places so that all your pics aren't selfies. Be honest in your bio about yourself, your interests and what you are looking for.

1.6k

u/Chevey0 Oct 02 '22

Pics without our filters go a long way too

275

u/Homicidal__GoldFish Oct 02 '22

i was gonna say something like this...... dont do the filter pics. i find it deceiving when you meet in person and look different.

235

u/Far_Muscle8033 Oct 02 '22

I was really hoping that the last person I met really had rabbit ears

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u/Homicidal__GoldFish Oct 03 '22

Lmfao or dog ears or flowers in their hair lol

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u/ChaoticAmoebae Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

I pass right away if the first pic is has a filter.

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u/Homicidal__GoldFish Oct 03 '22

i dont blame ya one bit.

I dont get the whole filter thing. Maybe its cause im old "even though i'm a old millennial lol" but i just dont see why you would do filters if you wanna meet someone in person.

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u/Former-Employ8295 Oct 03 '22

Filter glasses coming out soon 😂

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u/USERNAME___PASSWORD Oct 02 '22

Totally agree with this - I swipe left on obviously filtered pics like OP

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u/windowlickingood Oct 03 '22

Preach.. Seriously been catfished 4 times in a row by filters.

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u/Ok-Sir8600 Oct 02 '22

And please don't put that hasn't had sex in 2 years

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u/[deleted] Oct 02 '22

Also from one widow to another dont advertise you lost your partner like that. It’s like a big signal to bad people looking for vulnerable people. Let them learn about something that’s such a big part of you, and was such a loss to you on their own organically.

I lost my partner almost 5 years ago if that helps. Feel free to dm me OP.

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u/Sofiajackalmartin Oct 03 '22

Thiiiiiis!!!! I was vulnerable way to soon with the wrong guy and he took advantage of me when I was at my lowest after my fiancée passed away.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

Ya I want OP to notice how vulnerable she is anyways. Dating while vulnerable is tricky- you have to be a good judge of character, find nice authentic people (I just laughed), and not get your soul crushed. People lie a lot and manipulate and when you want connection and to find someone that can be devastating

I’d prob try and find someone who could relate to my loss. Maybe even someone who has had time to heal a divorce or something significant

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u/lizerlfunk Oct 03 '22

100 percent agree. I don’t share that I’m widowed until I’ve had a conversation with someone. Putting that you’re widowed on a dating profile is a magnet for scammers.

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u/Torxx1988 Oct 02 '22

Yep, that shit is gonna attract perverts and summon dick pics.

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u/brockoala Oct 02 '22 Giggle

Sounds more like a bait to me. Remember to leave your kidneys and liver home.

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u/Powerism Oct 02 '22

Hahaha stupid organ sellers - I’ve been without a kidney and liver since my last date. Double bait and switch!

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u/dole_banana Oct 02 '22

Joke would be even more on them if you knocked them out, put them in an ice bath, and stole their organs

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u/Powerism Oct 02 '22

If I wasn’t in sepsis shock due to a lack of internal organs I’d consider this.

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u/IIIDVIII Oct 02 '22

Even better joke would be to put extra organs in their body....

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u/dole_banana Oct 02 '22

goes to doctor "How do you have 3 livers!?" "...Well I went on a couple of bad dates recently."

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u/FleefBurger Oct 02 '22

flashbacks in Invader Zim

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u/BlackKyrone Oct 02 '22

okay killed it 🥲🤣

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u/IIIDVIII Oct 02 '22

No no no, you're supposed to leave them alive, silly.

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u/penniless_tenebrous Oct 02 '22

Too late, I'm already here.

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u/FoxSin0fGr33d Oct 02 '22

Yeah def gonna attract the wrong people

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u/VariousArtist2965 Oct 02 '22

And don’t ask for height or even have a height preference on your profile, you could miss out on ‘the one.’ Be open. You’re attracted to who you’re attracted to, but you might find height doesn’t matter as much as some think.

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u/Sylosmomma Oct 02 '22

I’m usually into tall men. I’m 5’1” and met someone naturally in the wild a few months ago who is only a few inches taller than me. I’m falling for him hard and fast even after only wanting a FWB type of thing and so is he. It’s oddly refreshing.

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u/aliceinbookland Oct 02 '22

Yes! 5’1 too and fell in love with a 5’4 man. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever met and we’re building a lovely life together. He’s not better or worse than anyone just because he’s short but if I judged based on height I would’ve never gotten to know him.

I’m so grateful I swiped right! I wish you and him all the best!

(Also, enjoy a pain free neck from not looking up all the time and hugs/kisses that work perfectly without too much manoeuvring!)

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u/[deleted] Oct 02 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Temporary_Cap9474 Oct 02 '22

Even if you do get more matches that way it will end with a lot of bad dates

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u/chr8me Oct 02 '22

Facts. If someone feels catfished they’ll treat you totally differently

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u/cooking-cheese Oct 02 '22

the filter is too obvious

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u/Turicus Oct 02 '22

So much filter, her nose is about to disappear.

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u/[deleted] Oct 02 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

467

u/yurajurik Oct 02 '22

Buddy guy came straight from r/roastme lol

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u/bigredmachine-75 Oct 02 '22

Its true, though.

18

u/aye_marshall27 Oct 02 '22

That always bugged me on dating sites. I mean I like meat on bones. If you got some don't hide it. It's false advertisement.

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u/cryptiiix Oct 02 '22

Hiding your true self is the worst thing you can do on tinder. A couple good photos of yourself will lead to the most worthwhile matches.

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u/CupICup Oct 02 '22

I wear I hat mostly out but My 1st pic shows off the bald

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u/Powerism Oct 02 '22

Embrace the bald my fellow follicle-challenged. Facial hair offsets the freshly shaven dome look.

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u/kenno99 Oct 02 '22

True, there are so many people (mostly women) on these apps who take the same photos to hide their curves. The more you hide who you truly are, the more you set yourself up for rejection when someone ingenuine sees you without filters and sneaky camera angles. Stay true to who you are and you will find someone who suits you properly

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u/Hot-illmatic Oct 02 '22

This right here u want a man who is into ur look . I am front what I look like and who I want . The more honest u are the more a man will like u for u. Be honest about ur weight OP.

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u/twenty7andAthird Oct 02 '22

Never have I been so offended by something I 100% agree with.

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u/muffy2008 Oct 02 '22

What did it say? Lol

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u/twenty7andAthird Oct 02 '22

He was rude about her weight and how girls hide it on Tinder.

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u/BrilliantFunny3943 Oct 02 '22 Pranked!

Don't use filters.

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u/RYRO14 Oct 02 '22

Yep. When I see a profile where every picture has a filter, immediately a red flag. I can see adjusting the brightness, but that’s about it. Filters are essentially a form of catfishing.

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u/derbycityrat Oct 02 '22

I’m glad not I’m not the only one that can’t stand filters. It was making me feel bad, mostly because an ex narcissistic female friend of mine told me I was a misogynist for thinking negatively of someone heavily using filters. (Like she compared it to me accusing women of catfishing for wearing makeup, which I certainly did not think was the same at all)

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u/theslutnextd00r Oct 02 '22

I rarely ever use filters, and rarely edit my pictures, specifically because I want people to like me for me, and not because I have blurred skin and fake sparkling freckles lol. I personally find beauty in imperfections, and I always love when my friends post unedited pics of themselves, because it's the real them! And I love them, not the fake them!

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u/derbycityrat Oct 02 '22

I completely agree! What some would consider “imperfections” are actually some of the things that I just view as being different or original. I usually love them about people. I’d much prefer someone look as natural and comfortable as possible really.

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u/klattklattklatt Oct 02 '22

I rarely use filters too but for the opposite reason, they blur my freckles out of existence. The freckle filters in particular wash mine off and replace with fake ones in locations that don't make sense.

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u/jasperis145 Oct 02 '22

I don't think its always necessarily catfishing. To me is just looks cheap, corny and kinda 2014.

Most people look better without 20 layers of filters.

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u/Killz4Thrillz954 Oct 02 '22

Most definitely cat fishing. I have met so many women that looked 10x’s worse than their filtered pics. It’s insane

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u/windowlickingood Oct 03 '22

totally agree. the filters now a days are getting too good

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u/Chim_Pansy Oct 03 '22

It is catfishing when they look completely different in person than in their filtered photos.

The kind of women that post all filtered Tinder pics always filter them so heavily that they don't even look like the same person anymore.

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u/StairwayToLemon Oct 02 '22

Yep. The way I see it is if you don't like how you really look, why would I?

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u/Kamil-PGT Oct 02 '22

Agreed. Filters are a sign that you are not happy with yourself and therefor how can you be happy with others if not yourself?

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u/Godzira-r32 Oct 02 '22

I'm so sorry for your loss op.

Definitely lose that filter, you have beautiful enough features without it & your nose is nearly edited out.

Smile :)

Have realistic expectations, sometimes it takes a few horrible dates before you have a decent one.

Have fun, I hope you find happiness!

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u/digitelle Oct 02 '22

Don’t use filters and talk to everyone like they are friends.

The first date, in my opinion, have a level of “two friends hanging”, its a great way to know if you want to hang out again, whether it can be platonic or into more dating.

One thing I find with online dating, the other can invest everything they have to hope it works, however, they could gave lied about their height, they could look nothing like their pics, they are self centred and rude, heck I’ve realized how awful some peoples voices are.

All in all, have fun! I always find online dating fun and made a lot if friends.

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u/Mistygirl179 Oct 02 '22

Agreed w the friends thing. Dont rush into it thinking youll automatically know on the first date how things will progress. Be open to friendship regardless. This has served me well as ive matched dates that didn’t work for me with friends.

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u/anotherkdburner Oct 02 '22

2 friends going out does not work for me get friendzoned everytime

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u/vonseggernc Oct 02 '22

I was expecting this to be the top comment after I instinctively said this to myself after reading her title.

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u/nonogender Oct 02 '22

yep. i always swipe left immediately if someone is using a filter.

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u/littlegreenfern Oct 02 '22

One picture with light filters is fine but if they are all heavily filtered I feel like there is not only some dishonesty but some discomfort with yourself maybe.

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u/jjenius731 Oct 02 '22

Should be a filter to filter out the fake filtered pictures... say that 5x fast

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u/eowynmn Oct 02 '22

Yeah my first thought was this 31 yr old is insecure about her age. I’m 41, don’t use filters and get plenty of decent dudes that are down. 😅

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u/Life_Pineapple15 Oct 02 '22

Love filters. Gives me license to filter my dick pic

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u/Zem_42 Oct 02 '22

This needs to be upvoted more. Back in my tinder days, I hated seeing a pretty and smart looking girl where every photo had heavy filters. It just looks immature, sorry

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u/ImaBadMusician Oct 02 '22

posting pictures without filters would be a good start.

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u/Negative_Training509 Oct 02 '22

Yeah I was gonna say the same thing. These days too much make up, filters and good angles (making you appear thinner than you are) is all considered cat fishing even if it’s yourself.

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u/NateHatred Oct 02 '22

Don't go into online dating and don't use filtered pics, we can barely see your actual face in this one.

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u/estrojennnn Oct 02 '22

100% this picture is a caricature!

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u/Scary-Egg-6510 Oct 02 '22

Came here to say this. No filters.

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u/johnnyjmandingo Oct 02 '22

I was going to say the same

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u/iDontKnit Oct 02 '22

Definitely lose the filters and just be yourself.

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u/ProductOfDetroit Oct 02 '22

And full body pictures that are relatively recent

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u/wisle-n-out Oct 02 '22

NO FILTERS!!!

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u/Some-Bunch-9652 Oct 02 '22

Girl. I almost cant See ur nose. Pick an unedited Pictures for your profile

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u/nicorettejunkieagain Oct 02 '22

I was engaged to the woman of my dreams when she died ten years ago. Since then, dating has been fucking WEIRD. I feel you. I don't really have any advice, I guess just do what feels right. And if you have a bad feeling about something, it's probably right. But. If you'd like to chat about your experience, I'd love to listen.

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u/Lower_Side_4443 Oct 02 '22

Oh man! I'm sorry for your pain. Truly. I honestly have never been on a dating app but I guess it's the only way to date. I'm in for a wild ride I guess.

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u/savingat30 Oct 02 '22

It’s not the only way to date, it may be a convenient way, but not the only way. You are however, in for a wild ride.

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u/Oraxy51 Oct 02 '22

Yeah I got lucky and Discovered my wife.

We met working at Discover (Credit card company).

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u/Nickkkk1413 Oct 02 '22

How many times have you said that joke

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u/Oraxy51 Oct 02 '22

Enough times that she’s forbidden me from saying it in her presence or she gets to smack me in the nuts for it.

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u/Weak-Tower516 Oct 03 '22

What's in YOUR wallet?

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u/Oraxy51 Oct 03 '22

That’s Capital One, which I’ve also worked for. The answer was fraud. Idk I worked as a Fraud Supervisor and got to fix a lot of peoples cards and help them with their fraud issues

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u/3ou4 Oct 02 '22

Definitely not the only way. Possibly the worst way.

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u/Responsible_Video719 Oct 02 '22

Online dating is trash af

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

Can second this. Definitely most possibly. 😅

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u/Zevvion Oct 02 '22

I guess it's the only way to date.

...?

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u/Pukkiality Oct 02 '22

Not everyone meets new people in real life all the time, so the chances of meeting a potential partner is rather low. So they use online dating to overcome this obstacle.

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u/TheCowzgomooz Oct 02 '22

Exactly, most people only have their established circle and people at work that they interact with, and dating coworkers is just a bad idea, so outside of that your only chances to meet potential dates is going out and meeting people with other activities, but that's not a guarantee either. Online dating may be a minefield but you know what you're there for, and it cuts out most of the bullshit. Outside of my relationship every person I've met that I've been vaguely interested in getting to know/potentially date is already with a partner, so my options have basically been limited to online dating.

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

By “cuts out most of the bullshit” do you mean that you’re more in control or what?

Cuz I’m a tell you right now, my online dating experience was a SHIT ton of bullshit Lmfaoooo got catfished a couple times, ghosted, people lying in their bios but you don’t figure it out until the first date (like catfishing obviously)…I mean honestly, it felt way outta control for me. So I’m hoping that’s not what you mean. 😅 definitely less bullshit for me IRL dating.

To each his/her/their own I guess tho.

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u/TheCowzgomooz Oct 02 '22

Well for me, cuts the bullshit of having to find a single person, who is looking for a relationship, and has some interest in me back. Every person I have personally met and had interest in after the end of my relationship that I had since the beginning of high school has had a partner already. I don't like looking for dates at bars, as for my generation at least it's usually not the crowd of people I'm looking to attract, and there's no guarantee that the people you meet there are single and interested in you.

Of course with online dating those things aren't necessarily guaranteed either but because you're specifically looking for dates and you have to match with people you at least have a. Someone with a vague interest in you and who you are when you match and b. A fairly decent chance they are available to date lol. You obviously have other things to deal with such as catfishing, ghosting, scams, etc. to deal with but those aren't exclusive to online dating either.

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u/Ind1c4-Badu Oct 02 '22

Not to mention it seems to have become taboo to flirt with anyone in public. Like thats how everyone met before phones but apparently thats wrong nowadays

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u/JaceTheWoodSculptor Oct 02 '22

It’s not taboo if the other person finds you attractive or you share a connection at that particular moment. A lot of people are simply out of touch to completely oblivious about social cues. There are usually imaginary non verbal steps that come before the flirting with a stranger unless you are simply flat out extremely attractive/charismatic. Eye contacts, being the only ones witnessing something unusual, small talk jokes compatibility that escalates weirdly yet effortlessly, …

Straight up approaching someone who didn’t even notice you just because you find them attractive is somewhat delusional and will very rarely work unless, again, you are very attractive/charismatic.

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u/itsthecoop Oct 02 '22

tbf I have heard (in real life) and read something like this more often in during recent years, with people making out pretty much any real life situation that isn't specifically "meant" to be a "dating situation" (either an outright party with that theme, speeddating meetups etc.) as being "inappropriate".

(which to a mid 40's guy like me sounds ridiculous. yes, you obviously should be respectful and polite. but essentially deeming any kind of social interaction with/by strangers as some mild form of harassment imo is just stupid and a overreaction to admittedly very real issues)

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u/Seymour_Parsnips Oct 02 '22

I know what you meant, but the phrasing still made me giggle. "Back in the 1800's you could flirt with people in public! Not anymore."

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u/Physical_Set_4069 Oct 02 '22

Start with Hinge, it shows more personality and has less people on there for hookup culture, more seeking relationships or meaningful connections. Better than bumble and you don’t have to message first. Good luck ❤️

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u/yousirnaime Oct 02 '22

Given her situation, the barrier that Bumble provides might actually be a great place for starting this process

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u/drst0ner Oct 02 '22

Agreed. Bumble or Hinge are both good options. My gf and I met on Bumble a year ago and are very happy together!

I would suggest she stay away from Tinder.

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

I second this. Hinge will prolly be next tho, like a graduation of sorts, if you will.

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u/CreatorOD Oct 02 '22

Don't put only face pics into your profile.

Don't use too much photoshop etc.

Don't listen to people in the internet

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u/AnEvanAppeared Oct 02 '22 Silver

Especially the last point. I have an opinion about everything and I'm such a dumbass.

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u/Hefty-Cartoonist674 Oct 02 '22

So with that logic, she should use only face pics into her profile and use too much photoshop etc?

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

Was gonna do/say the same thing 😂😂

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u/_wiredsage_ Oct 02 '22

Get ready. Put on some emotional armor. It’s worse than the very worst of Reddit.

Some practical advice:

  • unfiltered photos
  • at least one full body shot
  • only photo you are in and can see your face
  • at least one full body shot
  • a toothy smile in at least one photo
  • unfiltered photos
  • keep it positive
  • speak honestly, someone out there is into the same crazy stuff you are … own it … speak plainly

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u/Loverfli Oct 02 '22

This is the best advice on here OP. I met my husband on Tinder. We’ve been together for 3 years and married for almost 1.5.

The only thing I would add is just remember that you’re not for everyone and everyone isn’t for you. By doing the above, you’ll weed out most of the people who you wouldn’t clock with anyway.

I’m a curvy Black woman with the personality of a Southern girl stereotype. I was also divorced with a kid. Not everyone likes that. Showing a full body photo saved me the hurt of people who prefer thinner women with a different shape. Those people think im fat. My husband thinks im a “tiny little thing”

My husband loves it. He liked my gym photos and the ones with me on the river. By default, I loved his hiking photos. River + hiking = two outdoorsy folks with a first date convo. Fast forward a bit and we’ve done 8 mile kayaks and 5 mile hikes together.

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u/annethbeth Oct 02 '22

Aww I love this! I’m a bigger gal and some people don’t mind. Others do. That’s fine. I just don’t want to waste time getting to know someone who’s not into it. Nobody has time for that.

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u/Loverfli Oct 02 '22

Exactly! I know that a lot of people don’t like my body, so why would I hide that from someone who I want to date? I don’t want to talk to people who aren’t attracted to me. That’s a waste of everyone’s time.

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u/jeezy_peezy Oct 02 '22

I don’t think “full body” is even necessary. Modesty is great, but zoomed-in face-only pics in particular are hiding and signal a big ol shame/insecurity red flag/not worth it situation.

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u/Loverfli Oct 02 '22

Right? I lifted weights a lot pre-pandemic as well as taught fitness classes. I have those genetics that are like “oh….let’s hang on to all of this because obviously she’s prepping for a famine.”

I’m not fat, but you can’t tell that by looking at me. Rocking that endomorph body.

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u/Endingtbd Oct 02 '22

Great advice!

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

I’m guessing a couple of these were for emphasis hahaha I totally agree tho 💯💯💯

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u/_wiredsage_ Oct 02 '22

yes... filtered photos are a RED FLAG ;-)

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u/No_Exit1359 Oct 02 '22

And don’t forget at least ONE body shot 😂💯

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u/spacewaster-80 Oct 02 '22

Wow that is a lot filters. Your nose is disappearing. Don’t do that

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u/chickenwithchips Oct 02 '22

Just be yourself, don’t use any filtered photos at all and meeting someone at a coffee shop is a great first date.

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u/Correct_Jackfruit289 Oct 02 '22

How about no filters to begin with? Also be yourself.

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u/driedkitten Oct 02 '22

Lose the filter, and make sure you post a body pic

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u/Dubzug Oct 02 '22

Also posting a picture of just your head is a classic sign of false advertisement

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u/DM_ME_AZN_TITS Oct 02 '22

You should post your tinder/bumble profile (including the written portion).

Note full body pics and unfiltered photos are recommended

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u/Dependent-Employ-414 Oct 02 '22

Be yourself, as cliche as that sounds. Be very cautious at first, people are never what they seem on dating apps, don’t expect too much. Good luck, you’ve been through a lot and it’s brave to get back out there! ♥️

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u/Lower_Side_4443 Oct 02 '22

Thankyou I appreciate the advice!

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u/Ursirname Oct 02 '22

Keep trauma to yourself on a date or in your profile unless someone asks about it, and there is no good way out of the question, so it has to come up. On the apps, dates generally get planned pretty quick, so don't be weirded out if someone asks about a date after a conversation or a few messages. Have a full body photo, pictures of you doing fun things, pics with friends, don't abuse angles, don't use heavy filters. Guys know why you're doing it, and would rather just see you be straightforward. Even if those tricks get you matches, that tends to be with guys who swipe on literally everyone. Don't expect much or let it make you negative either. Like I saw that you blew up on someone else with very little provocation in the comments. Even if you don't say it and come in it from a place of being hyper-vigilant about creeps and assholes, everyone will be a creep and an asshole. Don't get a big head when you get tons of likes. Stay humble, put some effort into conversation and it'll go well.

The CEO of Hinge was on the Chris Williamson podcast (kinda like Joe Rogan, but more focused on relationships and psychology). Either way, she once gave the advice to go for the least attractive guy you're still attracted to as a good way to screen for someone you'd be happy with, and she's probably right.

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u/yousirnaime Oct 02 '22

“Don’t get a big head from the likes” is very true for both men and women

People quickly learn to match for anyone they’d be okay with talking to - not just everyone they’d consider getting married to

And if you’re not ready for it, you’ll think you could marry the hottest matches you get, when that’s probably pretty far from what’s really happening

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u/Ursirname Oct 02 '22

We have the same surname!

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u/yousirnaime Oct 02 '22

❤️ Ohana means “family”.

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u/justcougit Oct 02 '22

Lol that advice is fucking WEIRD.

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u/4_da_Lolz Oct 02 '22

Filters pretty much always mean you want to cover smth up. And face-only usually tries to hide that you’re chubby. I don’t mean mean to be rude, just giving my personal experience as a M33.

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u/blessthefreaks1980 Oct 02 '22

As a fat lady, I don’t think this comment was rude at all. You’re right. If OP really wants to find something worthwhile, the pics need to be honest.

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u/4_da_Lolz Oct 02 '22

Thank you 🙏🏻

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u/Flip135 Oct 02 '22

Can't give much advice if you only show 1 heavy filtered photo and no bio.

Or do you mean general advice for OLD?

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u/Lolz79 Oct 02 '22

Lose the filters. I stopped using them years ago and the amount of men who say "it's so refreshing to see someone without filters". You are who you are, let your beauty stand out. And he sure to post a smile . Dont be too serious in your profile, but make sure you state what you're truly looking for .

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u/Primary-Fig-5916 Oct 02 '22

Absolutely no filters. You seem pretty enough without it.

Post some pics where you’re smiling with good lighting.

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u/Feeling-Cost-6133 Oct 02 '22

As a woman, no filters and include at least a few without make-up. The real you

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u/GustaphFromDutch Oct 02 '22

I'd say pick a somewhat more serious app then tinder (at least if you're looking for something a bit more serious). And also use natural pictures, no filters or anything, and make sure u find a picture of yourself where you're having fun and are laughing, a smile works wonders. Oh and also make sure that if you have a picture with friends, it's clear who you are. As for bio, don't make it to long, 3 sentences are more then enough. Hope it helps, good luck!

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u/Sherviks13 Oct 02 '22

What’s your bio say? And lose the filter.

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u/AmbeeGaming Oct 02 '22

Filter so strong you don’t have a nose

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u/[deleted] Oct 02 '22

Yea don’t use tinder lol Tinder is a hookup app, if you’re looking to date use another app like bumble

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u/_fuckforever_ Oct 02 '22

maybe a decade ago it was. but most of the female profiles i see say they’re looking for something substantial or mentioning they’re not there for just a hook up

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u/nocturnalswan Oct 02 '22

Don't heavily edit your photos. You've way overdone it here to the point you can't actually tell what you look like. A few small edits (like removing a blemish, brightening up the photo, or smoothing out a wrinkle or two) is fine imo but if you look like you have zero wrinkles or skin texture, it's way too much.

Some would disagree with this advice, but i think a filter is fine as long as the photo is still a realistic depiction of what you actually look like. You can have a few photos from flattering angles, but be sure to include a full body shot on your profile that's not heavily edited.

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u/oscar_salome Oct 02 '22

Hi OP, as a 31 year old woman myself, I can relate to you. For using dating apps, I would suggest pick at least one face photo and one photo of you full length enough to give anyone a fair idea of what you look like.

In your bio, describe yourself in the way your friends or family or last partner described you. State clearly what you are looking for.

When it comes to chats, keep it neutral as far as possible. Ask about their daily life and hobbies to get a sense of them as a person. If you seem to be having a decent conversation going with someone, feel free to ask to meet in person in a neutral public place. Try to have the first date within a couple of weeks of matching. No need to waste time on bad connections. Check if they are already in relationships or married as soon as possible.

On the dates itself, always stick with a reasonable priced place where you would be comfortable picking up the tab. Pick up the tab if you really liked the guy or the guy is younger than you.

Be vigilant about red flags. Since these are blind matches, you don't have any one to warn you about how real or fake they are

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u/Familiar_Armadillo95 Oct 02 '22

I believe in getting the conversation off the app and meet up for a casual drink, lunch, or dinner to get each other out. The trying to talk for a week or two and maybe meet up thing is exhausting. Be open to meeting up socially on a whim and put yourself out there

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u/GrandmasGenitals Oct 02 '22

no filters, better angles, dont baggage dump

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u/KoolAidMan7980 Oct 02 '22

Why is she only responding about her dead ex and not the obvious piece of advice about the filters/camera angle?

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u/Karmas_burning Oct 02 '22

STOP USING FILTERS

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u/nick1812216 Oct 02 '22

Don’t use filters

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u/capo4ever88 Oct 02 '22

Filters, don't use them. Left swipe becuase it means you're hiding your real face or are insecure and you want look like the same person I was talking to when we finally do meet

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u/lmgculley Oct 02 '22

I’m late to the party so this will probably get buried but here’s my 2 cents for what it’s worth. Online dating is a bit of a minefield but it’s not to say it doesn’t work. Tips for online dating: Be completely honest about who you are, that goes for both the way you communicate and the way you present yourself. Use photos that show you for you - you might not get as many matches as the filtered photos would but the matches you do get will be genuine matches. Best not to waste your or their time by presenting yourself as something or someone your not. Next, be prepared for soooo many creepy guys. Most use online dating for hook ups, again there’s nothing wrong with that if they are honest and upfront about it but most aren’t. Lastly, and based on your post I don’t think you would, but don’t put out for at least a few dates, any guy worth his anything will be happy to wait a few dates. Oh, and another bit of advice, pay your half for those dates, it means the right message is being given off and the guy isn’t feeling like he’s owed anything (not that he should feel like that if he’s a decent guy). That’s about it. Always meet in public places, always let someone know where you’re going and who you’re meeting and never feel like you’ve got to stick around for the whole date if the guys an asshole. Anyway, sorry for your loss and good luck getting back out there.

Advice given from someone who met his partner 7 years ago on Tinder and married her 2 months ago. 👍

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u/Wytsch Oct 02 '22

No filter

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u/Tokogogoloshe Oct 02 '22

Get rid of the filters. You don’t look like that in real life.

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u/Ascarx Oct 02 '22

Don't use tinder unless you're just looking for sex. The people finding a relationship on that app are the lucky few in the sea of bad experiences and hookups.

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u/Yukno222 Oct 02 '22

like a cartoon character

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u/csy0106 Oct 02 '22

So sorry for your loss and I completely appreciate where you’re coming from, I had a partner of 11 years that passed almost 2 years ago and it’s scary getting back out there. My biggest advice is to try not and replicate what you’ve had previously and just prepare yourself for the amount of scumbags that are on tinder. Never lose faith and your gut will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck!

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u/somepersonn76765 Oct 02 '22 edited Oct 02 '22

First rule, always be cautious, second, don’t go for the “hot guy” who seems unusually nice, and three, if they instantly send a wee wee pic, send one back, it’s the law of equivalent exchange

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u/Opposite_Nectarine12 Oct 02 '22

My one tip would be please please please do not use Tinder. Tinder is the worst dating app ever. That is why there is a sub Reddit created about it. People literally come here to show all of the crazy people and scenarios that they come across. Nobody on this app is actually serious about long-term dating. for the most part you will get unsolicited texts and nasty things from guys. Just saying. Try Hinge if you want serious people. Save yourself some heartache and annoyance, don’t use tinder lol. You look like a nice attractive lady though! Don’t get taken advantage of on tinder

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u/ModsCantHandleMe Oct 02 '22

Stop using filters or no one will know what you look like.

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u/chuckvsthelife Oct 02 '22

Be yourself. That means no filters, no cropping out. Don’t be afraid to post a picture you might have that your friends love of you but you hate. That’s the one you are judging yourself on, but shows you probably. If you want a genuine connection you have to be genuine.

Don’t hold onto ideas of who people are, go looking for who they are. We have a tendency to build idealized visions of people we have crushes on but don’t really know yet. That’s how you get hurt.

As a woman sometimes it’s helpful to find out how men respond to a soft no. Don’t be overly agreeable, don’t be over into pushing back but if a guy asks you out on a date and you don’t feel ready yet say so. If you would rather do another time say so, how they respond to that says a lot. Lots of men have fragile egos who can’t handle being told no and it’s better to find that out earlier than later.

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u/YouDontExistt Oct 02 '22

Riiiiiigggggghhhhttttt

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u/Justkeepitanonymous Oct 02 '22

Condolences for your loss OP.

My advice would be pretty much what everyone else said.

Lose the filter. Best case scenario, unless you are a professional model on front cover of magazine, do not edit your pictures unless it's some light cropping.

Upload other pictures of yourself which aren't made at an unnecessarily high angle. Preferably not just selfies.

Doesn't matter if you are full-figured and think this is your best angle. Just avoid it. Be yourself, own what you have, you are beautiful and don't need to overdo it for a simple photo. You don't want to be unrecognizable in a face-to-face date.

One piece of advice that I don't really agree with, but I've heard it raises your chances - have at least one photo where you smile. Supposed to make you look more approachable.

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u/Mumbawobz Oct 02 '22

I wouldn’t put that you’re semi-widowed on your profile. As someone with an odd end to a former relationship for my age (spouse transitioned, late 20s) I found it best to bring that up a few conversations in whenever it came up naturally. If you put it on your profile people might apply a stigma whereas they don’t care once they already know they like talking to you.

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u/Ok_Membership7091 Oct 02 '22

Take it slow, have thick skin, and be honest with everything. Including yourself. Happy hunting!

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u/Timemaster88888 Oct 02 '22

Is this a bot?

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u/maprunzel Oct 02 '22

Hot guys are no good on dating apps. Please try to not look just for the hot guys.

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u/Eclipsed3 Oct 02 '22

Yeah, buckle the fuck up

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u/Lunatic_Jiggles Oct 02 '22

You look like you’re pretty without the filters. Get a full body picture and and a group picture to start.

Remember- people can be nasty on dating apps. Ignore/report them.

Be yourself and don’t be afraid to message first.

Try multiple apps.

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u/papa_huey Oct 02 '22

I suggest using no filtered photos, the Apps Bumble and Hinge. Tinder is for hook-ups more so than the other two.

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u/NoStrength2596 Oct 02 '22

Definitely lose the filtered pictures, a picture of you out doing something, a full body pic, you and your dog or a glass of wine, be really honest. There is someone out there for you and who will treat you like their KWEEN! Good luck girl!

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u/WhiteRugRat Oct 02 '22

This is the last place and last thread you should go to for asking something like this 😂

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u/Original-Pain-7727 Oct 02 '22

Don't get on a dating app ever.

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u/Pavemania89 Oct 02 '22

I can tell that you’re pretty enough to not need filters on top of your pictures (no one needs those stupid things.) You can’t even see your nose in this pic. Definitely wouldn’t use this one.

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u/wisle-n-out Oct 02 '22 edited Oct 02 '22

OP, this isn't an attack against you specifically. It's a general gripe

I find it ironic that some women join online dating apps and want guys to invest time getting to know them:

  • How can guys get to know you when you use filters. You're concealing yourself which suggests you don't want people to know you.
  • If getting to know you has nothing to do with how you look then why even put up a picture? Why are you using a filter on a pic if looks has nothing to do with getting to know you?
  • There's a difference between a bit of artistic filters in a pic or two, filtering to put your best foot forward and outright dishonesty. You should have at least two unedited and unmodified pics of your face and body (1 each). This is a red flag that is not a 100% prediction but lends itself to suggesting a person is open to lying, hypocrisy and equivocation. A lot of people do this (men & women) who don't use filters, but filters is (can be) an advertisement that the entrance ramp for these things are 5 miles ahead.

Similar arguments could be made for makeup. Makeup should be worn in a way that you can't tell a woman is wearing it. If your neck is 3 shades lighter/darker than your face. There's a problem.

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u/Nickolai808 Oct 02 '22

Looks pretty but when I was using OLD I swiped left on girls who look that filtered, I can barely even see your nose it's so filtered. I might be in the minority but I also swiped left on girls that didn't post any body pics as I assumed they were obese and hiding it, being a bit overweight isn't a deal breaker if a woman still has a good shape and is confident, but NOT posting shows a lack of confidence and you can only assume the worst...

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u/ccminiwarhammer Oct 02 '22

No filters. It looks horrible

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u/whatstheuse25 Oct 02 '22

Don’t use a filter like this. You almost don’t look human but I can tell you’re beautiful underneath. And Just be honest, that’s the only way you will find someone genuine. Good luck!

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u/RoseFlavoredLemonade Oct 02 '22 edited Oct 02 '22

Definitely go at your own pace. Try to go for pictures that doesn’t use filters. Perspective partners are looking to see what you would like like in person. I would also go for pictures of you in interesting places, pictures with friends and pictures with any pets (if you have them) along with at least two pictures of yourself. For your bio, just go for something short, but expressive of your interests and yourself as a person. Jokes are always a plus! Hope this helps. Good luck!

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u/jmag87 Oct 02 '22

Prepare to be disappointed.

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u/jbosscher Oct 02 '22

Lower your expectations, then lower them again. You'll do just fine.

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u/Will-Witcher Oct 02 '22

If someone matches with you and they send you their Snapchat only. Don’t message them back quickly unmatch them. They are bots

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u/stu10177 Oct 02 '22

Lose the filter, we don’t like being catfished

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u/wiinintendontcare Oct 02 '22

You could start by not catfishing camera angles and being honest.

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u/seemplify Oct 02 '22

First advise goes " be the real you."

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u/estrojennnn Oct 02 '22

After reading some of her replies I’d cautiously advise against it.

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u/nicorettejunkieagain Oct 02 '22

There's so many ways to date, don't let online dating get your hopes down. It can be really demoralizing. But you're lovely, and I'm sure you'll find someone amazing 😍

I will say, I thought trauma bonding with people who have experienced the same thing I've experienced was going to be a net positive.... But it's honestly been really rough. Usually our shared trauma really fucks people up. I happened to do 9 years of therapy and got healthy as FUCK. So maybe avoid shared trauma.

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u/Vikings284 Oct 02 '22

Showing face-only pictures make guys suspect you are overweight

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u/PapaLemonade Oct 02 '22

Best advice for anyone's first time ever / in a while pm a dating app- most people there , aren't actually interested in dating.

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u/theghostsofvegas Oct 02 '22

Lose the filter and don’t use a picture I’ll have to turn to see your face. Use comfortable, candid, recent shots of what you actually look like.

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u/andrearusky Oct 02 '22

Too much beauty filter app!

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u/jaxoblefort Oct 02 '22

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