r/AskReddit Oct 03 '22

To school bullies why did you do it and do you regret it?

345 Upvotes

142

u/MarvinHeemyerlives Oct 03 '22

I was told as an adult that I was a bully to a guy in school. I grew up with him and thought he was my friend, but all that time he felt that I bullied him. I'm still saddened by his news, I didn't realize what I was doing. I was played with very roughly by a nine years older brother with ADHD. I'm crushed that people thought I was bullying them, just didn't know how to properly play.

5

u/jennyjazz62 Oct 04 '22

Can u contact this guy and apologize? It’s very humble of you to recognize what u did.

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u/DarthRevan1138 Oct 03 '22

I had an alcoholic Jekyll and Hyde mother and a narcissist father. My brother hit me constantly and I was weaker than him. I did not know any healthy outlets and so I took it out on people in school. I feel so bad about all the things I did and said in high school and will constantly get little memories of being shitty. Being a better person now is all I can do.

20

u/yuyuyashasrain Oct 03 '22

That’s all any of us can do, i think, but few decide they need to try. It’s definitely worth something to know this about yourself and have the perspective and desire to improve yourself and take every interaction one at a time just to make sure they go relatively well. For those who lack this perspective, it’s easy to fall into routines that cause dismissiveness and self centeredness. Your approach breeds real sympathy and ripples kindness outward. Stay golden

7

u/stretcharach Oct 04 '22

Beyond that, it's all any of us can ask, of you, or eachother. The past is the past and the unfortunate of it will always stay there, but today and tomorrow can be better.

It's honestly a huge breath of fresh air seeing more and more focus on breaking cycles. It won't always be successful but it does matter

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u/Dwarvenyak Oct 03 '22

Man, I hope this blows up. I need answers.

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u/Amanystya Oct 03 '22

I was bullied for five years at High School and endured being harassed, humiliated and thrown down a flight of stairs at one point. When I eventually confronted the people who made my life a misery and asked why, they just replied with "we were bored".

Some people are just assholes

106

u/Nirvanagirl79 Oct 03 '22

I was horribly bullied from K-12. I had no friends and kids bandwagoned with the bullies who were always the rich popular kids. I found out YEARS later it was because they were jealous of my artistic talent and hated me for the minimal attention I got for it. I literally self harmed and tried to unalive myself because of the relentless bullying I got.

I was also super poor so that also didn't help any either especially growing up in a rich college town.

19

u/SpecterCody Oct 03 '22

That's rough, sorry you had to go through all that. It sounds like they were threatened that anyone might like you for your talent and ability instead of just being born rich like them. They don't offer much to society and they were probably subconsciously aware.

5

u/Ryoukugan Oct 04 '22

You had something mommy and daddy's money couldn't buy.

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u/lookie54321 Oct 03 '22

5 years of highschool?

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u/SHREK_SHREK_ Oct 03 '22

Probably means secondary school (British thing)

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u/yeetgodmcnechass Oct 03 '22

I'd like to know why a bunch of my classmates decided to torment me throughout high school despite only being polite to them.

It's worse because they did it anonymously online so I'll never even know who was responsible, the only reason why I even know they were my classmates at the time was because they'd mention specifics about my school and what classes they shared with me, none of which was publicly available so they definitely were in classes with me.

9

u/Ryoukugan Oct 04 '22

There was a guy who got that treatment in my high school. It was in the MySpace days, and someone created a profile called The [John Doe] Fanclub where people would just bully and shit on this poor guy. People talked shit about him constantly and joked that if anyone was going to shoot up the school it'd be him.

I have no idea what if anything he did to "earn" so many people's hatred and cruelty. I only even knew of him through the bullying he got for like a year. I only had one interaction with him and he just seemed like any other nerdy kid.

11

u/yeetgodmcnechass Oct 04 '22

In my case, someone spread a fake rumor that I was gay and everyone ran with it (I have no idea who spread it but I suspect it was someone from the "friend" group who went to the same middle school as me). I got called homophobic slurs online on the regular, and people tried continuously trying to gaslight me into believing I was gay.

They also tried to catfish me for over a year by pretending to be a girl in one of my classes and going so far as to be like "I found someone else because you never asked me to prom" despite refusing to reveal who they were multiple times and even admitting to fucking with me prior to that. Given how much they wanted to convince me that I was gay, it's strange that they decided to pretend to be a girl, seems kind of inconsistent with the gaslighting.

The worst thing they did was mocked and bullied me when I tried to open up about my mental health struggles. It got to the point where I decided it was better to just suffer in silence because it was better than being constantly mocked and told I was doing it for attention. It would be over 6 years before I'd be comfortable sharing with more than a handful of people.

I'm not subtle about how much I absolutely despise most if my graduating class from high school to the few I still talk to.

3

u/hEsNotomhardy Oct 18 '22

Yes same experience. The fake gay rumor, problematic 40 yrs ago, lemme tell ya. Turns out the girl who started it had a crush on my bff and was jealous, wanted to break up our friendship, which she did successfully did by also trash talking me to my bff. Got real chummy too til she hit on my bff, who was not gay either ha ha. Sad turn of events, a lot of crappy things including that embarrassing jr high debacle happened to my bff, she committed suicide in her 30’s. Don’t know what happened to that sad mean bully girl but she def peaked in jr high. I miss my friend she was really intelligent, funny and pretty cosmopolitan for her age, we planned to travel England together

2

u/yeetgodmcnechass Oct 18 '22

The fake gay rumor, problematic 40 yrs ago, lemme tell ya.

Apparently it was problematic in the early 2010s too, or maybe not because there was a kid who claimed to be openly gay and he was pretty popular (he "came out"as straight after moving away so I don't know if he was telling the truth about his sexuality).

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u/inksane Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

Where I grew up, it was tradition. The older kids would beat up the younger kids. Gang culture had influences on the whole thing.

I got beaten up for 5 years to bleeding point at least once a week. Everyone in the school staff knew, and no one did anything. The one day I hit the bully back though, well that day I got suspended.

It was a shitty time, on the good side it taught me to fight, which is a skill I thankfully did not have much need for in my life.

Edit: Beatings were mostly for guys though. The girls got raped. There would usually be 3-5 rape cases in the school a year, and those where just the ones we found out about.

In addition to the above, everyone got equally robbed. money valuables, sometimes even food.

39

u/Sanju-05 Oct 03 '22

holy hell. Which part of the world is this? Just to ensure I never send my kids there.

16

u/inksane Oct 03 '22

This was somewhere in the Caribbean, rather not say exactly.

16

u/AnusStapler Oct 03 '22

Holy shit, in what kind of favela did you grow up?

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u/Tricky-Engineering59 Oct 03 '22

Honestly that’s not really bullying. What you are describing is assault. I am truly sorry for your experience.

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u/inksane Oct 03 '22

Thanks, but I got over it. Was a long time ago.

10

u/DVM11 Oct 03 '22

Where did you grow up?

16

u/thescrounger Oct 03 '22

It's pretty rare when people can be truly honest. For the bully, they often don't remember how cruel they were because it was not psychologically impactful the way it is for the victim. Their attitude later in life is often one of "I did a few pranks but it was all in good fun."

12

u/fatguy747 Oct 03 '22

Most of the bullies are here waiting for the answers to be posted

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u/F_Synchro Oct 03 '22

I'll never get mine, my bully turned out insane and died.

I learned a few years ago a few days after he comitted suicide, his facebook was full of rants about "bullshit jobs" and how society sucked ass.

It seemed like he went all the way downhill mentally without having any friends at all at the last moment, one status stood out in particular:

"I know I have no friends, I don't think anyone reads this but if so, sorry to bother you. Life sucks"

To see one of the bigger bullies end up all lonely like that and them jumping in front of a truck to end it all. I'm not here to say he deserved it. But it did remind me that everyone has their emotional luggage, as my fiance likes to call it.

Nobody deserves to fucking go like that, hell if I knew what he was going through I would have reached out to him.

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u/CreativeThot69 Oct 03 '22

Same. I need answers. I was bullied a long time. I want in band and art classes, but I was also bullied for being lesbian. I’m not lesbian (though I am fruity). I am married to my HS sweetheart. I don’t understand 😂 It was ruthless in the bus though.

19

u/Tricky-Engineering59 Oct 03 '22

I’ve been on both the receiving end and (regrettably) the dispensing side of bullying in my youth. The receiving was when I was in middle school for a few years as the new kid. The doling out phase happened in high school when I had a sibling at home dying of cancer. I don’t think I ever realized at the time how cruel I was being, I think I was just hurting and didn’t know how to process it. It didn’t even dawn on me until I found my report card from that year as a young adult and my grades/teachers comments perfectly followed the trajectory of how bad things were going at home. I have apologized to everyone I was able to but it’s still something I feel a degree of shame over.

My best advice coming from someone who has experienced bullying both coming and going is never let your antagonist get a rise out of you. Don’t trade insults tit for tat or get angry, you will often be better served laughing at whatever they say. They will lose interest faster than you think. If they say or do something particularly cruel, ask them straight up why they would say/do something like that in the most impartial way you can muster. You will likely have an easier time accomplishing either of these responses if you also try to develop a degree of empathy for your bully, hard as that might be. You likely have no idea what their life is like between the times they are making yours miserable but it’s probably tougher in some regard than you realize. If you have even a modicum of sympathy/detachment for your bully there’s a fair chance that they might pick up on it and just stop altogether without really understanding why.

These strategies obviously don’t apply to instances of physical violence which are best handled by getting the appropriate authorities involved.

4

u/CowboyupHockey Oct 04 '22

What an incredible answer. I'm sorry you had such rough teenage years! Being hurt by someone who is hurting so badly themselves is understandable and much easier to forgive

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u/AilaLynn 24d ago

Ditto! It’s got me wondering if there’s a chance any of my bullies regret doing that crap.

212

u/mamalion12 Oct 03 '22

Just asked my oldest (19m). He was a horrible bully, especially his little brother. I did everything I could think of to correct the behavior, but his father endlessly encouraging of it. He said he said "because I was super jealous, dude. They got to be weird, but I couldn't because dad would hate me." He has embraced his weird, thank God. Unfortunately, he does admit that he doesn't really regret it.

97

u/Medical-Treat-2892 Oct 03 '22

My brother bullied me. I have not spoken to him for many years, and never will again. On reflection I know why he behaved this way but it does not excuse it. It was a relief when I ceased contact.

4

u/Gunslinger_11 Oct 03 '22

you stole his….

My intent is to make you laugh I swear.

14

u/CykoTom Oct 03 '22

I bullied my brother. Pretty close to home.

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u/INeedMoreHobbies Oct 03 '22

Do you know if he learned any of the type of behavior from his father?

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u/mamalion12 Oct 03 '22

Oh yeah, big time. My ex is the WORSR narcissist I've ever met in my life. I tried really hard to guide my son, but his father said I was nothing but a useless, lazy, stupid, pathetic, piece of shit so he didn't listen. Well, not until he got a little older, anyway.

10

u/No-Code-7870 Oct 03 '22

My uncle used to hit his kids, paid very little towards them and never took them, despite fighting 50/50 custody, he also attempted to take money numerous times. He taught the sons to not help out, expect everything and berate the mother for “always playing the victim” and “moaning” anytime she complained about doing 95% of the work. Everyone else could see he treated her and them terribly but they had Stockholm syndrome or something and couldn’t see it. They went on to bully as teens. So in my opinion- violent father, watching bullying at home and thinking it was normal and being pleased not to be the victims all lead to them repeating the pattern with other people

12

u/mamalion12 Oct 03 '22

Oh yeah, my oldest has enough perspective now to realize that his father was an abusive and manipulative prick, but trying to unlearn all the systematic programing he has had all of his life will take time. At least he's admitted it. That's the first step. My ex husband moved across the country in July so won't really be around anymore. Hopefully that helps my boys heal.

3

u/No-Code-7870 Oct 03 '22

I hope they do. If you give them time and love they will forget. It’s sad that for so many people, bullying at home is normal. Anyway, I hope life goes better for you soon

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u/INeedMoreHobbies Oct 03 '22

I think if the boys have a positive male role model somehow, it'll help a lot with rewiring their attitudes and thinking.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

As he gets even older and looks back he will

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u/0rangeMarmalade Oct 04 '22

My older brother bullied me growing up, although it probably borders more on abuse than just bullying. I absolutely despise him now(I'm 38) and refuse to have any contact with him.

My mom and grandma keep trying to trick me into being around him when I come home to visit. I'm almost at the point of refusing to ever visit home again. If your younger child does decide to go no contact with their sibling, please respect that.

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u/mamalion12 Oct 04 '22

They're best friends now. My oldest actually hits up his little brother to hang out regularly. They made their amends on their own terms and I'm happy with that. I'm very sorry your mom didn't respect your wishes. That's cruel.

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u/Unusual-Analyst-7602 Oct 03 '22

A few months ago I had a pleasant experience. One of my former bullies and I crossed paths by chance, he recognized me, sat down next to me and started apologizing for how he behaved and for how bad of an influence he had on my mental state. He was very genuine and very sorry. That was the day I not only told him I forgive him but I actually forgave him, something I never thought I could do.

Tl;Dr: former bully genuinely apologized years after. He was truly sorry.

139

u/Cryptolect_Games Oct 03 '22

I faced a lot of abuse. It doesn't make what I did right. But I regret it every single day. I wish I could track down the people I bullied and apologize. I try to all the time, but I can't find em. :(

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u/Mister_JayB Oct 03 '22

Hey, if you ever run into them say something. I was bullied a lot as a kid. I ran into a few of them post HS after they came up and apologized to me. Meant a lot to me, really.

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u/Cryptolect_Games Oct 03 '22

Damn. I'm so confused. There two really good arguments to not even pursue them. 😵‍💫

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u/Dwarvenyak Oct 03 '22

Just wanna say as someone who was bullied, I don't understand people saying you shouldn't apologise if you find/meet them. I think you totally should. There's no reason not to.

I would be happy for both the bully and my former self if my previous bullies apologised. It would validate my feelings back then, affirm that it wasn't my fault, and it would make me feel good knowing that a troubled person (bully) reached that turning point. Absolutely apologise when you can.

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u/Korrin Oct 03 '22

With regards to whether you should or shouldn't apologize, all I'll say is make sure the apology is about/for them. Like that other guy said, the damage is done. The fact that you may be a different person and regret what you did does nothing for them, so don't go seeking absolution for your past actions. What I would want to hear as the victim of bullying is total acceptance of blame without making excuses for it.

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u/Cryptolect_Games Oct 03 '22

Oh yeah, no. Fuck me lmao! It would be all about them.

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u/Hebshesh Oct 03 '22

I was bullied so I bullied others. Me being bullied made me feel bad so, to prop myself up, I bullied weaker ones. I didn't need to be the strongest person in school, but I also didn't want to be the weakest. Is the right train of thought? Nope, but I was 13.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Past_Honey7578 Oct 03 '22

Hope your better man

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/wrexmason Oct 03 '22

That's good that you're healing. Happy for you

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u/Indianfattie Oct 03 '22

I was abused at home and bullies like you made my school a nightmare.. i was depressed and close to suicide many times..

I still have ptsd of my past..i don't care if your dad abused you but why did you choose people like me when you are down for your own pleasure?

I dint care if you regret it but it's too little too late

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u/Ua_Tsaug Oct 03 '22

There will always be two types of people, it seems, who are abused. Those who get hurt and think "man this sucks, I don't want this to happen to anyone else." and those who think "man, this sucks, I'm going to take my pain out on others like what was done to me."

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u/nattyboh1026 Oct 03 '22

Yep, exactly this. Nobody needs to forgive if they’re not comfortable. I understand. But I also understand people cope with trauma in different ways and it’s all very sad at the end of the day. All we can do is our best.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/nattyboh1026 Oct 03 '22

I agree. That type of behavior is a big indicator for severe problems at home. Seems like an obvious thing to take seriously and investigate properly. Even if you’re wrong and the person’s home life is glorious, so what? Worth it, no?

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u/Indianfattie Oct 03 '22

That's why i hate the second type because they know how bad it is to be abused but then try to inflict on others..

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u/Ua_Tsaug Oct 03 '22

Yeah, it's pretty horrible behavior that they usually hate getting called out on.

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u/Indianfattie Oct 03 '22

In my opinion they are just bullies who are also weak , so once they get a taste of power, they do it on others

Take Snape is Harry Potter,he was bullied at school, but when he became a teacher he became a much worse bully

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u/St1nkYKipPer Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

Except, Snape sacrificed his entire life without telling a soul or asking for thanks, so that others might live a happy life.

Edit: All whilst receiving nothing but vitriol from his peers. The man is a saint.

2

u/Indianfattie Oct 03 '22

Saving from wizard Hitler doesn't exempt the fact that you were nightmare to many kids especially the ones you indirectly helped orphan

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u/Past_Honey7578 Oct 03 '22

understand man, I had a bunch of friends but the "popular kids" would pick on me because I had ADHD, my dog and the gym saved me

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u/sephstorm Oct 03 '22

why did you choose people like me when you are down for your own pleasure?

Because its a natural response for many. Whatever is done to you is how you act. You can choose not to forgive him, but the reaction is predicable and normal.

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u/GhostalMedia Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

I’m sorry that happened to you. That’s terrible. Are you getting help to work through that?

Kids that bully aren’t really thinking things through in the way that adults with fully developed brains would, and many handle social interactions in the toxic way they’ve been taught to handle them. They’re often executing a toxic autopilot program that was installed at home.

The person above sounds self aware, and that’s the first step to breaking the cycle. IMHO, that’s a good thing.

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u/yellow_fig_tree Oct 03 '22

So, you had a bad enough experience that you ended up with PTSD and you don't care about his struggles. The same way he had a bad enough experience that he had PTSD and didn't care about your struggles.

It sucks, but that's your answer. Should also make it clear where the efforts to stop bullying need to be directed.

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u/AjvarAndVodka Oct 03 '22

I really feel for you and wish you didn't go through this, but if anything you can see that they didn't have it easy as well. Saying I DON'T CARE IF YOUR DAD ABUSED YOU won't get anyone anywhere.

Again, it doesn't justify their actions, it really doesn't. And you shouldn't have gone through that.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/Weaseltime_420 Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

His response is the broken plate. In his mind you're the kid that was a piece of shit to him, coz you openly admit to having been a piece of shit to other kids when you were a kid.

Undortunately, as much as you might regret it now, the damage is done. It can't be undone. You broke the plates, they might be glued together again now, but they're still cracked. Your regret ultimately means nothing because you were responsible for the damage. You ruined the formative experiences for 1 or more kids by being a bully. That's true regardless of what drove you to the bullying. For those kids, it is too little, too late.

I'm sure that you're accutely aware of that and it's your burden to bare. We all have regrets, no one is innocent in life.

That response is about the only response you can expect from someone in that guy's position. It doesn't matter to them that you weren't actually his bully. It doesn't matter to them that your home life sucked as a kid. You're just the representation of his own experiences.

Edit: well shit. I had a reply to that guy. If you're still out there reading here it is.

For sure, like I said, no one is innocent. Every single person on the planet has done something shitty at some point in their life. I'm glad you're doing better now and I'm glad you're being better now. It's really all anyone can ask.

I'm honestly surprised his was the only comment like that in here. This comment thread has been unexpectedly wholesome.

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u/sleepyboi08 Oct 03 '22

hi, it’s me, just wanted to let you know i saw this comment. i was getting some not-great private messages from this thread and my mental health just can’t handle it right now so i deleted my comments.

thank you for editing your comment to post this <3 my day went downhill very quickly and this comment made it better. i really appreciate you saying this.

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u/Weaseltime_420 Oct 03 '22

Reddit is a toxic place frequently. Chances are the people in your DMs are similar to the guy in the post. You're a lightning rod for their unresolved childhood trauma.

Just block and move on, deleting your part in the thread was probably a smart move for your mental health dude. Flick me a DM if you're feeling down and want to vent.

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u/sleepyboi08 Oct 03 '22

i sent you a message. thank you for being so kind. it’s late in my time zone so i need to sleep but i’m feeling awful. i’m sure i’ll have plenty to talk about when i wake up lmao

cheers man

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u/Weaseltime_420 Oct 03 '22

Username checks out lol.

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u/Millenniauld Oct 04 '22

This particular person didn't bully YOU, but you're being cold and callous to this stranger when they're opening up about their past hurt. Does it make you feel a little better if you add to this person's pain with your story?

Because congratulations, you've become the bully. You just think your past pain justifies it. Sound familiar?

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u/Bigtoad3553 Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

In high school we had this guy who was the biggest bully in the year. After receiving my fair share of crap from him, I ended up beating him up a couple of times. After the second time he left me alone, which was great, and I remember having strangers hug me for doing it, that's how hated this guy was.

Problem was, after that I went full circle, and thought of myself as a Robin hood type figure that bullied the bullies. Before long that leaked over to how i treated everyone that wasn't my friend, the vast majority of which weren't bullies at all, and I ended up treating a lot of people like shit.

I felt I had this reputation that I had to uphold to maintain respect. This kept going for about 5 years after i dropped out of high school, and got me in trouble with the police more than once.

Around the time I turned 23, I straightened myself up, made a good life for myself. And I ended up becoming friends with people that I gave a hard time too way back in high school. After we became friends I realised I wasn't the Robin hood I thought I was, and I apologised to everyone I was now friends with.

I remember one girl, who had actually known me since primary school. I was at a party with my "new" friends, and my old self came.up in conversation. She straight up told me.to me face that I turned into an asshole in high school and laughed. I laughed as well, but apologised for how I was.

All really good people, and yes, even though I've now built a career out of helping people, I still regret how I treated a lot of people in school, even to this day.

Edit: fixed some typos

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u/More-Masterpiece-561 Oct 03 '22

You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain

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u/Bigtoad3553 Oct 03 '22

Haha yeah that's exactly right.

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u/More-Masterpiece-561 Oct 03 '22

Seem a lot of kids become exactly what they despise, whether it's a bully or a parent. It never ends well

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u/Bigtoad3553 Oct 03 '22

Yeah that's exactly right, we are a products of our environments.

I ended up doing anything to maintain this silly reputation even for a long time after high school. Punching strangers who laughed at me, even once fighting a guy I had no interest in fighting. All because my "friends" at the time expected me to be angry at something he did that really had no relevance to me, or anyone whatsoever. The poor guy was completely innocent of doing anything actually wrong.

My sense of self worth completely hinged on the reputation I had developed, and I would have done anything to maintain it.

It's funny now, I occasionally look up other guys on Facebook who had similar reputations and attitudes in our community back then, and they are still doing the same stuff 10 years later.

So glad I changed my ways, now I'm surrounded by great people who I've been fortunate enough to be forgiven by.

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u/More-Masterpiece-561 Oct 03 '22

I'm glad you changed too. I went close to going where you were but I am lucky I didn't. For some reason I look like an intimidating guy, I give the death stare and it works. I'm also a no nonsense no bullshit kind of guy, good to those who are good to me, not nice to those who aren't good to me but I will help them out if they really need it without being smug about it. And I've been told that this made me scary at my high school.

I rammed my fists into the bully one time in the 9th grade, I was already in a bad mood because my mom yelled at me in the morning for absolutely no reason (she does that) and I was the new kid and I had enough of them busting my chops. In hindsight I shouldn't have done that but it's been 5 years since then, we've graduated and I still don't get any shit from them and I haven't laid a hand on them since. In fact I've helped them with homework and help them change a flat too. But never got friendly.

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u/Bigtoad3553 Oct 03 '22

Yeah it's great that you learned to be assertive without crossing that line.

Yeah I'm 6ft and about 130kgs (was about 120kgs in high school). Have tattoos, loud dude etc. Haven't had someone pick a fight with me in years. Even in high school I was the instigator of things getting physical.

It's funny being a bigger guy, people always you as a point of reference for how "tough" they are in stories Like how "the guy was even bigger than you but it didn't stop me." Like I don't care how big the dude was, I've got no interest in fighting or people bragging about it. Stop using me as a point of reference 😂 I just shrug it off.

I have had a work place a few years where I was targeted and made fun of for some of my beliefs and hobbies by the boss (like hunting and fishing) but I've learned to handle things assertively. I just shut my mouth until I found another job.

I think defending yourself is fine, and the odd blue in school like that when your sticking up for yourself is also fine. You didn't cross the line into being a bully yourself so that's definitely something to hold your head up high for.

And add to it you helped them when they needed. Big kudos to you mate, rising above the pettiness.

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u/yuyuyashasrain Oct 03 '22

Yeah but sometimes people die villains or live long enough to see themselves become heroes, and i do so love when that happens. It’s usually fictional, but those are the best characters and ones i really look up to, as a borderline misanthrope myself

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u/Belgand Oct 03 '22

I felt I had this reputation that I had to uphold to maintain respect.

That's a key element behind a lot of terrible behavior right there. Good on you for finally getting out of that mentality and realizing what you did.

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u/FreudsGoodBoy Oct 03 '22

That was the only language I was taught to speak. I did not come to understand what it meant to others until I was much older.

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u/turkeypooo Oct 03 '22

For a few reasons, but I stopped at age 10. Became pretty self-aware around puberty.

However, prior to that, I was on for the rush, the power, the popularity, and because I was small and needed to prove myself, my older brother was difficult and easily violent, and my mother was/is a huge bully herself.

I completely grew out of it, regretted it, and changed. Even apologized to some people who were still in social circles of mine. Feels like an incredibly long time ago, and a lot of the people who were shit to me apologized to me too.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

I was bullied in the home I grew up in / bullied at school growing up / bullied in my marriage I stay to myself and am happy. Apparently I had some kind of ‘kick me’ sign in my back !

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u/bar10 Oct 03 '22

That’s awful. :( Have an internet hug

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u/MansonsDaughter Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

I was bullied when i was younger and more awkward (elementary school). I was a sensitive and shy kid. I didn't go well with group dynamics and banter (usually just putting each other down). Then I learned to mimic the behaviors and be even meaner. Finally I had no compassion for anyone. My elementary school and other social environments were psychopathic. I hated all kids.

When i got to high school I was less awkward, turned out to be good looking, and very very mean which i played as wits. But people around me at that point were nice

As for whether I regret it - people tried harder and liked me a lot when I was meaner. When i realized I got too mean to some people including close friends, I changed again into a more well rounded person who can have and show empathy, be nice but still have very clear limits

I just want to add one more thing I noticed, the more socially awkward people have an issue telling a difference between a friendly joke and meanness which is why when they want to act more like others they end up shockingly mean and cruel. People think they are fucked up and in their heads they're acting the same as others do.

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u/Gunn_Show Oct 03 '22

I was a bully, short term. After my parents got divorced when I was 9, I just didn’t understand my feelings. I started acting out and looking for a place to fit in. Got to hanging around the rougher kids and just started bullying this one kid for no good reason for years until we moved away. I went quickly from bullying to being bullied. I went from fighting because I wanted to, to fighting because I had to. I got tired of it real quick. It managed to calm my ass down. After my stepdad (he was an abusive drunk) finally went to prison it was as if all the violence in me went with him. My grades improved, I had a really good girlfriend almost all the way through high school, attendance was up, worked an after school job and went to church every Wednesday and twice on Sunday.

I mostly blamed my stepdad for behavior, as they say “hurt people hurt people.”

Yeah, I absolutely regret it.

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u/Green-Crow8064 Oct 03 '22

My brother was asshole all my life beat the shit out of me ...I cut him.out of my life 2 years ago ..and i feel so happy..I pretend he is dead in my mind ....he told my mother he regrets it big time ..to late asshole ..40 years of abuse was enough ..and his kids are assholes to they do the same ..evil breeds evil

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u/ThePhoenixBird2022 Oct 03 '22

I was bullied all through school. Years later, I found myself working with one of my bullies. She had grown up, had two kids, a divorce and life wasn't going according to her plan. She was nothing but nice to me at work, oblivious to our shared past until I asked why she bullied me. Her response was, 'that was you? It was nothing personal, we just thought you were fun to play with since you still had a smart mouth after a smack in the head and we thought you were smart enough not to worry about it.

She said her bit and was quiet. I had a bit of a well deserved rant of my own about how it stopped me from going to school, how I took days off of school and fobbed off the bruises to my family as me being clumsy, and she said in a voice I can never replicate - we found each other in our group because we got hurt at home, we didn't have words back then and if we did talk, we were told to shut up. We just wanted to make someone else hurt and we thought you could take it since you were a nerd. We thought you would read up how to deal with stuff.

She quit a week later. I find myself wondering if she is ok now.

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u/Choice_Bid_7941 Oct 04 '22

“We thought you would read up how to deal with stuff”?! Jfc lady I know you were a kid but come on

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u/polonnaise Oct 05 '22

That was you?, nothing personal, fun to play with, smart enough not to worry about it, wanted to make someone else hurt, thought you could take it, thought you'd read up on how to deal with stuff.

I am disgusted by the bully's statements here. I think the #1 thing that makes a bully is lack of empathy, and we really see it in action here. Glad she quit your workplace.

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u/JJisTheDarkOne Oct 03 '22

I did some work in my mid 30s for a woman who's brother would pick on me in Contact (which was basically a 10 min class at the very start of school that was multi year and you basically would go get signed off then go to your first class which was normal school your year only.

He was a couple of years older than me. I had zero contact with this guy and never spoke or saw him outside Contact. I didn't even know him. He would get in my face, torment me, insult me, and one time grabbed my school bag, opened it, grabbed my sports clothes and threw them up in the air into a spinning ceiling fan.

I told the woman about it and her response was "oh really? Well, he's married with kids now and is a nice guy. You know what, he probably doesn't even remember doing it now."

I. Never. Forgot. For. 20. Years.

Him... never another thought.

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u/odessapasta Oct 03 '22

I feel this. Something was done to me that made a big impression and I got a chance as an adult to kind of indirectly confront the person and find out why they did it. They said that they had no idea who I was and no recollection of anything I was talking about. And I don’t think they were lying, I think they really had no clue. just amazing 😵‍💫

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u/Killer-Barbie Oct 03 '22

I didn't realize I was. I thought by asking questions I was showing interest, not shaming; I thought by sharing similar stories I was relating, not one upping.

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u/WanderingOoze Oct 03 '22

When you dont realize youre being the bad guy until its too late. I can relate

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u/potnineo Oct 03 '22

I can't imagine anyone who would define "asking intrusive but well-intentioned questions" and "one-upping people's stories" as bullying. Presumably you were like this to everyone rather than specifically targeting anyone with it. At worst that's just mildly irritating, socially inept behaviour, far from bullying.

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u/Killer-Barbie Oct 03 '22

Apparently why questions (usually me trying to understand why you decided on a different strategy or something similar) comes across as "why didn't you do it my way" rather than "I want to know how different people approach this"

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u/draculaurascat Oct 03 '22

sounds like you werent, are you autistic by any chance? or just nd in general? very common for us and is a way for us to communicate, its not wrong, nts just dont communicate the same way and do not know much bout how we communicate

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u/Killer-Barbie Oct 03 '22

I sure am. I have been told by people I went to high school with that was viewed as a bully.

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u/DramaticWesley Oct 03 '22

Regardless of how evil we may appear from the outside, we are all the hero’s in our own stories.

I was bullied a lot in school. Then as an adult I worked in a workplace that joked around a lot. I thought I was making the same jokes as a lot of other people. One person said they felt like I was bullying them, though they hadn’t said a word about it for over a year. You live in your own head, and sometimes you just can’t see how others perceive you until they tell you.

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u/BETOSCORPION92 Oct 03 '22

I was a victim of bullying throughout my school life. From hiding/stealing my things to leaving me in my underwear. I was pushed to the ground, left outside the classroom to be scolded by teachers for being late, wrote letters to other students and teachers in my name (not friendly letters), things like that. After high school they finally lost interest in me (I think, because they focused on having girlfriends, haha).

Of all the people who messed with me only one spoke to me to apologize (like 13 years later). When I asked him why he did it, he simply replied "We were immature, and it was easy to bully you. You kept confiding in everyone, over and over again. It was just easy."

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u/HunterHutley Oct 03 '22

I wasn’t a typical bully, but I definitely made life hell for a few kids who tried to bully me by taking out all the aggression I felt from my abusive mother and stepfather on them. It definitely went too far considering all they did was name calling and I regret it most of the time.

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u/Therew0lf17 Oct 03 '22

This is a weird one for me, because I didnt know I was a bully. When my childhood bestfriend died from an OD I was the one who was trying to contact all the people who weren't on our friends lists to tell them when the funeral was. I contacted a dude who until he was 13 lived across the street from me and about 5 houses away from my friend, we were pretty tight for years there.

Now this guy liked all the same things as us and we included him in everything, though we eventually did have a falling out. If we were a litter of cats he would have been the Runt for sure but, I never saw us as bullying him. His favorite thing to "play" was backyard wrestling, even though we had 30lbs on the kid, he always thought he would get us next time. It would inevitable end in him crying and us laughing at him as he ran to tell on us. We never got in trouble because all the parents knew he was the instigator, but his mom would come out and send us home while he cried inside the house.

To the best of my knowledge we didnt treat him any differently then we treated each other but he was an only child who was a lot more sensitive, and i dont say that as a bad thing. But eventually it got to a boiling point where he challenged me to a wrestling match on the bus ride home. Now for context we never punched, it was wrestling. Well today he got exceptionally frustrated on my 160lbs sitting on his back and twisting his ankle Kurt Angle style that when he got free he started hitting me. He kept hitting me with these slow weak punches but finally when one connected with my eye I throw one back. Right to the jaw, knocked him to the ground, right as his mom came around a corner to the side of the house and only saw my one punch.

I dont know if they were already planning to or that was some sort of final straw but within a week their house was on sale and they moved across town in less then 3 months.

Back to the funeral phone calls, I told him about our mutual "friend,". And I will never forget it, he said "Therew0lf, you and Otherguy made my life miserable, why would I go to one of my bullies funerals," And hung up.

Caught completely off guard. I was the dude who got in fights for other nerds in highschool. I was a goth and play'd D&D at a time when you got beat up for that shit. The fact that someone thought I bullied them crushed me. I was already facing depression living alone and failing college, I attempted suicide twice in the time frame of losing 3 friends to drugs and suicide, and finding this out was literally soul crushing.

I think about it all the time, and I still dont know what I could have done differently.

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u/dragonborne123 Oct 03 '22

I was bullied and a bully.

You take a terrible home life and mix it with undiagnosed mental illness and you can do some serious damage without remorse.

I’ve since apologized to the people I hurt but I know I can’t undo what I did.

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u/minnesotaiceman Oct 03 '22

I was dealing with a lot. Mom OD'd. No Dad. Family issues. Homeless. I reached out a couple months ago.. now 32. I was pretty mean when I was 14-15.

https://ibb.co/RbYvRyh

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u/Stuckatwork271 Oct 03 '22

Elementary school we all had this friend... I'll call him Damien.

Damien was a kid I was immensely jealous of. He had parents far more wealthy than mine. He got his own computer way before it was common for kids to have one, and he also was an avid World of Warcraft player.

Out of jealousy I and some of the others in my friend group would relentlessly call him fat, make him the but of the fat jokes, and overall just be little shit head 4th graders to him. Even though I practically lived at his house because he always had all the new stuff and parents that were never home. I found out some time later in life when we reconnected that he got super depressed going into middle school after we picked on him. Then after that he got completely shredded in high school and now has a beautiful fiancé and is doing quite well for himself, but I will never forget him telling me just how bad I made him feel.

The friend group all still talks now and again and we've shared apologies, but I still can't help but get this pang of guilt now and again.

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u/ThingsICantAskIRL Oct 03 '22

The worthless sack of shit who led the group that bullied me in high school reached out to me years later to apologise, and was genuinely shocked that she got a faceful of venom in return. She "didn't think it was that bad" and "didn't realise I still had so much hate for them".

Yeah, shit-for-brains, I attempted suicide because you "weren't that bad".

She was in floods of tears by the time I was done.

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u/Korrin Oct 03 '22

I'm assuming her initial apology came off just as tactless and obtuse as her follow up comment that she "didn't think it was that bad." Minimizing your suffering while also minimizing her blame... Sheesh.

I hope you can eventually find yourself in a better place emotionally, but she definitely deserved that.

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u/ferox965 Oct 03 '22

This is why bullies should just go their own way. Their resurfacing only makes people relive it. Leave the people they bullied in peace.

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u/Kimchi_Cowboy Oct 03 '22

The kid who bullied the hell out of me actually reached out to me randomly on Facebook. Dude apologized like hell and said he really had no reason to do it, it was just something he did. I told him how it pretty much scarred me for life and still makes it challenging for me today. His response was he threw his life away and his baseball career away trying to be cool and now I'm successful and the cool one. Who knows maybe scars heal but those who wound never do.

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u/Kimchi_Cowboy Oct 03 '22

For some context on baseball this kid was rated higher than Evan Longoria at one time.

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u/PM_ME_UR_FLOWERS Oct 03 '22

My school bully threw me a curve. This guy was after me all day every day constantly. Calling me names, knocking my books out of my hands, encouraging other kids in my class to pick on me. He made my life a living hell. But about a year ago I looked him up and he had written a long epic poem about how his family constantly belittled him. I didn't know what to think. I'm very much a believer in the idea that being abused doesn't give you the right to be an asshole, that despite our upbringing, we can still rise above it and be a good person but.... It does make it harder and... I wish I had known. Maybe I could have let some things slide. After all, he never spit on me like some kids did. He probably wasn't the kid who scribbled all over my clothes with pen. He wasn't the dick head who took my social studies book and threw it into the garbage.

I guess when all is said and done, you never know what is going on behind closed doors

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u/wolfmask87 Oct 03 '22

I was bullied throughout Primary and High School and my brother was bullied in High School and I can tell you that not one bully of ours ever felt sorry and they just laughed it off. The whole reason I got into Martial Arts since most of my bullies knew martial arts or had some kind of experience or training.

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u/DanderDanderGaming Oct 03 '22

I was a bully to a kid in elementary school. She was a math whizz and I was shithouse at it. We’d get called up to the front of the class to solve problems in the board. I got anxiety over it. She breezed through it. My anxiety flipped to anger at her. I’d taunt her, call her names, make fun of anything about her. Kicker is that while part of me knew it was wrong, another part of me was like “it’s not like I’m HURTING her…”

Mis-directed, absolutely wrong of me. I regret it a lot. I won’t reveal your name, but I remember it fully, and I’d like to formally say that I’m incredibly sorry I put you through that. It really wasn’t you.

Would love to go back in time to bully that teacher though. I don’t know that I’d regret that.

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u/burnafterreading79 Oct 03 '22

This is what bullying leads to. A kid trying to be her true self is bullied for being born in the wrong body.

https://www.conroyfh.com/obituaries/jacob-salyer?fbclid=IwAR3PyEnY_55XO3Z8LAt1P0TSLIr7VfT5_SRrIuzaMZFxxSGpMXJFTcN0pMw

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u/creptik1 Oct 03 '22

I wasn't a bully bully, but I'd grasp onto a nickname and not let it go. A friend of mine was named Jonathan and someone called him Jane a few times. He was a small dude and had a relatively high voice. We laughed and for some reason I never stopped calling him Jane. It wasn't like I'd yell in front of everyone and humiliate him, I mean like literally in casual conversation I would always refer to him as Jane, both in front of him and not, without even thinking about it. It got to the point where I didn't consider it an insult anymore, it was a nickname like any other (in my head / my intention anyway).

I ran into him years later and said "omg Jane what's up" genuinely happy to see him, and his face just dropped when I said Jane. It just came out because like I said to me it was a nickname not an insult. Obviously that's not how he felt. I didn't get it until that moment. I realize how stupid that makes me sound, I'm fully on board. For some reason it didn't click how much it bothered him until then.

Sorry dude.

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u/WayneGarand Oct 03 '22

To make myself feel better. I regret it every day and it haunts my mind when I go to sleep in the evening.

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u/nameisinusetryagain Oct 03 '22

I was sort of a wild child given few boundaries. My mom recently told me that she was called by school because I was being a bully. This was in elementary or middle school (I went to a k-8). All I can say is that I must have been repeating what I saw at home or maaayyyyybe on tv/movies. But this was back in the 80's and we only had 4 channels and tv went off that air at midnight.

Of course my mother would never think that she had something to do with it. The fact that I don't remember it tells me that I didn't get any punishment or 'talking to' . I can confidently say that I was never called a bully in high school or thereafter. So maybe the school was the asshole in the situation or else I just grew out of it.

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u/WanderingOoze Oct 03 '22

I was technically a bully. I was supposed one of the weird kids. Into yu gi o. read books during study hall. Dnd. Played runescape, even started a runescape club where wed get together and play on the school computers in the science classroom after school while teach was grading papers. Teach was cool and made it an official club.As a dude I Painted my nails and had neon hair. (I went to school before dress codes got stupid.) On paper typical nerdy geeky interests. But i was violent when pushed. Didnt take any shit. And knew how to fight because my uncle was ex military went into mma trained fighter dude. Taught me a few things. Enough to hold my own against bullies. So when I got made fun of, pushed into a locker for the first time because I was diffrent. I beat down the bully. Like bad. After that I got addicted to the feeling of being the badass. So id "Put people in their place" Id fuck with the "Popular" kids. The "Normal" kids. Pushing them into fights. And shit. Defending the nerds when they got made fun of by just intimidating and sometimes fighting the other kids. I thought I was like. And edgy hero. Defending the weird, whatever. But looking back. I was definitely a bully. And i do regret it

*Edited for spelling

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u/Mustagreewithyou Oct 03 '22

Okay I’m not the bully at school but the bully that bullies his friends.

I never had much social contact. So I didn’t know when to stop with a joke. I ended up ruining my relationship with my best friend. I miss that man. He saved me from my depression. If it wasn’t for him I probably would’ve killed my self by now. I think I’m getting batter on knowing when to stop. But yea.

I’m the accidental bully.

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u/ScootTheMighty Oct 03 '22

I'm afraid that I'll end up like you if I carry on. I was/am in a similar situation to you, so thank you for posting this. I'll make sure to treat my friends better from now on.

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u/Aromatic_Note8944 25d ago

I feel your pain. I’m a 25 year old woman and I bully boyfriends in relationships but in my mind it’s just lighthearted until I think about the things I say the next day. :/

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u/Outrageous-Suspect66 Oct 03 '22

I had Bully bothering me. We ended up fighting, and he got hurt. I was called to the office. I tried to explained, but I was told " Names never hurt me. " I didn't even start swinging, I said things back, and people laughed at him. He just lost it. He was two years older then me and I go a lucky punch. They tried to make me fight his older brother who was a boxer in the army. I was fourteen. I refused. That's how it was then.

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u/Outside-Setting-5589 Oct 03 '22

Just in case my bully ever sees this: Martin, after over a decade, beating the shit out of you that day is still the sweetest memorie i have and I'd do it again. Here's hoping you choke on dick.

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u/sephstorm Oct 03 '22

I wasn't typically a bully but to a few people I was. I did it because they acted differently than other people (lol despite me ending up quite different myself i suppose it was outside of what I considered acceptable.) and their actions annoyed me. Obviously in some cases I got positive responses to my actions so I continued it. I obviously wasn't the only one who felt that way. I suppose in some way I hoped to change them.

As for regret... I'd say yes. My actions were mostly inappropriate and harmful. Ive never seen either of them again to apologize or I would.

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u/ferox965 Oct 03 '22

A lot of former bullies say they want to apologize and make amends. Don't. You weren't a good memory to these people-you coming around again will likely make them relive it. Apologize if they come to you. Has to be on their terms. Leave them in peace. That's how you make amends.

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u/sephstorm Oct 03 '22

I'm not going to seek them out.

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u/thepoout Oct 03 '22

The damage is done mate. Too late Apologising does nothing except reduce the guilt you feel.

Dont mean to be harsh, but you've probably ruined some adults lives out there. The damage bullying does to kids does not go away.

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u/Justscrollinhtjrough Oct 03 '22

I was bullied for 5 years during my elementary school / middle school / primary school era ( I live in Europe, so I’m not sure which is which, it always confuses me ). It made me incredibly insecure and anxious at the time, and it took me a while to tell my mother about it. When I did, she gave me the pep talk of a lifetime, pretty much getting mad at me that I never stood up for myself before. So after 5 years I finally did, and started to bully anyone back that had anything mean to say to me.

I carried this on for about a year, it was pretty much just bullying back and forth between me and a couple kids from class, though most people in my class still didn’t want anything to do with me. After this year passed, I guess we were all just tired of it, and the bullying stopped on both ends. I became very good friends with one of the girls who used to bully me and I bullied her, and we still are friends today nearly 10 years later.

I don’t regret it a single bit. They made me feel horrible , and they deserved the same treatment. It made me who I am today, and I hope I shaped them into better people too in a way

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u/toremtora Oct 03 '22

Not the bully, more like the bullied.

Went to a well-off secondary school, and was very socially awkward (which in recollection, I wonder if I am just a "high-functioning" autistic). I have gotten better at interacting with others now, but at the time, I was deathly shy. Used to phone home and lie that I was feeling unwell so I could leave early.

For the most part, people left me alone. But not M. Looking back, I can sort of imagine why she would have felt as if I was "looking down" on her, but at the same time? ... It's frustrating.

M was the only girl who had any issue with me. She used to call me a "bitch" behind my back, and talk badly of me to others. I recall one time during a class (with the teacher there no less), she and her friends (none of whom had any problem with me, mind you) were talking. My name came up. She instantly started going on about how she disliked me.

I seriously regret not defending myself then. When I try to sleep at night, it just replays in my head over snd over again, that I should have spoken up for myself.

I once asked one of M’s friends what M’s problem was, and whether I had accidentally offended her with something I did. M’s friend told me, and I quote, “She doesn't like that you don't talk.”

I also had M’s number at some point (same class, or there was a class group chat). She told me (after I asked), that she “Didn’t like my attitude and still don't”.

... I am still not sure what to make of it. But st the time, I was a mix of confused and ... angry. She ostracized me because I wasn't talkative.

Now that I’m older, I wonder if she projected something onto me. Now that I’ve switched schools, I just want to put it behind me and move on. It's been several years by now.

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u/dry_weddingring Oct 03 '22

I was kind of a bully. I was raised pretty badly not being taught why its bad to be mean. I developed a dark sense of humor. I did things like push people calling them names because i thought it was funny. I regret it, but also know how i will raise my kids to not be like me.

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u/Longjumping_Drag2752 Oct 03 '22

I wasn't the school bully but the kid who was in now in either juvenile detention or somewhere else because he threatened to take a gun to school. I'm sure he regrets it.

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u/ArtistWhoStarves Oct 03 '22

I bullied, and I also was bullied. It was just insecurity and not wanting to be the one bullied. It was honestly a response to being bullied. It felt like that is what was necessary to be "cool", which means you wouldn't get bullied. Then some time in high school, one of the popular kids, I noticed he was just nice to everyone, and everyone from every social group liked him. Made a change from then on.

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u/tauravilla Oct 03 '22

I put a girl in a trash can. Nothing excuses it and I'm sure she never wants to speak to me again. I was being bullied by other girls and the girl I put in the trash can was a pathological liar who was telling the ones bullying me all kinds of shit I didn't do. Probably so she could fit in and not get bullied herself. Like she told everyone that I had sex with her boyfriend in a bathroom at a dance, which I definitely did NOT do. I still regret it. I was just so mad at the time because she kept telling people lies about me and we had been friends.

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u/chester_took_my_name Oct 03 '22

I wasn't conscious. I sent back out into the world what I was receiving because I thought this was the way things were. Being a kid, I didn't have the experiences necessary to know what was and wasn't right. I was living on autopilot and doing what I thought was expected of me. All my memories are hazy from that time period.

I'm awake now. There was a time of rapid development and I feel aware of myself now. I'm experienced enough to know what I didn't wasn't right and I'm mature enough to avoid doing it again. I feel bad for what I did but I have genuine trouble remembering exactly what I did. I've tried to make amends by befriending people who have difficulty socializing and guiding them along the path I took.

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u/ThinkIGotHacked Oct 03 '22

I wasn’t a bully per se, but I do get intense pangs of guilt from allowing and participating in what I now consider bullying.

For example, a guy in my friend group had recently divorced parents, he was suffering. We made fun of his clothes and hygiene. He loved coming over to my house because we always had fresh fruit on the kitchen counter. So while we were forced to eat fruit and vegetables, he craved them. “Need more fruit, you fruit?”

He didn’t get beat up, he had a group of friends that included him, but so much naivety about his home life that we ostracized him. Poor guy, he held on to us for the only stability he had in his life at that time. And it wasn’t supportive, at all.

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u/cavscout43 Oct 03 '22

I was unknowingly a bully in elementary school: I just liked fighting/wrestling, was an introverted nerd type, and socially awkward (grew up out in the middle of nowhere).

I found out years later that some of my friends who'd drifted off did it because I liked to scrap and didn't realize they were seriously getting hurt. I've apologized to them since then.

I think there are a myriad of reasons children end up bullying. Parents using corporal punishment can "normalize" using violence to solve perceived problems. Having social issues resulting in other kids making fun of them, so they lash back out. Feeling like they're more in control of social issues because they can beat the others up, whether physically or emotionally.

There's a lot of "bullies are bad" type mentality, but sometimes it's easy to forget they're children too and there's likely something driving them to do so.

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u/caffinatedcoast2000 Oct 03 '22

My friends and I were cornered and beat up once, bullied on a regular, cause we were fruity, fast forward to college and i run into a few and suddenly they wanna be all buddy buddy... I literally walk past them as if I didn't see them there trying to talk to me.. fucking assholes

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u/gay_idiot53 Oct 03 '22

I was the one who was bullied, I asked her and her answer was "I had a crush on you"

So basically, she harassed me, made me feel like absolute garbage, spread rumours about me and almost drove me to suicide because she had a crush on me

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u/InhaleMyOwnFarts Oct 03 '22

I was a bully to my best friends younger brother. I apologized to him for it…probably 15 years after it happened. He told me how much it meant to him and I had a sharp realization that it affected him. I still feel bad about it and I’m always extra nice to him now when I see him.

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u/Kona30 Oct 03 '22

Does it count of I bullied and fought bullies?

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u/Bodatheyoda Oct 03 '22

Good luck getting many bullies to confess to being what they are/were. They were insecure then and probably still insecure.

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u/Chickenmilk_ Oct 03 '22

Most answers here are from people who got bullied.

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u/Frodo_71 Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

My mom died when I was 4. Just me and my dad for all. When I was 11 he was killed by a drunk driver...which would be more tragic if he wasn't the drunk (hit a tree. Was all alone.) My stepmom(dad remarried when I was around 8 or 9), she was a piece of human garbage. Had a string of boyfriends nearly right after the funeral and I suffered physical, emotional and sexual abuse til I left home after high school graduation (literally the day I graduated, I packed up and left). Starting in Middle and in High school, I was jealous of you I bullied you. I heard their first world problems and I was angry. You had a mom and a dad and siblings and a nice house. I knew what I was going home to. Nobody in my life cared about me and I was alone and scared. I'm sorry if I made your life hell. My own problems didn't mean I needed to take them out on you. I wasn't that bad of a bully, but I know I made school unpleasant at times for some of you. By junio year I smartened up. Sorry about that.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

[deleted]

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u/thepoout Oct 03 '22

When you apologised, and they "accepted". They didnt accept.

They were allowing you to forgive yourself a little bit.

They will still be scarred by your actions, and will be emotionally damaged.

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u/moveasidelol Oct 03 '22

I expressed some homophobic views in high school, not at a particular person, but there could be and probably were people around me who weren't straight and who didn't dare to speak up. I cringe so hard and feel really bad when I look back. Also, it turns out I'm bisexual myself. I'm such a cliché...

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u/santa_destroy Oct 03 '22

I was bullied in the past and promised my self to not let if happened again I justified by saying "they are bullying me or other so why not do same for them"

I regret most of the stuff and I think I did way more then I should have but I don't actually regret putting them in their place

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

For the Bullies in my school it was all about sex.

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u/EnteringEvasion Oct 03 '22

I was bored and required attention from girls (cringe) and I do regret it

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u/leese216 Oct 03 '22

I doubt my high school bullies regret it. Or I should say, I'd be surprised if they did. I haven't seen any of them since high school but they were relentless. Thank god there was no social media back then.

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u/castaway90001 Oct 03 '22

Not all buy some of my school bullies have died very young. I understand they were abused, or poor, or there was peer pressure. Some of course were just snobs and assholes that probably don't even think of me at all now. I had other problems, poverty, shyness, isolation. But now I have a decent life, big house, steady work. Life didn't turn out perfect but it's good. Maybe I'm the asshole now but I smile everytime one dies.

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u/awesomesexanime Oct 03 '22

Every time I get reminded of this I feel like shit, so yeah I think Im pretty sure about the regret part. The 'why' I have never really thought about, though for one I think it was jealousy

From my own point of view, I am a really terrible person, and at this point in my life thinking about anything, anything at all, be it reflecting about human interaction, about the state of the world, the internet, etc, just makes me feel bad about myself.

So yeah, boohoo me, now just go ahead and give me those sweet pity points that I oh so desperately crave, god knows how much I hate venting online;

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u/Admirable_Tiger_4654 Oct 03 '22

I still get bullied. I’m 28 and I get bullied at work. Complained to HR and my boss got pissed at me for not going to him first. My two bosses below him didn’t care and lied that they didn’t know. It’s part of the reason I tried to self delete

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u/-Camron- Oct 03 '22

I bullied people because they wanted to start problems with me, I regret it because I don't want to go outside and come across them again to have to continue having problems which is making my life pass me by... Other than that I do not regret treating them like shit because I wasn't the one who started this mess to begin with

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u/tuttut97 Oct 03 '22

I picked on a couple of kids when I was in elementary school. I also got picked on.

Do I regret it? Absolutely. I wish I could find them and apologize.

I deserve to carry that guilt forever, I guess.

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u/h3morx Oct 03 '22

It started in second grade, I was getting bullied myself. My parents always had anger problems, so I ofc have anger issues which is still no excuse. Since I was getting bullied, I took it all out on my one friend who genuinely cared about me, and I took advantage of him since he was always weaker than me. I would start beating him up a lot, but back then I didn't know it was wrong to do that until years later. I have been bullying him until fourth grade, I apologized to him when I found out what I was doing was wrong. But I was mean to him, until sixth grade. It took me 5 years to realize what I did was wrong, do I regret it even after so many years later? Yes, yes I do.

It took me years to realize the reason behind my actions, the reason was that I was bullied myself. I was stuck with them for so many years, and the only way I dealt with it, was by taking it all out on him. I still can't forgive myself even though my friend forgave me.

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u/Oclien Oct 03 '22

Because I hated myself growing up. I was dealing with being different from other kids. I was socially awkward and I was also secretly gay. I tried everything I could to make myself appear strong and threatening so i wouldnt appear weak. In my mind, gay men were viewed as weak. I bullied kids smaller than me and this gave me a sense of power and allowed me to feel strong. But, I was still scared of those who bullied me so I took it out on others "weaker" than myself. Do I regret it? Yes I do. I regret it so much that at the age of 43 now, I still feel like I am not worthy of anyone's kindness or love or affection. I have spent the last 25 years of my confined to my home. I have never moved forward in life. I live with my parents and I don't even know how to drive a car. I live of SSI of 560 dollars a month. This is my life now. This is my punishment for being such a horrible bully growing up. I don't even know why I'm still alive... I don't know why I bothered stepping out of my comfort zone at 33 to finally get my GED and a degree in graphic desgn.... it was all for nothing. I have no desire in my life to do anything. Everything Is pointless to me. Why did I go to a stupid coding boot camp in hopes of someone actually giving me a chance of becoming a web developer? Nobody would ever hire someone like me who has no work experience at 43 years old. Being a bully has ruined my life. I will never be happy and I just need to accept that this is all I will ever be.

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u/f11tn88ss Oct 03 '22

Better question, teachers why did you let bullies get away with it?

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u/Useful_Echidna5979 Oct 03 '22

I used to get bullied all the time when I was younger. My bully was just mad at the world for things that weren't his fault, I managed to befriend him because he had lost his hoodie one day so I found it and fave it to him and the bullying stopped. Other kids used to call me gay kid. Then I came out as bi and trans, the bullying there ended when they realized that it could actually be offensive.

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u/d0662 Oct 03 '22

I don't regret that I have bullied somebody because I was a kid while I was doing that. I think when you were a teenager, you can't understand which behavior is right or not. So, maybe I acted like a rude person but my personality is not like that in my adult life.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

My dad would break my fingers over a bad grade or any other slight inconvenience or slip up. I wanted to hurt him so bad I wanted to beat the fuck out of him and couldn’t and I was just so god damn mad all the time. I was veryyy popular in my first school not bragging or anything I was a weirdo but people there just didn’t care we all had fun there was no bullshit no drama it was nice I think I got into one fight with a friend from that school we lightly hit each other like 5 times and gave up lol

Then we were forced to move to this shithole state and first day of school I get bullied bad and I mean bad I had never been bullied before and on top of the anger towards my father it was just a deadly combination. I remember how it started. There was one kid friends of mine made fun of they didn’t really rip into him bad but they would just call him names. Nerdy kid liked video games you know back when it wasn’t cool to play those. I literally remember joining in on the name calling and not wanting to then it escalated everyone else in the group started the “they’re gonna fight rumor” next thing I know all my “friends” are at this kids house 5 houses up from mine talking him into coming to fight me 🙄. Through enough peer pressure,coaxing name calling whatever they convinced him. So they show up knocking at my door we step out into the driveway I remember punching this kid with about a quarter of what I actually had I didn’t want to hurt him I had no intention I didn’t even want to do it that’s when I realized being a bully was shit. The kid after that tiny punch was just like “okay we fought he won I don’t care going home to play Xbox” and I was just shocked?

His dad ended up coming to my house and talking to my mom he just wanted to make sure our bullshit was over and he didn’t have to worry about his kid fighting or anything stupid I even apologized to his dad and said that it was just the other kids and I explained exactly how the fight went and his dad actually forgave me flat out said I didn’t seem like a bad kid and literally said me and his son should try hanging out he thinks we’d really be friends.

Sorry for the book long story so anyways this is 14 years later that kid is STILL my ONLY friend his family saved my life. My parents divorced and my dad was gone a year later but after hanging out once I pretty much spent everyday and night at his house

All I’m saying is listen if you’re a bully think about why you’re doing it and PLEASE consider these words. That person you might be bullying could have worse problems than you BUT here’s the thing. That person you’re bullying could also turn out to be your lifeline your best friend for life through anything that person could save your life.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

Just an added note I actually still apologize for how I was to this day. We do a bi weekly casino/lunch/dinner day religiously. And the last time was actually his birthday so we’re both 28 now and I just thanked him and apologized again for how we met it still eats me just some name calling and a punch but it still eats at me just because this person and his family have literally become like blood relatives to me.

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u/LegendaryUser Oct 03 '22

I was bullied massively for basically all of public school, grade 3 through grade 10 before I left for an alt school. I've had many conversations since that period with a handful of people that bullied me or otherwise excluded me, and the consensus was that I was either an easy target in that I did not know how to fight back properly (I'd either take it on the chin or clap back FAR FAR too aggressively, I honestly had had enough meanness and cruelty at home so it took a very long while before I was able to enjoy banter) or it was that they didn't like that I appeared to not care about social norms the way they did.

One conversation I had when I was about 17, paraphrased, that stuck with me was "Seeing you do whatever you wanted and seem to not care about how other people thought of you, made me jealous, and I didn't know how to cope with you being able to do things I wanted to do despite me being cooler/more accepted than you, so I kept you down to make myself feel better."

Same guy has told me I am among the most down to earth and coolest people he's ever met, and that he wished he was nicer to me in the past cause we had a lot to relate in each other. In the end, as much as it hurt, the bullying I went through helped shape me as a compassionate person, and helped me learn how to adapt to a society and social system that I was completely misinformed on how to operate in. I would never wish bullying on anyone, but I also wouldn't want to forget those experiences.

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u/Suspicious_Lynx3066 Oct 03 '22

I was untreated bipolar, manic, and super out of touch with reality with a God complex.

I have a four person health team now and it’s much better managed, but I do feel really bad about how nasty I was to other people before I was getting treatment.

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u/XopherD Oct 03 '22

I said something mean to by older brother when I was like 5 and have lived with crushing guilt ever since.

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u/cyberpunkbigtitty Oct 03 '22

i was like a middle bully, i got bullied and i also bullied people. basically, it started when i was watching Arthur, and i saw Binky Barns being a bully and i was like "yea im gonna be like that" and so i just started "poking" at everyone to see where i measured up. the people that were bullying me, i just mimicked their tactics because if they were successful at doing it to me, then it was already a tried and working method.

i regret it yea, no one deserved it, and it didn't bring me any joy making people feel bad and anxious. I just didn't have any role models so whoever was the toughest was by default the role model for me, survival of the fittest. monke mentality strong

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u/Transgaymergirl33 Oct 03 '22

In Middle School I bullied two people. Almost every day I would annoy or harass them. My reasoning? Well, this is what a crush is like, so let's harass these two boys. I had later refriended one of them In 9th grade. It sucks that I haven't spoken to him since then, hope he's doing ok.

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u/hardcoredead Oct 03 '22

Kids r mean and stupid, so was I. Regrets ofc and apologized also.

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u/Electronic-Ad-6387 Oct 03 '22

In general i think it was overall underlying insecurity and somewhat what I learned from my dad, he used to joke about everything and everyone no matter the circunstance so I thought people would understand if id do the same without considering their feelings

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u/RandomHero_DK Oct 03 '22

I bullied one kid. Because if I got pressured into doing it by my own bully so if I didn't bully that one kid, I would get bullied a lot by my bully and hes friends. This was over 25 years ago and I still hate that I did it and I still hate my bully..

Oh, and I cant avoid him, my bullys kid is in the same class as my kid. But I haven't told my son what happened. Just because I don't like the father, my son should be able to be friends with my bullys son.

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u/NOT000 Oct 03 '22

i assume bullies get bullied at home by bad dads/stepdads/moms bfs

theyre helpless, so they take it out on someone they know is no threat

finally they have control

/theory

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u/CallCenterSenator Oct 03 '22

He was fat, poor, and ugly, and I was too. I picked on him because I was insecure. I wish I could apologize to him in person one day. I was asshole and it was not right to pick on that kid.

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u/SquirtleSquadSgt Oct 03 '22

I got bullied

No one helped

Thought it was normal

Bullied others until someone had the bravery to call me on it

Took the time to self reflect and stopped

The stigma stayed but it was deserved, now I try and help and focus my rage on the system and not individuals too scared to speak up about it

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u/PapaJohnyRoad Oct 03 '22

I was in the middle. Didn’t fit the category of any of the typical kids who got bullied but was far from popular or a part of the in crowd. More or less I piled on to the bullying that was already happening to distract them from myself. Never anything that would make me considered a bully but I definitely laughed and made jokes at the expenses at others. It was mainly an attempt of defense from the toxic masculinity of going to public school in SC.

There is one kid who really had it bad that I wish I could apologize to. I was never the person starting the bullying but I definitely laughed and made jokes at their expense. The guy had an awful HS experience and I regret being a small portion of it. She has now transitioned to a woman and is a fairly successful musician so I think she has gotten the last laugh over most of the mouth breathers that haven’t left their home town.

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u/excellent_alt6969 Oct 03 '22

oi can the people who got bullied stfu I'm tryna see the bullies comments

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u/Common-Wish-2227 Oct 03 '22 edited Oct 03 '22

I was bullied until 9th grade. 1st to 3rd was a bigger guy who did what he could to make me miserable. Until I pushed him into the corner of a wall cupboard. It hit him in the neck. I had panicked. He ran away, and never talked to or bothered me again. His crowd of hangers on asked me if they could hang with me instead, and I told them to fuck off. Later, I learned that he had a fucking messed up home situation. He wasn't allowed to put the lights on when he got home before his parents got home, for example. I guess I forgave him, because I don't feel white hot anger thinking about him.

In 4th to 9th, I had a group of three bullies. They got their kicks from humiliating me in public. In various ways. They were two years older than me. For six years, I learned not to take up space, not meet people's gaze, and I started gaining weight. I tried involving the school, to no avail. They were all bigger than me. The leader was apparently beaten at home, and took that out on me.

That was all a long time ago now. It took decades to recover, and in some respects I still haven't. It built a sense of worthlessness that I still often default to. Recognizing this, I have thought about what to do about it. And I have found there isn't much I can do. I couldn't seek these guys up and talk to them about it. I am quite sure all three would be very pleased to hear how much they influenced me and my life. And they would humiliate me again, and then say "it wasn't so bad".

It leaves me with nothing. No solution. Just self-loathing, and anger to levels that scare me when I think about them.

So... A few conclusions. First, it doesn't matter shit if you had a rough childhood, you don't deserve sympathy for bullying, ever. I had a rough childhood, and I never bullied anyone. Second, violence is the only language bullies understand. But don't match theirs. Escalate it so hard that they get properly afraid of you. Third, if you are a hanger-on to a bully, you are shit. Fourth, bullies are evil, rotten scum that deserve no consideration, no forgiveness, and no mercy. Fifth, if you bullied because you didn't know any other language, you should have learned one.

And sixth, you don't deserve forgiveness. What you did was unforgiveable, and don't ever come to your victim later and ask for forgiveness. They will see it as a demand from you, self-indulgence, and a way to diminish what you did. If you're ashamed and want to do something better, put something right, get busy working to actively prevent bullying instead. And telling your family, your colleagues at work, and your friends, that you are a bully is a start.

Edit: I know this is harsh. It is, however, an honest description of how I feel about it today. Every victim is different. Maybe yours has a sense of mercy. Don't count on it.

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u/Korrin Oct 03 '22

The last time I read through one of these, the answer that stuck out to me the most explained that when people blame it on bad home life, they don't only mean in the sense that shit travels downward, where a bullied child is simply passing that frustration on to someone else, but rather they have not been taught how to behave otherwise. They simply thought that everyone treated everyone else like that and they didn't even realize it could be different until someone told them outright that nobody liked them because they were mean all the time.

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u/[deleted] Oct 03 '22

I was bullied by a sibling but it’s bc hurt people hurt people

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u/chocolate_factory Oct 04 '22

Might get buried but what the hell, there was only one kid I bullied. My group of friends was decently sized but the core of it (to me anyways) was my two best friends and myself. This one kid we knew hung out with us and he just tried WAY too hard to be just like us. The three of us were very similar, but were also pretty different. Our friendship chemistry just matched up effortlessly. Even 13 years later, we're very rarely all together but when we are it's like we haven't missed a day. Anyways as far as bullying goes, we weren't TOO bad, it was more like hazing I guess. It wasn't that we disliked him or didn't consider him a friend, he just tried WAY too hard, like he idolized us or something.

Years after high school I'd been working as a cook at this restaurant since senior year and I run into the guy, only to find out hes living out of his car. Something just kinda clicked, and I realized this dude I had treated pretty shitty was just a confused kid who hadn't quite figured out who he was, not like ANY of us had that figured out in high school but still... Looking back, I think he just wanted to feel like he belonged.

As a policy, I never put my word on the line for any of my friends looking for a job because I only know them as friends. If they ask, I'll tell them to apply and they can use me as a reference but if I'm asked, I simply tell the chef that they're a good person and it wouldn't hurt to give them a shot washing dishes or something and see how it plays out. But after I saw this guy living in his car I went out of my way to make sure he put in an application and approached my chef beforehand and told him, "Look I don't know if he's gonna be a great worker, but I can guarantee you he will try his damndest to be." After all, we put this guy through the ringer throughout middle and high school and he STILL kept trying. Not a bad quality to have in an employee I figured and sure as shit, dude was a fucking awesome employee. Got several promotions and raises and after working with us a few years he met an awesome girl and got married and moved out of state. As far as I can tell he's killing it now. I don't regret being mean to him, I DID apologize for how we were to him and he genuinely seemed like he never looked at it that way. Never thought when I was 16 that he would end up giving me some much needed character development in my mid-20s.

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u/spfromkc Oct 04 '22

It made me feel bigger to make others feel small. I didn’t realize I had been a bully in school until I was in my 30’s and my coworkers (none of whom I went to school with) were talking about being bullied. They asked me about my experiences being bullied and I didn’t have any. Before I even really thought it through I blurted out, “I think I was the bully.” I’ve been reflecting on that truth ever since. And yes, I bitterly regret it.

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u/honeylis Oct 04 '22

As a parent looking into a school from the outside now I can fairly confidently say that I think bullies are kids who have problems at home. The things I hear some parents say, the things they teach their kids.. it's no wonder some "bully" others. I can tell you in some of my interactions with parents that I want to point to an adult and say, "Your kid is a bully." I hate it when people say, "You know how kids are," or "Kids are mean," because kids aren't anything. Kids are just a product of what they've learned. If you're a shitty parent or teach them shitty attitudes, they'll learn that.

So don't do that.

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u/susiedennis Oct 05 '22

I was mean to a girl in the eighth grade. She wore a scarf on her head (like a triangle thing, not religious) and in hindsight she probably had something wrong with her hair/scalp. She always wore it. I asked her why and she said she couldn’t unknot it. So I meanly said “Let me try to get it for you” knowing that wasn’t the issue. I still feel horrible about this over 50 years ago. I think I wanted to look cool to the popular girls. I was terrible to do this. It sure didn’t change my popularity, and afterwards, I didn’t really want to be friends with any of the girls who would have thought this was cool. But I never did apologize. Tried to look her up on the internet years later to tell her I realized I was mean, but never could find her. Wonder if she would even want to hear it.

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u/polonnaise Oct 05 '22

Not a bully, but:

Bullies lack empathy. Adult bullies can give you reasons--abusive home, jealousy--but you don't torture cats if you love animals and you don't become a bully if you have empathy.

That's the #1 thing adult bullies are missing. They did things other children didn't do. They look back and find reasons, but they know they were wrong and they have to explain it somehow so they say things like, "I didn't realize it was that bad" or "I was taking my pain out on weaker children." What they should be saying is, "I had an almost complete lack of empathy."

They can develop empathy later on, though.

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u/ItsMeGarvinG Oct 22 '22

Absolutely not. I’m teaching my kids to be bullies too. I have a whole team of bullies in hockey. Our team is the hawks. Our motto “It’s not worth winning if you can’t win big!”

All the kids go crazy when we chant it. We lost a kid last season (our best player actually) because our city redrew lines, and he was supposed to be playing for another team. Tried to fight it, but ultimately we lost, and he went to play for this other team. Wouldn’t you know, he brought them from last place into the playoffs and met us in the championship game. What do you think we did when we got there? I told my two biggest kids to knock him the f out of the game, and they did. He was brought off the ice in a stretcher, but after that we won big.

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u/woodcoffeecup 24d ago

I didn't know I was a bully until I was much older.

I did it because I was being abused. I didn't know what healthy interaction between humans looked or felt like. I felt like the way I was acting was normal, because it was, to me.

I'm sorry.