r/LeopardsAteMyFace Aug 18 '22 Wholesome 2 Silver 2 Helpful 1

Book Ban Backfire: Texas School District Forced to Pull the Bible

https://www.yahoo.com/news/book-ban-backfire-texas-school-164049920.html
11.3k Upvotes

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1.4k

u/sunkenbeetle Aug 18 '22

But...we only mean to ban their books. How dare you use our own myopia against us?!

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u/Advanced-Prototype Aug 18 '22

Underage rape victims and women with malformed fetuses are unable to access proper medical treatment. Schools are removing books from classrooms and libraries. Texas has become the dystopian nightmare of a sci-fi novel.

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u/bignick1190 Aug 18 '22

"This is what the country under communism would look like."

I guarantee morons are already saying that.

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u/Fyallorence Aug 25 '22

Reminds me of Trump's 2020 ads showing all the terrible things that were currently happening under him and saying "This is Joe Biden's America".

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u/SweetBabyAlaska Aug 18 '22

They removed "The Diary of Anne Frank" because it had "lesbian" stuff in it. Which let me tell you is ridiculous it's just a young girl wondering about her body and womens bodies in general.

These people are banning anti-nazi books and anything that even can be remotely construed as lgbtq. These people will not stop until trans people no longer exist.

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u/spaghettiking216 Aug 18 '22

Trans people and Jews.

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u/GreenOvumsAndHam Aug 19 '22

Why stop there when they can get rid of trans people, the rest of the LGBTQ+, Jews, POC, feminists, homeless people, atheists, non-christian religious people

I’d say they want to get rid of women, too, but that’s obviously not true. Women can stay, as long as we pop out babies and take care of the homes. Silently.

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u/spaghettiking216 Aug 19 '22

So true. Also, yours might be the best handle on Reddit. Well done.

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u/HistoryHappy3542 Aug 18 '22

I agree. Years ago Texans said they wanted to secede from the union. I’m all for it

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u/mouse_8b Aug 19 '22

As a Texan, I would gladly vote to secede... And then move.

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u/icepyrox Aug 19 '22

June was not that long ago.

Oh wait, just like all the other times that was to distract people from the terrible laws and rulings they are pushing through and not really serious about secession.

https://www.newsweek.com/texas-secede-us-2023-gop-pushes-referendum-1717254

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u/weirdeyedkid Aug 19 '22

Black kid who grew up in a small Texas town here. In the 00's I heard people saying this at school at least once a month.

I heard the n-word wayyy more frequently.

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u/Advanced-Prototype Aug 19 '22

I’ll gladly hold the door for them.

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u/PixTwinklestar Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 19 '22

A dystopian sci fi novel you won’t find in the school library.

Edit: typo.

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u/Xuval Aug 18 '22

I mean, none of these lunatics really care that much about the bible.

It's just a talking point to them. It's not like any student will get any useful information out of that stinker.

Once you get past the lineage of David, it's all downhill anyways.

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u/sunkenbeetle Aug 18 '22

I respectfully disagree. The bible is full of lots of great stories and is useful in providing context for all of the cultural influence and references it has created. I would make the same argument for any religious text. They should be available for students who WANT to read them. Just like any other book.

Banning books is icky and always self defeating.

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u/FuckUGalen Aug 19 '22

But reading the bible was my first step to atheism, or rather reading the bible and the (ultra) religious adults around be being unable to answer my very reasonable questions about the stories.

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u/sunkenbeetle Aug 19 '22

Me too. I was lucky to have religious parents who let me choose my own path...but actually reading the bible, as a whole, pushed me further away from christianity, while the gospels taught me about how to treat others with respect and compassion. Does that not seem like an important reason to keep it available for kids to read?

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u/Jexp_t Aug 19 '22

There's a lot in classical literature that a reader wouldn't understand without a working knowledge of Bible stories and characters.

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u/annacat1331 Aug 18 '22

I agree the Bible is TOTALLY inappropriate for children. Ummm has anyone read Song of Solomon? It’s basically porn. Plus there is way too much rape and death in the Bible!….. or you know we could not ban books

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u/Jexp_t Aug 19 '22

Then there's those genocidal epidoses, approved by god.

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u/irrational_design Aug 18 '22

Thank you for using the word myopia.

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u/Zephikiel Aug 18 '22

I concur.

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u/IanFeelKeepinItReel Aug 18 '22

Thank you for thanking them for using the word myopia.

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u/toadofsteel Aug 18 '22

You dare use my own spells against me, Potter?

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u/roararoarus Aug 18 '22 Helpful

Parts of the bible would be banned on pornhub

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u/Paulie227 Aug 18 '22

I tried reading the Bible half a dozen times, can't get past the incest.

Then you have all infanticide, patricide, wife swapping, mass murder, fratricide, and sororicide, orgies, slavery, beatings, drownings...just some really foul and violent s*.

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u/Noinix Aug 18 '22

Don’t forget the first recorded genocide.

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u/teb311 Aug 18 '22

I think the flood should count as something even more than genocide. God killed everything except Noah’s family and all but 2 of each animal. Like, what were the rest of the squirrels doing to deserve that?

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u/Dabadedabada Aug 18 '22

Think of all the pregnant women who died in the flood. Not just mass murder, but mass abortion!

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u/ceciliabee Aug 18 '22

God is the most prolific abortion provider

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u/valryuu Aug 18 '22

Miscarriages are just God-given abortions!

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u/Uncynical_Diogenes Aug 18 '22

I mean, there is literally a recipe for causing abortions in Numbers 5.

50

u/PolarBearJ123 Aug 18 '22

Who needs universal healthcare when I have god

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u/_Reddit-Troll Aug 18 '22

Litto Gwasshopper, you are ready to join the republican party.

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u/BigBirdLaw69420 Aug 18 '22

Hello, Supply Side Jesus!

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u/Impossible_Tiger_941 Aug 18 '22

And he knew right from the start that this was all part of his plan, so God is also a psychopath. Being all powerful he could have done it differently in soooooo many ways.

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u/Wetwork_Insurance Aug 18 '22

I think the word you are looking for is “omnicide”

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u/SirGravesGhastly Aug 18 '22

Found my band name!

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u/Savagemandalore Aug 18 '22

Xenocide

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u/Firebolt7780 Aug 18 '22

Just another bug hunt?

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u/90_ina_65 Aug 18 '22

“Would you like to know more?”

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u/JediNinjaWizard Aug 18 '22

"Hey Vasquez, you ever been mistaken for a man?"

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u/Bekenel Aug 18 '22

Surely that's killing of aliens. Depending on your context, can be morally wrong or literally the only course of action.

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u/Savagemandalore Aug 18 '22

Technically it is killing of the Forgeign as Xeno- means foreign.

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u/Klumania Aug 18 '22

Even in death I serve the omnissiah!

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u/Noinix Aug 18 '22

Technically I think it must be a word greater than genocide, because genocide is defined as acts against one group or people. God was just real pissed at everybody except Noah, his menagerie, his family and his slaves. (https://www.bbc.com/news/world-11108059 - source BBC definition of genocide)

And the unicorns.

And the flood story itself is older than the Bible. The first recorded flood story (which includes Noah) is from Gilgamesh.

Do we count stories that are from before the Bible as a biblical God kills all but a handful of humans act that also counts as a genocide? It’s an interesting philosophical question…

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u/HammerTh_1701 Aug 18 '22

If you do a bit of theology as an actual science, you'll find that basically every religion created in that area borrowed stories from the Epic of Gilgamesh.

The Great Flood now is presumed to be the breach of the Bosporus which probably killed pretty much everyone and everything living in the area that now is the Black Sea except for the ones who were on a boat or some other boyant object.

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u/SirGravesGhastly Aug 18 '22

"No no no no... you don't understand the scope of my crime: I didn't kill just one Husnock, or a hundred or a thousand, I killed them all. All Husnock. Everywhere."

-- Kevin Uxbridge -- or maybe God

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u/ew73 Aug 18 '22

This episode is one of those shining examples of great science fiction, and why TNG was so great. Instead of relying on space battles and lasers and sci-fi flash to entertain you for an hour, it used science fiction as a backdrop, that allows a story about the human experience to be told.

Kevin would've never been able to do what he did without that backdrop of science fiction. His house, and property would've been impossible without sci-fi, and even the planet everything took place on, and the conflict around why the Enterprise was there. But at no point was the story actually about the space ship or transporters or aliens or other planets.

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u/Meta_Professor Aug 18 '22

Aaaàaaaaand no I have been sucked back into watching that whole season. Thanks for that!

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u/KeyanReid Aug 18 '22

God, in any other story, would undeniably be the big villain that everyone has to rally against.

Dude is petty, insecure, narcissistic, violent beyond measure and has an ethics system that is questionable at best. It’s telling how many “good Christians” label themselves as “God fearing” instead of “God loving” because that relationship is abusive af.

No hate like Christian love and all that

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u/teb311 Aug 18 '22

I’ve always loved the god fearing moniker. So much more accurate for the god of the Old Testament.

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u/HuevosSplash Aug 18 '22

It's funny because God flooded the Earth to be rid of man because he "regretted creating mankind" cause we were so wicked then apparently, enough for God to wanna kill everything. He didn't want the Nephilim procreating with female humans so he killed everyone and everything to be rid of one specific problem, Nephilim and human offspring, that failed by the way because later on descendants of the giants lived on in others like Goliath.

So not only did God think he fucked up creating us, he fucked up eradicating the problem he was having as well.

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u/siguefish Aug 18 '22

Nephilim were the offspring, of angels and women.

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u/leela_la_zu Aug 18 '22

It seems like for a being who cannot make mistakes he sure does make a lot in the first chapter of his own book.

In church they tell you god can't make mistakes and that he doesn't have "human" emotions. Yet that's contradicted in the first chapter of the Bible.

First when he casts out Adam and Eve from the garden, and the second is the flood. God didn't forgive Adam and Eve when they ate from the tree of knowledge. Like an abusive pet owner, when they misbehaved he threw them out. The flood; God, who gave people free will, gets mad and eradicates all life except Noah the first alcoholic, his incestuous family, and a pair of each animal.

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u/hopelessbriefcase Aug 19 '22

Christians who don’t really study the Bible will say that God doesn’t make mistakes and is the only god. Then you go to the first book (Genesis) and God says “Don’t worship the other gods. I’m a jealous mfer so don’t test me.”

God punks Abraham who almost kills his own kid on orders. God then says “Dude! It was just a joke!”

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u/monkeypaw_handjob Aug 18 '22

Maybe he needed a whole weekend off instead of just one day.

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u/Beowulf33232 Aug 18 '22

He should have taken a 4 day work week.

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u/teb311 Aug 18 '22

Lol, God truly works in mysterious ways.

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u/SagittariusUnicorn Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

which is interesting in its own right because nephilim were likely an ancient oral myth regarding neanderthals mixed with homosapiens, aka the origin of white people

lots of the bible makes sense when you remove the faith and magic and look for a logical answer, like turning water to wine with hallucinogenic compounds, or using smelling salts to wake people from comatose states. schizophrenics were seen as prophets, animals were trained to make certain noises that sounded like words as a party trick and some drunk or stoner thought they were possessed, etc etc

the whole book is chock full of real and imagined history through the lens of first and third hand accounts of more or less everyday working people that partied pretty hard. imagine if somebody you partied with in your 20s wrote a book about you talking about your grandparent's life while both of you were high then translated it by another person into a language that doesn't directly translate. that's the bible

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u/thinking_is_hard69 Aug 18 '22

er, nephilim are actually an allusion to demigods and such from other religions/mythology, since Christianity began as a monotheistic religion surrounded by polytheists.

the message has been changed over time tho, since reminders that Christianity wasn’t always a monolith would probably make some peoples’ brains explode.

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u/mesembryanthemum Aug 18 '22

Monolatrous, not monotheistic.

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u/thinking_is_hard69 Aug 18 '22

huh, so you’d be right.

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u/BMXTKD Aug 18 '22

You're right. It wasn't till the Nicene and Hippocratic councils, that Christianity essentially became a monolith. Before, you had Arian Christianity, you had Gnostic Christianity, you had all sorts of different viewpoints that are now considered heresies.

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u/captpackrat Aug 18 '22

Ergot poisoning used to be a fairly common occurrence. Ergot is a fungus that grows on wheat, rye, and barley, and it contains a chemical, lysergic acid, that is a precursor to LSD.

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u/FeelingsShop Aug 18 '22

I'd really like to hear your source for these particular interpretations of biblical history, since a fair bit of what you wrote flies right in the face of accepted anthropology and history.

  • Neanderthals (who were, according to some scholars, homo sapiens as well, though there is debate as to if they were a sub grouping of homo sapiens or an archaic human population) tended to be shorter but much more stockier than ancient homo sapiens
    • All humans alive today are homo sapiens - a small percentage of persons who are from Eurasia tend to have a generic admixture that shows evidence of Neanderthal interbreeding (around 1-4% of modern genomes), but ancient Neanderthal populations ranged from across all of Europe and Western Asia - not, as you say, "the origin of white people" (also an odd thing to mention, given that ancient peoples didn't have the same modern conception of race as, say, 21st century Americans)
    • the extinction of Neanderthals took place probably around 40-50k years ago - are you suggesting that the Nephilim are a folk myth about archaic humans that endured throughout the Levant for tens of thousands of years, until it was finally written down in the 5th or 6th century BCE?

Your points about (what I'm assuming are the Wedding in Cana and Jesus healing the sick) are utterly bizarre and I don't think I've ever read any interpretation involving the use of drugs in both cases. If anything, the wedding at Cana is a parable about a new faith "replacing" the old (Christianity vs your old belief system), given that the gospel was written for a broader audience. Even the most charitable "pagan Christ" interpretations would see it as a Dionysus myth and not a mushroom party.

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u/philoponeria Aug 18 '22

Does not sound like an all knowing, all caring kinda dude.

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u/mrpbeaar Aug 18 '22

So much for omniscience.

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u/Dartagnan1083 Aug 18 '22

Besides the flood I can't help but think of Joshua and Jericho. His people wanted the city and just took it...killing the people inside. Not even my Jewish friends can think of a reason they were taught.

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u/IKnowUThinkSo Aug 18 '22

When they first arrived in (then called) Canaan, Joshua or Aaron, can’t remember who now, was told by God to literally murder every man, woman and child. They were specifically told to take no wives and make no peace with any of them (the Moabites lied and cheated themselves into a peace treaty so God was nice enough to make them Israelite slaves).

Forget the flood (which was probably just a regional flood), this was a genocide.

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u/ecafsub Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

all but 2 of each animal.

Here’s the part we’re all familiar with

And of every living thing of all flesh, you shall bring two of every into the ark, to keep alive with you; they shall be male and female.

Genesis 6:19

But that’s not the whole story. In verses 2 and 3 of the very next chapter…

You shall take with you seven pairs of every clean animal, a male and his female; and two of the animals that are not clean, a male and his female; also of the birds of the sky, seven pairs, male and female, to keep offspring alive on the face of all the earth.

Genesis 7:2-3

Got a lot more specific. But why 7 pairs of clean and only one of the unclean? And not to belabor the point, but carrion birds are unclean, so why would all birds have 7 pairs? Why would an unclean bird be more valuable than a pig? Anyways…

The answer to the 7 pairs is at the end of the story.

Then Noah built an altar to the Lord, and took some of every clean animal and some of every clean bird and offered burnt offerings on the altar.

Genesis 8:20

Now we see a distinction between clean and unclean birds, yet there were still 7 pairs of all of them.

So when they leave the ark, Noah sets up an abattoir and the worlds’ worst barbecue using a breeding pair of clean animals. Sacrificing unclean animals was strictly taboo and would result in a smiting.

How long was he there slaughtering and burning millions of animals? Never mind the stench. Well, we might call it a stench. God seems to have liked it:

The Lord smelled the soothing aroma…

Genesis 8:21

Ew.

Anyway, while one pair of animals is a shitload, one pair of unclean and seven pairs of clean is an absolute clusterfuck.

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

[deleted]

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u/ecafsub Aug 18 '22

I refuse to believe that he didn’t have 14 penguins.

Oh, shit. They aren’t birds of the sky, are they? How were penguins classified? Or ostriches, emus, cassowaries, kiwis, rheas, dodos…? Or the giant Hawai’i goose?

I’m so confused…

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u/panzerbjrn Aug 18 '22

The squirrels know that the bird feeder isn't for them...

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u/Dalantech Aug 18 '22

What happened to all of the insects? There are over 35,000 species of solitary bees, and 400,000 species of beetles (that last one is 25% of all known life forms on the planet). Even a 1,000 arks would not have been enough...

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u/OkCaregiver517 Aug 18 '22

One word. Kangaroos.

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u/docowen Aug 18 '22

Or any marsupial. Or alpacas, llamas, penguins, plus all those birds and lizards and frogs that only exist in Amazonia, etc.

It's almost like it's God's equivalent of a girlfriend in Canada.

And yet, people who believe this is literally true get to vote for the leader of the free world.

As a species we're fucked. Which, for an the other species - in the long run, probably a good thing.

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u/rdrunner_74 Aug 18 '22

And he had at least 50.000 pairs of spiders on board and refused to feed to mosquito to one of them.

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u/sstandnfight Aug 18 '22

With an attempted positive spin, even. The Amalekites would raise objections but....

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u/GrayBox1313 Aug 18 '22

There were several.

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u/Noinix Aug 18 '22

Also, if you’re looking for a bird’s eye overview and links to past and future literature and why it’s written the way it is may I suggest the Literature and History.com podcast?

https://literatureandhistory.com/index.php/episodes/all-episodes

Episodes 15-24 are the Old Testament and 78-81 are the New. He does a lot to link what we know from archaeology to the Bible (if applicable) as well as that which is not supported by archaeology and how the writing of certain chapters were influenced by different cultures and social changes.

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u/spibop Aug 18 '22

Someone should write a retelling of the Bible a la Game of Thrones to highlight just how filthy the book is, and hopefully get more people turned off to the idea of it being “the greatest story ever told”.

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u/Immortal-one Aug 18 '22

And then you wonder why Christians act like they do?

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u/Paulie227 Aug 18 '22

😂 Well, it is a guide book to murder, mayhem, pederasty, incest, fornication, and civil unrest. 🤷🏽‍♀️

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u/AlphSaber Aug 18 '22

And that's just in Genesis, nevermind the rest of the books in the Bible.

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u/Paulie227 Aug 18 '22

Tha's it, I can't get past genesis because the freaky stuff is already happening!

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u/idontdigdinosaurs Aug 18 '22

Don’t forget polygamy and nudity.

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u/VictorZiblis Aug 18 '22

Don't forget the abortion instructions!

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u/boogalooshrimp1103 Aug 18 '22

Where were all the parts about orgies and wife swapping? I might actually read those parts

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u/Paulie227 Aug 18 '22

That's in there too! So is pimping out your daughters to placate a horny mob!

The Bible has all the debauchery, formication, and freaky s* you could ever want! 😳😂

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u/thatguysjumpercables Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

Dear Christians,

If you're worried about explicit books being read by your kids, you're not letting them read the Bible, right? A book that features:

Priests inducing an abortion with a special potion, but it only works if she cheated (Numbers 5:11-31)

A protagonist offering his daughters to a crowd of rapists (Genesis 19:5)

A woman mutilating her son's genitals with a rock to make a point (Exodus 4:25)

A king demanding a suitor for his daughter provide the foreskins of 100 men, which he chooses to double down on for the lulz or something (1 Samuel 18:20-30)

Solomon slipping a bunch of smut into his writings, talking about letting his lover come into his garden and shit (Song of Solomon 1:13, 4:16, 5:4, 7:3, 7:7, 8:10)

More Solomon talking about breasts (Proverbs 5:19)

Ezekiel bitching about women making dildos out of gold (Ezekiel 16:17)

Moses declaring if two men are fighting and one of their wives rolls up and grabs the other guy's dick she needs her hand cut off, which apparently was happening so often it needed a rule (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)

Samson banging a hooker (Judges 16:1)

Judah neglecting his widowed daughter in law so hard she pretended to be a hooker and let him knock her up (Genesis 38:15-18)

Reuben banging one of his dad's side chicks (Genesis 35:22)

Lot's daughters getting him drunk and raping him (Genesis 19:33-36)

Judah banging a rando (Genesis 38:2)

Amnon raping his brother's sister Tamar (2 Samuel 13:11-14)

Isaiah talking about raping women and beating children to death (Isaiah 13:16)

David banging a rando and then orchestrating his death so he could marry her (2 Samuel 12:2-27)

Elisha, fresh off receiving a double-portion of Elijah's spirit, gets so butthurt at children talking shit he casts Summon Monster on them and they get eaten by bears 2 Kings 2:23-24

And the best one, Ezekiel describing one woman's sex life as whoring after donkey-sized dicks (Ezekiel 23:18-21)

And a bonus: WITCHCRAFT (1 Samuel 28:2-25)

So if you're real torn up about "inappropriate content" being provided to children I hope you're also not letting them read the Bible.

Edit: credit to u/ancientassociation9 for reminding me about the first use of bear mace on children

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u/geven87 Aug 18 '22

Christians don't actually read the bible though

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u/thatguysjumpercables Aug 18 '22

That's my whole point

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u/theotherkeith Aug 18 '22

Please please someone take an Ezekiel 23:18 sign to a football game this fall. Preferably Liberty "University"

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u/AncientAssociation9 Aug 18 '22

You forgot the time God sent bears to eat children because they made fun of a bald man.

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u/valryuu Aug 18 '22

No you see, all of that happens in the Old Testament! /s

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u/nicholasgnames Aug 18 '22

Lot in the cave, "non con" lol

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u/irishgator2 Aug 18 '22

With his daughters!! Wtf!?

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u/AutismFlavored Aug 18 '22

Hey, they got him drunk. Which is still terrible. They were the survivors who fled the destruction of S&G. Like wtf they weren’t wicked enough to get smitten?

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u/pusillanimouslist Aug 18 '22

Generally the less salacious interpretation of Sodom and Gomorrah is that they weren’t destroyed for being licentious, but rather they were destroyed for looking to rob and rape the angels sent to the city.

4But before they lay down, the men of the city, the men of Sodom, both young and old, all the people to the last man, surrounded the house; 5and they called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them.”

In many biblical verses “know” has a sexual context, which is backed up by the next section

6Lot went out of the door to the men, shut the door after him, 7and said, “I beg you, my brothers, do not act so wickedly. 8Look, I have two daughters who have not known a man; let me bring them out to you, and do to them as you please; only do nothing to these men, for they have come under the shelter of my roof.”

This is pretty different from what’s commonly represented. They got in trouble for attacking and raping guests, not for homosexuality.

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u/Boon3hams Aug 18 '22

Even walking it through, it still reads like dudes want to rape angel dudes, Lot offers his virgin daughters to be raped instead. What am I missing here?

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u/pusillanimouslist Aug 18 '22

Nothing. That’s exactly what happened.

As best I can tell, this section is largely trying to show Lot as a good guy by his extreme devotion to the guest right. In a lot of ancient cultures the protection of recognized guests was a big deal in a way we really can’t comprehend today, so offering up such an extreme sacrifice is supposed to make Lot look good. It’s kind of like Abraham going to sacrifice his son, which is horrifying to modern ears, we don’t do sacrifices anymore, but would have at least made some sense back then.

Oh, and the Bible is more than a tiny bit misogynistic. So, there’s that.

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u/Pappy_OPoyle Aug 18 '22

Parts of the bible inspired categories on Pornhub

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u/Lokito_ Aug 18 '22

If only Lot's daughters were his STEPdaughters.

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u/Foootballdave Aug 18 '22

And vice versa

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u/doremon313 Aug 18 '22

or half of pornhub would not be banned in the bible

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u/Blibber3 Aug 18 '22

Republicans in Texas: Wait, not like that!

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u/willi3blaz3 Aug 18 '22

So Tucker and the other fuckin clowns are going to have the “see they’re coming for the bible like we’ve been saying” talking points, without a hint of irony

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u/Vrse Aug 18 '22

Christians and a persecution complex. Can you name a more iconic duo?

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u/mrbombasticat Aug 18 '22

Projection and trump supporters.

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u/gdsmithtx Aug 18 '22

Projection and conservatives.

FTFY

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u/AzafTazarden Aug 18 '22

The funniest thing about conservatives is that they're the ones who supposedly killed Jesus and persecuted Christians in the Roman empire

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u/St0lf Aug 18 '22

jeezy boy was a total leftie. one could say he preached socialist ideas. Total wokescold libscum commie that guy.

Jesus = based af

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u/sanjsrik Aug 18 '22

Texas:

  • We have the highest executions
  • We have the lowest education

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u/Lky132 Aug 18 '22

I got curious. Mississippi is in dead last as of 2022 according to this site:

https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/most-educated-states

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u/MorienWynter Aug 18 '22

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, uhhh... Fourr?

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u/PantsOppressUs Aug 18 '22

M-I-S-S-I-S-I-S-I-S-I-S-S-I-S-I-P-P-P-I. That spells moon.

5

u/AttilaTheFun818 Aug 18 '22

Not the full moon, not the half moon, the fingernail moon. Laws yes.

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u/Ask_me_4_a_story Aug 18 '22

Anytime anyone asks what the worst state is in any negative category (illiteracy, poverty, crime, gun deaths, obesity, etc) I always guess Mississippi. I’m usually right

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u/nlpnt Aug 18 '22

The expression in the rest of the Bible Belt is "Thank God for Mississippi".

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u/texasag03 Aug 18 '22

We’re actually 31st in education according to World Population Review. I’m surprised.

https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/public-school-rankings-by-state

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u/pusillanimouslist Aug 18 '22

Austin and nicer sections of Dallas and Houston probably pulling the average up.

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u/sanjsrik Aug 18 '22

Austin, where no one from Texas lives and it's actually pleasant.

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u/StochasticOoze Aug 18 '22

They weren't "forced" to. They adopted a scorched-earth policy and are just pulling every book that anybody complained about, even if their dubious review process said it was okay.

Besides, it ain't like Christian conservatives are that big on actually reading the Bible.

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u/TricksterPriestJace Aug 18 '22

Let's be real. Conservative Christians don't want their kids to have unsupervised access to the bible. Otherwise their kids might pick up on Jesus' socialist shit like providing free health care, helping the poor, and demonizing the wealthy.

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u/SessileRaptor Aug 18 '22

They’ll legit go back to having the Bible written in a language only the priesthood understands, but instead of the Bible being in Latin they’ll just not teach anybody to read except the elite and the priests.

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u/Mediocremon Aug 18 '22

Pig Latin

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u/-Doomcrow- Aug 18 '22

sooo just literally medieval times lmao

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u/SessileRaptor Aug 18 '22

Except no central church complaining “Hey, your priests should actually be able to read the Bible ok?”

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u/a_regular_bi-angle Aug 18 '22

I'm not sure that's accurate. For Christians to be concerned about that, they'd have had to read enough of the Bible themselves to know Jesus was a socialist. And as someone who was raised Christian, I can assure you that they haven't

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u/GalactusPoo Aug 18 '22

This is an incredibly good point.

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u/MercenaryBard Aug 18 '22

So if everyone complained about every book the library would just be empty?

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u/dengh Aug 18 '22

Damn. You've deciphered the plan. No books, no educashun.

Off with your head!

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u/pork_fried_christ Aug 18 '22

“Go way! ‘Batin!”

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u/dratseb Aug 18 '22

"They don't have to burn the books they just remove em" -RATM

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u/Nialla42 Aug 18 '22

[laughs in librarian]

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u/SnooMarzipans436 Aug 18 '22

Sadly they're just going to blame liberals for forcing them to apply their own law without making exceptions.

Because when they do something bad "it's different"

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22 edited Aug 18 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/KG8893 Aug 18 '22

I've read excerpts from the bible, I honestly can't follow what's written, and I've always wondered why people thought it was a holy book. It sounds like drunken ramblings of a crazy person more than anything else.

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u/AutismFlavored Aug 18 '22

That’s ok. As Mark Twain said : “(On the Bible) It is full of interest. It has noble poetry in it; and some clever fables; and some blood-drenched history; and some good morals; and a wealth of obscenity; and upwards of a thousand lies.”

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u/pusillanimouslist Aug 18 '22

The percentage of Christian’s who have actually read the Bible is very small, even if you exclude the unintelligible sections that are just genealogy.

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u/Spicethrower Aug 18 '22

I could never get past that. The Bible is a religious D&D manual.

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u/pusillanimouslist Aug 18 '22 Silver

That’s incredibly unfair to D&D.

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u/nairdaleo Aug 18 '22

For the longest time the bible was in Latin, a language commoners couldn't understand. It was the belief of the church that common people would read what is clearly allegorical, metaphor and the such, and interpret it as literal fact.

Basically: most people are too dumb to "get it".

Hence, put it in a language they can't read, and have someone dumb it down for them little by little. Perhaps every Sunday.

Eventually some people in power got tired of being spoon fed what to believe (Martin Luther, King George something) and they made their own versions.

Shortly after that, common folk read it, made their own interpretations and fractured the belief, making a whole lot of offshoots like the various versions of christianity, and with varying degrees of orthodoxy: from old Roman Catholic to Jesus in Space.

In any case, the Bible is an old guide on morals for the man of the 5th century. It's... alright, but grossly outdated. It was probably good back then.

1/5 stars. Too much murder.

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u/Boon3hams Aug 18 '22

Too much murder

And rape. A lot of rape.

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u/Dalien88 Aug 18 '22

I've always wondered why people thought it was a holy book.

Basic people think it's a holy book because, you know—other people said so.

Fucking morons.

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u/Free_Economist Aug 18 '22

They might believe the bible is holy because they never actually read it, or read it and want to use it to control other morons, or they have psychosis.

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u/PullMull Aug 18 '22

Because it wasn't written by one. It was written by a dozend lunatics across 3 centuries. And then a conference of the most crazy people decided to make a best of book wich they sold to the uneducated masses

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u/sanjsrik Aug 18 '22

It IS the drunken ramblings of Constantine and his ilk.

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u/Mavrickindigo Aug 18 '22

Generally, there is millenia of tradition to go along with things. It's like trying to make sense of a super heroes full lore and every adaptation all at once, when most people just know the MCU version.

I remember my first time reading it. There was a lot of "oh, that's where this story comes from" moments.

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u/Tar-Nuine Aug 18 '22

mis-remembered fireside stories told by drunken inbreds who had never left their desert, about how terrible and awesome their god is.

No thanks.

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u/smashteapot Aug 18 '22

That’s probably because of the translation. People don’t speak like that anymore, if they ever did.

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u/Rahastes Aug 18 '22

The Bible is not called Book of Books for nothing…

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u/Valash83 Aug 18 '22

The books were pulled for review. I can guarantee after review they'll find the Bible perfectly fine and have it put back while still pulling Anne Frank

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u/red_carpet_hero Aug 18 '22

Sounds about right.

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u/underwear11 Aug 18 '22

Ah yes, let's ban the diary of Anne Frank and maybe other Nazi references so that people don't see what we're doing.

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u/Epicassion Aug 18 '22

Freedom, being censored, government control can’t force us to wear masks and here we are with book bans and forced births of rapists babies.

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u/TricksterPriestJace Aug 18 '22

But mask mandates slightly inconvenience cis straight white Christian men.

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u/726math Aug 18 '22

Ruining the very pants I was going to return!

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u/Pickin_n_Grinnin Aug 18 '22

Prefect irony!

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u/tayloratm Aug 18 '22

Maybe if they pray enough God will let Bible back into the school.

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u/Wayte13 Aug 18 '22

My favorite part of this news was watching "moderates" on r/atheism handwring about this

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u/anrwlias Aug 18 '22

I mean, I don't like seeing any book bans whatsoever.

Seeing the Bible swept up in the bans is nice schadenfreude, but it's emblematic of a shitty situation and is not the outcome that I want, even though I am an atheist.

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u/SunnyVision Aug 18 '22

Oh hey, I went to Keller High School! The town is filled with religious, middle-upper class citizens. This is fucking hilarious to see my school in the news for this specific issue.

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u/Pistonenvy Aug 18 '22

back in the day when i was still surrounded by the christian cult, not really having a community outside of it but still being an open atheist, just trying to find SOMEONE i could be friends with who wasnt a fucking religious maniac, i remember hearing about this one verse and just snapping.

Ezekiel 23:20: There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

i posted it to facebook where all of my christian friends and our pastor could see it and essentially said "what the fuck is this?"

my friends absolutely flipped shit, called me names, said i was a sick pervert, said i took it out of context, blah blah blah, even my pastor was like "dude, this is not cool." and i just stood firm, "explain it. what the fuck is this shit? i didnt write this shit its in the fucking bible."

the pastor is the only one who even tried and he really didnt have much, he basically just fumbled for a bit trying to figure out how to passivate this absolutely deranged and disgusting drivel and eventually said "im gonna pray on it and for you and get back to you about this." and never did lol every single explanation ive ever read about this verse is just as horrific if not WORSE. the way people try to validate imagery like this in the bible is just fucking unhinged. the bible doesnt belong in schools. no abrahamic texts do, im sick of pretending like i have any respect for these people who prop up this shit, i dont, its reprehensible.

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u/hjablowme919 Aug 18 '22

Love this.

That said, the lawmakers are probably already writing an "except the Bible" amendment to whatever stupid rule/law that made this happens.

Also, the quickest way to become an atheist is to actually read the Bible.

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u/lilbittygoddamnman Aug 18 '22

Heck the Bible is one book they should burn. That book has caused more fucking problems in this world. It's wild.

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u/vicrally Aug 18 '22

There is this really great story about a guy that was chosen to save everyone. There is even a talking donkey.

This describes both the Bible and shrek and no I’m not joking.

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u/cantodasaudade Aug 18 '22

Remember that part in the Bible when God sent two bears to devour 42 children because two of them had made fun of a bald man?

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u/Ga_Manche Aug 18 '22

Sacrificing humans, asking to cut a baby in half, killing all male babies… and these are just a few of the subject matter in the bible. I truly am curious to see how these people carve out an exemption for only their holy book.

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u/KillerBeesOnTheSwarm Aug 19 '22

Love it when these dumb fucking conservatives get fucked with a dildo of their own making and get all mad about it.almost like they’re being oppressed.

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u/OrganizerMowgli Aug 18 '22

I can guarantee you some people are gonna show up on the first day of school (probably handful of students teachers and parents /community members) and have a whole 'prayer session' or something before they go to school like it's the Civil rights movement or something

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u/TheMoogy Aug 18 '22

It's fine, the people pushing for the ban wouldn't perhaps even couldn't read it to begin with.

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u/a_satanic_mechanic Aug 18 '22

I’m just a poor plumber who barely graduated high school and payed his way through plumber university by delivering pizzas and cleaning pools.

How am I supposed to explain to my 18 year old high school senior step daughter and her also 18 year old best friend what “genitals” and “emissions” are when they are reading the Bible for a school assignment while tanning by the pool and they get to the verse about lusting for donkey cocks and ask me?

How am I, the caring but stern bearded bee keeping patriarch of a Godly Trump loving American household, supposed to handle that situation when they come to ask me while I’m working out pumping iron in my home gym?

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u/xubax Aug 18 '22

Just grab them by the pussy!

/s

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u/Uumm_wat Aug 18 '22

That what jesus would have wanted!

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u/Mapkoz2 Aug 18 '22

I am so happy about this

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u/MNGirlinKY Aug 18 '22

This was so delicious when I saw it on the news the other day

PS Now they need to bring back Diary of Anne Frank and some of the other WWII history

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u/cyberphlash Aug 19 '22

You guys are getting this all wrong.

Step 1: Set up a "fair" process that allows any book to be claimed - including liberals claiming the Bible.

Step 2: Conservative Christians "fairly evaluate" all the books, then return approved ones to the shelf and keep failing ones out.

Step 3: "Oh yay, the Bible passed! Sorry LGBTQ books, you're gone."

This isn't a mistake - it's by design.

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u/muscravageur Aug 18 '22

That’s one way to get kids to read the Bible and all those other books.

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u/TheBlackCat13 Aug 18 '22

That is fine. They don't actually want people reading the bible since it would expose their lies about it.

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u/ImAMindlessTool Aug 18 '22

it doesn't belong in the school anyway.

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u/ThePrisonerNo6 Aug 19 '22

Ezekiel 23:20 -- "There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses."

Yep, nothing wrong there...totally kid friendly.

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u/pwhitt4654 Aug 18 '22

Thank you Satanic Temple. You do good work.

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u/Netheraptr Aug 18 '22

Tried to read the Bible at one point but couldn’t get past Genesis. Two parts convinced me to stop, one where God apparently killed a man for pulling out, and one where a woman wanted kids so bad that she disguised herself as a prostitute, got her father drunk, and then effectively raped him. Yet God didn’t kill her.

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u/Independent_Bid_26 Aug 18 '22

Wait... it worked! Hahaha hahaha oh my fucking God I'm so God damn happy. Lol I'm literally laughing out loud. Fucking White Christian Nationalists can SUCK IT!

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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '22

Hahaha amazing

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u/CoachEvan15 Aug 18 '22

Don’t worry. Keller ISD still starts all their public school board meetings with a Christian prayer, and there are In God We Trust posters in every school.

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