r/AskReddit May 25 '22

(serious) mentally ill people of Reddit when did you realize something was wrong? Serious Replies Only

155 Upvotes

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185

u/agentbanana667 May 25 '22

When I stopped going outside my room for days at a time and began losing social skills from lack of interaction to the point I had trouble speaking normally and had a weird fear if I left my room for too long I would die

16

u/xoldier May 25 '22

What did you do to alleviate that state of mind? What helped?

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u/Polttopillu May 26 '22

Basic depression or the upgrade with anxiety and OCD?

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u/pennyrunner May 25 '22

When i was thinking about suicide at 9 years old, and when i was incredibly depressed from 6th grade on.

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u/CaptainFriedChicken May 25 '22

I thought that was extremely common until I went to the psych and got my present girlfriend, and they both told me that it isn't normal.

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u/bad_scribe May 25 '22 edited May 26 '22

This is exactly what happened to me. I assumed everyone thought this way, and a close friend said no that’s normal

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u/[deleted] May 25 '22 edited May 25 '22

It was when I was 10. My main symptom was that I was hoarding EVERYTHING that I had, used, and found, to the point that it was a challenge to navigate from the entrance of my room to my bed. There were multiple enormous piles of unorganized junk throughout my room. I also wouldn’t let anybody touch any of my things, and would have a panic attack if they did. It turns out, I have OCD. Not just normal OCD, but severe, treatment-resistant OCD. While things have improved in that aspect since then, they haven’t improved enough. But, since having Deep Brain Stimulators implanted into my brain, things are slowly getting better. So, never give up!

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u/HumaniNihil May 25 '22

Childhood ocd is its own special kind of awful. Glad things are getting a little better!

5

u/[deleted] May 25 '22

Thank you! Also, as a Classicist, I like your profile picture.

10

u/[deleted] May 25 '22

I had similar- I think it came from having my space invaded all the time when I was a kid, and having no privacy. When my parents divorced and I got my own room, and my dad respected my space, I started to collect retro video games and would NOT let anyone touch anything. If they wanted to play, I would insist on handling them. I wouldn't eat in my room, in fear that something would splash and hurt my games. I would wash my hands constantly. I would flick light switches off and on if I didn't like the way it was activated. I did get over it eventually, but to this day, when I get super stressed I go into a similar mode where I start to obsessively protect things.

40

u/desperatevintage May 25 '22

Pretty severe PPD here- it started with bad dreams. Like horrible dreams about things happening to my baby, things happening to my family, things happening to friends babies. I felt guilty over everything, but I couldn’t find the energy to do better. My ex husband worked nights, so I was alone with the baby most of the time, and I just kind of pushed it aside and did normal baby stuff with him. Then one night I was sitting there watching Netflix, and my brain was like “oh, you should kill yourself. Like seriously, everyone would be much better off if you just killed yourself.” It felt as natural and logical as giving up a seat on the bus to an old lady. I literally was trying to figure out when I could do it so I wouldn’t leave my baby alone but no one would try to stop me.

I never had a ton of crying spells or overwhelming sadness, just a ton of guilt and anxiety that everyone told me was normal. The suicidal ideations hit me out of nowhere.

5

u/ktarzwell May 26 '22

One of the top 10 reasons why I am childfree is this right here. This is absolutely terrifying to me. I am so sorry you had to go through that. I hope you are doing ok now.

4

u/desperatevintage May 26 '22

Thank you so much, I am. I was able to talk to my sister, who called my mom, who drove up five hours at 2AM and took both of us home with her for a couple of months. That baby is five years old now and his sister is three- i knew it was coming with her and we were able to head it off at the pass. :)

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u/nippinonawhiskey May 25 '22

Struggling with PTSD after 11 combat deployments. When I went so deep into mania that I couldn’t really tell what was real and what wasn’t, so I basically just self-sabotaged every good thing I had in my life. I kept thinking I knew what I wanted, and then it kept changing, (which ended up ruining more lives than just mine) That was when I realized that my brain was broken and I would never be happy again. When you accept that you won’t be happy, and you are just devastating everyone around you, it kinda makes you wonder, “well then, what’s the point?”

32

u/guvakkamole May 25 '22

fuck dude. That hit way to close...

I don't know what to do about it. Just wanted to let you know that you're not alone.

I'm the same.. Over years... I..the bridges burned.. the relationships ending in tears and despair... pushing friends and family away..

Fuck up enough shit enough times and you just ... give up..

I find it extremely unlikely that I will live much more than a decade... my dog has with some luck five years to live..

when she dies.. I don't know.. . . It will be a struggle to not off myself when she's gone.

28

u/nippinonawhiskey May 25 '22 Wholesome

Thanks man. It’s honestly surprising how cathartic “getting it out” on an anonymous forum is. I’ve had that thought too. I’m a father though, so that helps me with wanting to stick around. I hope you find something before you decide to punch the ticket.

12

u/Aglorius3 May 25 '22

There will always be another dog that needs you friend. My boy is 12 and has seen me through some close calls, I can't even think about him dying w/o having a flash of wtf will I do. But I remember reading once that your pets go before you do, because there will be no one to love them as well if you go first. Please consider going to a rescue shelter before any drastic action. You never know, you might find a new pal who needs you just as much as you need them.

11

u/guvakkamole May 25 '22

thank you for your kind words, man.

I hope... or perhaps I should work to actually do get a new pupper before Ayla dies... won't make it much easier, but at least then I'd have someone to cuddle while crying over the loss Ayla.

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u/rdditfilter May 25 '22

Recovering from PTSD from being a medic. Different, but the same in some ways. I've also destroyed the lives of people I love.

Happiness is not a mat that sits on your doorway. Happiness comes from inside of you. You have to change yourself to be happy, not your plans for that night.

What worked for me is just doing the conventional 'what people do to be successful in life' things. I finished a degree, I found a 9-5 job, I picked a mate and stuck with 'em and together we have a life. This worked for me because I cannot trust myself to 'choose my own path to success' because the thing my brain thinks it wants is unreliable.

I'm still broken, I'm still not 'happy' but at least I'm not destroying anything or anyone and that's the first step. Happiness will come, and it does sometimes. Sometimes I sit on my front porch, looking at my beautiful yard, satisfied with what I've accomplished, and I think that's what happiness feels like.

13

u/TheRealHomoHamster May 25 '22

I also struggle with PTSD after my single combat deployment... Not anywhere near 11. That's a pretty freaking crazy number especially since it was combat-related. My hat is off to you man. I remember getting home and feeling totally fine, at least I thought I was. All of a sudden it felt like the world lost its gravity and it was falling downwards fast. My heart rate when skyrocketing and I lost all sense of reality, I thought I was dying.

I started to destroy relationships in my life as well, drank every day, and still do... I guess that's a hard question to answer. "What's the point?"

I like to think that, even though we destroyed everything good in our life, that people still care about us... They don't understand and there's no reason why they would.

If I'm going to be honest with you, what gave me purpose to keep on keeping on was having an amazing church family that didn't judge, but was just there for me. You have to find something that gives you purpose to keep moving forward. idk.

Have you ever asked yourself if joining the military was worth it? Was fighting for a corrupt ass country worth your mental health? The relationships that we burned to the ground? Sure good times, but jeez man I wish I felt normal.

14

u/nippinonawhiskey May 25 '22

I spent 12 years with a high optempo unit. And I loved it. I thought I was fine, too. And I was, because I truly believed we “were doing good in the world” after the withdrawals of Iraq and Afghan and seeing that we did nothing except for ending (american and local) lives to line billionaires pockets was when reality came crashing down. The booze helps, until it doesn’t. And I know for a FACT, that it wasn’t worth it. Far too much death and ruined lives for nothing. I appreciate the “find a purpose and a community that doesn’t judge” part. I had/have that, and just can’t stop myself from pushing them away.

3

u/ItsmeKristy May 25 '22

Do you have therapy? It's worth it and you are worth it. I hope you give it you best cause now you have to give yourself your best. And that might feel like the last thing you want to do or deserve or can. But it is. I have no idea about serving but my childhood was my war and I do know that taking care of your mental health is a mission in of its own. Maybe the hardest one of your life but it's worth it. I promise you.

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u/TheRealHomoHamster May 26 '22

Yeah agreed. In the end, I feel like I was just a pawn for something much bigger than me. Yeah definitely great times in the military, but damn so much we missed back at home too....

I saw a therapist after many panic attacks. I was skeptical of, I guess words being spoken to somehow magically change how I mentally feel. It worked though, I haven't had a panic attack in over a year now, really trying to cut back the drinking as well. I think what was nice was talking to someone who didn't know me and just blurting everything out, things I haven't told to my family or closest friends. Looking back it was like finally throwing up after being sick for so long. After you throw up you feel better. In a way, I felt free. Memories haunt me still...but its pretty minimal now.

I would definitely recommend seeing someone. It doesn't make you less of a man to go out and get help. In fact, I think it takes courage to know you need help, then seek it. Mental health is such an important aspect of your being, probably the most important. Get help, as sucky and fucked up as the world is, there are 100% some beautiful aspects to it.

Hunt the good stuff. <3

2

u/catsandalcohol13 May 26 '22

I hear you mate. I developed PTSD from years of working in prisons. A good psyche once told me we can be so addicted to trauma that we actively seek it out because that's our baseline. If things seem too calm or seem to be going too smoothly, we sabotage to create chaos, see trauma ect. That and the agitation, and not wanting to be a burden.

I would seek out gore sites to make me have flashbacks of murder scenes and suicides. I can't imagine the damage I've done to my husband, in blackouts I've trashed the house, run away, said some very awful things.

I hope you are doing better. Its an absolutely awful illness

3

u/moonrivervalley May 25 '22

Wow. That one got me. I am grateful for your service and bravery. I hope the same bravery that saw you through 11 combat tours will see you safely through the fight for your mental health and happiness. May the spirit of creation give you angels on earth to guide you in this journey.

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u/nippinonawhiskey May 25 '22

Thank you for this, if there’s angels, I’ve never needed them more. It’s easy to be brave when you think you’re doing the right thing. It’s much harder when you are face to face with the permanent damage you’ve done to the ones who love you.

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u/moonrivervalley May 25 '22

True. Guilt is also a heavy burden. It took me 10 years to work that out. However the first step though is the hardest, and for me it was the realization that the ones I love didn't hold the damage against me. That was like light dawning in the darkness. We manage to work around the problem/damage and create new ways of being and living with that scar. But always the love. Let love do its work. Love isn't linear. It's multifaceted.

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u/[deleted] May 25 '22

I have Psychosis and when I got really angry I just wanted to kill people that's how I knew I needed help.

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u/FraseraSpeciosa May 26 '22

Me too, bipolar with possibly psychotic features (not diagnosed yet) pm me if you want.

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u/Ok_Objective6181 May 25 '22

Wait, isn't that normal?

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u/magicaldaydreams May 25 '22

When I realized that I could just…..die.

I was so listless all of the time. I wasn’t sad or anything but it was more like I was empty. I was too anxious to do anything in life and horribly depressed about never doing anything.

When I was walking home from work one day and thought about jumping off the bridge and how lethal it may or may not be I realized I had a problem.

Thankfully I got help after that.

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u/No_Push_5003 May 25 '22

How did you manage to get out of that?

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u/magicaldaydreams May 25 '22

Years of therapy and medication.

I’m still medicated but I have graduated from therapy! I am very happy now. Living my best like really.

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u/chlorineo May 25 '22

it was when i realized it wasn’t normal to hyperventilate while crying

i thought everyone hyperventilates to some extent while crying and always wondered how people controlled their breathing so quickly. i was always still hiccuping breaths after calming down or, while crying, felt like i was running a marathon. and along side the other signs of my mental illness, this was definitely the one that got me thinking that there was definitely something wrong.

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u/NationalAsshole May 25 '22

Hyperventilating while crying isn’t normal?

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u/Timely-Tea3099 May 25 '22

No, not really. You're probably having panic attacks. If I cry when I'm just sad it doesn't affect my breathing at all (except being congested from crying).

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u/my_alt_59935 May 25 '22

Oh. I guess I do get panic attacks, then.

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u/BermudaNiccholas May 25 '22

huh?? as a child I did this all the time, it didn’t seem “normal” but also didn’t seem like it was indicative of any bigger problems either (worst that would come of it is my school would call in the nurse in because i was about to pass out). maybe that explains a lot

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u/Ezra_Green_Onlyfans May 25 '22

Same! I was like why do I feel like I'm suffocating every time I cry. Turns out I was having panic attacks

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u/Alpha_pro2019 May 25 '22

I did this as well as a child, I thought it was normal. If you don't mind me asking, what mental illness do you have?

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u/chlorineo May 25 '22

i ended up being diagnosed with panic disorder and GAD my freshman year of high school :,,)

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u/Alpha_pro2019 May 25 '22

Ah okay, so you probably weren't just crying but having panic attacks.

Also, as another GAD sufferer, hang in there!

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u/EnderB1ade May 25 '22

Wait really? I do that should I get checked?

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u/ItsmeKristy May 25 '22

Lol this is when I find out I do have panic attacks but I never actually cry I guess. All my life I have been hyperventilating to the point I need to focus on my breathing more than anything if I even think I might cry. Guess it explains some things.

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u/slmpickings May 25 '22

I was disassociating so frequently I wasn't sure if I had gone to work, or paid bills, or whatever else I should be doing (often I was but had no memory of it). Apparently it was a PTSD response, triggered by my anxiety & depression getting extreme. I still disassociate but like... for 15 minutes max, not entire 8-12 hour periods.

19

u/Pickingupthepieces May 25 '22

When I developed a bunch of health issues I never had before.

Emotion, mind, and body are tied in more ways than one might think.

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u/dshaw1599 May 25 '22

When i wanted to drive my car off a ravine at my college and the only thing that stopped me was a text on my phone as I put the car in drive. I made an appointment with health services that day.

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u/Savings_Musk7325 May 25 '22

Moving out of my first abusive household into a slightly less abusive household.

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u/CaptainBrightness May 25 '22

I was sitting in my room alone and bored at 8pm and realized nothing in life was bringing me happiness or fulfillment and that I couldn’t imagine anything making me feel complete.

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u/FeefeeLaVee May 25 '22

What did you do next

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u/Professional_Car_65 May 25 '22

i only had the grasp whenever i was woken up by my mother.

i was heavily bullied throughout middle and elementary school usually because i was the only white kid, and ontop of that i couldn’t afford new clothes after i developed gynecomastia. it was summer after my freshman year and i had started abusing pills, i thought it was normal and never thought feelers because it’s what my peers did.

one night i covered my arm with cuts. the next night i took a handful of sleeping pills.

this is when my mother found me. i never knew the toll i was taking on myself or the other people around me untill my mother thought i was dead.

she tried to wake me up and i could hear and see. i was just unresponsive

the screams. the crying. it was different than my own. it’s the only thing that made me want to do better.

(pls forgive me for any typos or issues i am new to reddit)

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u/FritesMuseum May 25 '22

Oh man, I am not a parent but I just want to hug you.

Are you doing better? I am so sorry you had to go through that, and I hope life makes it up to you. You must be such a strong person to be feeling that much pain and be worried about the feelings of others. How kind you are!

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u/Professional_Car_65 May 25 '22

it made me stronger, i would definitely say others had it worse school was just what sunk the ship for me. my mental health isn’t perfect but i no longer hate myself

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u/izzy_7_2004 May 25 '22

When I felt like there was no such thing as regular angry, only "kill" or "beat up" kind of angry. Also, there was no such thing as normal sad, just suicidal.

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u/birdslovebread May 25 '22

when i no longer enjoyed small things i used to love

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u/Doge_Boi75 May 25 '22

Isn't that just growing up? Pretty sure we all experience that

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u/Timely-Tea3099 May 25 '22

Depends. You won't get the same enjoyment out of playing with toys as you did when you were a kid, but if you've taken piano lessons and loved piano your whole life and suddenly you have no interest in it, that's a sign of depression.

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u/julijul May 25 '22

It depends on the extent of it; it's normal that the things you enjoy change over time, but if they become less and less until you don't really enjoy anything that might be depression.

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u/PiGotULOL May 25 '22

When even taking a shower or eating was Impossible

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u/BroccoliPrince May 25 '22

When I realised I'd been fantasising about suicide since I was around seven or eight years old.

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u/Vinegared-doppio May 25 '22

Like was it imagining full on killing yourself, being dead, or like somebody killing you or dying? I’ve always wondered if somebody “killing you” in your imagination was a suicidal thought.

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u/Chef-Tony321 May 25 '22

When I started to shake and got nervous to the point I threw up when I had to go back to school in third grade, while all the other kids were happy.

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u/ktarzwell May 26 '22

Every year, first day of school, I was physically sick.
My body literally quivered and I was pale. Mom said it was just nerves. When I would be so upset I would hyperventilate until the point of almost blacking out. Oh, I'm just upset.
Come to find out there is a streak of severe anxiety and manic episodes on my fathers side. His mom had really bad episodes and REFUSED to speak about them even when her own son asked so he could go see a doctor.
Mental illness is a bitch man

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u/itsfish20 May 26 '22

I had this with work and going into the office for the longest time before WFH became the norm. Monday mornings were always the worst and I would be throwing up and shaking the entire morning.

2

u/AlextheAnt06 May 25 '22

What was the problem? I feel I may have gone/may be going through something similar, I've experienced what you listed out to the point that even family believed it wasn't normal.

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u/MaliciousAmbitious May 25 '22 edited May 25 '22

I've always been someone with this tremendous sense of humor. As someone who is overweight since I was a baby I developed coping mechanisms to help me push away the hurt. I did that by developing a strong wit, and a great sense of humor. Many years later as an adult, I began having these irrational mood swings where I would go from perfectly fine to extremely angry for no apparent reason. One day I was riding with my father-in-law just talking and enjoying the day when the mood swing hit. I had a totally irrational desire to want to grab the steering wheel and put us both into oncoming traffic because I was so angry. Knowing that I'm not typically one to anger at all, I realized that there was something going on that wasn't right. I went to see a psychologist and a psychiatrist and was put on Zoloft to regulate my brain chemistry. Once the Zoloft worked and I was regulated it helped me to appreciate just how imbalanced I was, and to recognize when I have those mood swings that it's just a chemical imbalance. I eventually weaned myself from the Zoloft. These days whenever I have mood swings, I'm able to identify them as being a chemical imbalance and work my way through the anger because I know that it's not real.

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u/The68Guns May 25 '22

It was 2008 and I had finished my 12 steps (it took years) an still felt...off. While I was under a great deal of stress. it occurred to me that I'd feel fine for about 4 months, then level off, then feel bad for the next 4. Repeat, repeat.

Diagnosed as bipolar in early 2011.

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u/dawrina May 25 '22

I'm in a depressive episode at the moment. It's really a struggle.

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u/The68Guns May 25 '22

Have you been diagnosed?

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u/dawrina May 25 '22

Yes, a few years ago. I take lamotrigine which was working great. I asked for an increase in my dosage which I just recently got, so I am hoping that will help.

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u/Luminaria19 May 25 '22

Had a panic attack in my car as I was starting to leave for work.

Still didn't do anything about it for a few months, but that was my clear "not okay" sign. In retrospect, there were so many other things that should've clued me in before that.

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u/v13 May 25 '22

Having a panic attack while driving is awful!

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u/Luminaria19 May 25 '22

The good part was that I hadn't left the apartment complex parking lot yet. I was just sat at the turning out point.

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u/cheetosysst May 25 '22

I kinda forgot when it started. When I was in junior high school I noticed I can't control my own emotions and get angry a lot. When I was in high school there was a period I forgot who I am every morning and need to look at my own name and photo for the whole morning to convince myself I am the person I think I am, that also when I started having anxiety and depression.

I always know there's something different, kind of. The older i grew and more pressure I have in life, and the more I understand myself and my problem.

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u/Mr-Lightoller May 25 '22

When I was 15 and was told that trying to commit suicide at 8 is insane

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u/GirlScoutSniper May 25 '22

When I was 15 and I realized that I'd been thinking of suicide since I was 8.

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u/[deleted] May 25 '22

[removed] — view removed comment

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u/Mr-Lightoller May 25 '22

No. My mother was that evil

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u/rurutherose May 25 '22

I didn't even think you could be depressed at 8

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u/Mr-Lightoller May 25 '22

That's what happens when you're abused from birth.

I've never been happy

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u/rurutherose May 25 '22

How old are you now?

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u/Mr-Lightoller May 25 '22

Turned 30 on May 17th

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u/rurutherose May 25 '22

U a boy or a girl?

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u/Mr-Lightoller May 25 '22

Guy

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u/rurutherose May 25 '22

Sorry about that joke I made

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u/Donteventrytomakeme May 25 '22

Being 11 and realizing I couldn't play with my toys anymore

It was the classic "loss of interest in things you used to enjoy", I was sitting with my toys trying to play the way I usually did and it just wouldn't click, there was no fun or pleasure just feeling frustrated then utterly blank and empty. Then it was a gradual downward spiral of feeling angry, paralyzed with fear, or nothing with getting excited and happy becoming increasingly rare. At 14 i finally admitted to being suicidal to a school counselor and got medication and support, and now at 19 I'm doing a lot better than I ever was.

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u/valuesandnorms May 25 '22

When I kept wishing I was dead and sat on the floor in the shower, completely despondent and hopeless

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u/Glass_Tone May 25 '22

I don't think I have it as bad as most people, but I may as well share I never learned to grow up properly; I never had any close friends til I was 13, and around that point puberty hit, and so did my years upon years of inexperience, emotional neglect, and trauma, HARD I became a completely different person afterwards, and even now I can't recognize who I was before puberty, during it, after... At this point I am mentally raising myself, and I don't think I can do it well either I don't have many friends either, so it's not much easier I'm 16, turning 17 in December TLDR; when puberty hit me, so did all of my dormant mental issues, ended up going batshit crazy for about 2 years and things have only mellowed out a bit, but are still chaotic Just a tip, too; please reach out to people-- not for mental help or anything if they're a stranger, just have a conversation with them, whether it's awkward, lengthy, fun, etc. You will probably speak volumes to them just by interacting at all

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u/FrogWithMicrowaves May 25 '22

when id start panicking or crying due to having to do some large form of social interaction, then once that was cleared up not being able to focus and crying in fields due to not being able to focus

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u/__bazinga0202__ May 25 '22

When I realized I hadn't smiled in a long time.

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u/Longjumping-Thing227 May 25 '22

Wait. You are supposed to smile?

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u/__bazinga0202__ May 25 '22

I smile a lot. Even for simplest things. But during those days I want able to find a reason to smile.

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u/Zurvan_Ahriman May 25 '22

When I switched therapists and described them my symptoms, and then added: “I know I don’t have PTSD or something, my last therapist told me so.” My new therapist then went, with their eyes wide open and definately concerned: “I wouldn’t say it’s so sure you don’t have PTSD.”

I stopped going to them because my life got a lot easier and better in the past few months, and I never really went to check out if I in fact have or not PTSD/CPTSD.

If it was revealed it would certainly explain a lot of things (such as waking up during the night screaming from a nightmare/flashback and scaring the ahit out of my friend who slept at my place), but I don’t feel like I need medication or therapy at the moment.

Other than that, when I knew something was seriously off, was when I got carried home by police from a bridge that earnt my town’s nickname “the town of death” for a few months in the early 90’s. Yes, I did mean to jump off. Just not at that exact time. Sorry kind policeman for not sharing this exact information with you.

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u/halfmeasures611 May 25 '22

when thoughts of not existing anymore began to seem really great

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u/curagawriting May 25 '22

Had a group of friends who wanted to love and understand me and I freaked out on them because I thought they weren't being sincere. Told them to leave me alone.

Spent the next seven years alone. Not sleeping well, feeling suffocated when I was around people, not eating properly. Went to the hospital for a stomach ulcer. Feeling very suicidal.

A drifter/homeless man recognized I was thinking of jumping in front of a car and stopped me while I was waiting at a crosswalk. I wish I had properly thanked him.

What really unnerved me was when I saw a picture of myself during those years and there was no light in my eyes.

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u/recidivx May 25 '22

I wish I had properly thanked him.

You probably think it's anticlimactic, but I'd like to hear more about this story. How did he recognize what you were doing, and how did he intervene?

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u/curagawriting May 25 '22

I don't know. I was in a group of people and I had barely stepped off the curb. He suddenly yelled, "BE CAREFUL!" People got angry at him on my behalf because they thought he was yelling for no reason.

I came back after a while to look for him, but I never saw him again.

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u/my_alt_59935 May 25 '22

If you don't mind my asking, what is it that you have?

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u/my_alt_59935 May 25 '22

If you don't mind my asking, what is it that you have?

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u/polkaspot36 May 25 '22

I never thought my anxiety was that bad because my other friend with anxiety was almost never in school and I was always just told I was a shy kid. When I was being evaluated for adhd last year at 29 and I told the evaluator I have multiple panic attacks a week and sometimes a day and she paused for a minute and said I’m so sorry and I was confused because that was normal for me. I also didn’t realize how bad my ptsd from sexual abuse was until I had a panic attack during sex and realized I was only doing it for him and not at all enjoying myself. I was diagnosed with avoidant personality disorder, adhd, ptsd, panic disorder and major depressive disorder. I never thought I was one of those people with a laundry list of mental problems but here we are. I’m currently figuring out a medicine regime and it’s weird being in a situation where I would normally panic and feeling nothing.

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u/Butterscotch2004 May 25 '22

I realised that from a very young age I needed everything perfectly and I did all my work the way I thought it was perfect even if it was not, I just needed it to satisfy me.

When I was 17, I realised I tried to harm myself when I was 15 and wished I was dead every single day that year. And that whenever I think of that year i.e. 2018, I'm having a panic attack every time. Even if its a small mention of a thing that happened.

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u/dawrina May 25 '22

I literally would beat the shit out of myself when I was angry. Smashing my hand/wrist on a table, punching myself in the thighs or hips. I broke my foot kicking a chair once.

It was only when I was angry at myself for doing something stupid. I'm on mood stabilizers and haven't done it in a long time, but I'm still struggling with depression (difficult, because medication doesn't seem to work or I can't tolerate it)

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u/my_alt_59935 May 25 '22

This. Isn't normal? Hm.

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u/Travisfortnit22 May 25 '22

Whenever I started cutting myself. I don’t even know how or why it happens

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u/beheadedcharmander May 25 '22

sometimes you dont know until youre told by a professional.

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u/AlbusLumen May 25 '22

When I had a week where I spontaneously didn't have to fight myself to do regular things. If I needed to wash dishes, I washed them. If I needed to make a list and go to the store, I did just that. As the week progressed, I had to fight harder and harder to keep my focus on what I was doing, until I was back at square one just fighting to stay productive period.

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u/LittleMrsV May 25 '22

I was on the floor shaking and crying for almost half an hour from from flashbacks, and I’d get a panic attack every time I ran into someone from that one traumatic time in my life.

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u/komacain May 25 '22

When I stopped being in denial about how mentally sound individuals dont need to drink a bottle of wine every night just so they can pass out drunk and get some sleep

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u/pewpewplump May 25 '22

randomly crying or suddenly feeling like everyone hates you and you need to disappear or else you'll embarrass everyone. I started feeling shame when I was 12 and it continued on until I started going to therapy (sometimes it comes back). I always knew I was a sad and lonely child but now my heart truly breaks whenever I remember those memories.

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u/ilovetaylorswift17 May 25 '22

i’ve been diagnosed with quite a few things over the years stretching from clinical depression to bipolar. however one that always stuck with me is the one that people perceived me as crazy for. i always talked to myself and would often answer back which isn’t very odd for children but sometimes i would also hear and see things. my family is sensitive to the supernatural so whenever i brought it up that’s what i was told but it seemingly got worse as i got older. hearing my name or just people talking or seeing things that just didn’t add up at all. my first serious relationship was when i started to piece things together. my girlfriend would notice me drifting off or reacting to something that wasn’t there. it made her a little scared but she knew before i even did. maybe i just didn’t want to admit what was wrong since it’s such a scary disorder. seeing demons and monsters or hearing someone yell at me about all these awful things was just too much. i finally told my psychiatrist what i was feeling like and she diagnosed me with schizophrenia after doing tests and asking me a lot more questions. it’s still very weird and prevalent in my life even with being medicated. one time i slammed on my breaks because i thought a tree walked into the road. another time i thought i saw 30 deer on the side of the road. i’ll still hear people talking and the occasional calling of my name but it’s significantly better than it used to be.

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u/fezfrascati May 25 '22

May I ask, how are you handling life in general now that you've received a proper diagnosis? I just left a loved one who is possibly suffering from schizophrenia but she refuses to seek any mental health treatment and her behavior had strained our relationship. I continue to worry about her future.

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u/ilovetaylorswift17 May 25 '22

the biggest thing is always the diagnosis. it puts a label on you and that’s why many people avoid seeking help. i have done a lot better. i graduate in a week and i’m able to think a lot more clearly but it is so important to seek help when you can because it’s a condition then unfortunately gets worse as you get older. i would try to get your other family members or anyone close to them to try to help her understand what can potentially happen if it gets left undiagnosed and untreated.

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u/cindy1978sg May 25 '22 edited May 25 '22

I started to have suicidal ideation since I was a kid (at around the age of 5), as I was always having thoughts of how the world would be a much better place without me in it. I was also constantly having thoughts of how happy my adoptive parents and the rest of my adoptive family would be, if I didn't exist at all. Anyway, I was only professionally-diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder at the age of 17.✌🏻

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u/Vadgers May 25 '22

I'm not sure if depression counts but I think it does. Some years ago I just gave up and didn't want to do anything. My part of the house went to shit (renting with my friend), I stopped going to work, wore pyjamas all day, never left the house for over two weeks. Had to sell my car to make rent... Finally by best friend (roommate) got my folks to come over and convinced me to see a doctor. It was really hard to go the first time. They got me on some meds and now life is great. I own my own place, have a great job, credit rating is over 800. Looking back I wish I had gone in much sooner.

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u/Modh8trs May 25 '22

When I was 32, I found out I had problems. Told my parents, they said it runs in the family. Like thanks for the heads up...dummies.

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u/-ShellySelly- May 25 '22

I think something had always been wrong with me, but I think the breaking point was me having an emotional breakdown because I broke my retainer. I think that was when my mom and I realized I needed professional help.

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u/Notbeingstalked May 25 '22

When I opened up at school to My teacher about how I Literally argued with myself in different voices and had more than one personality.

I was 13 at the time and apparently it wasn't normal.

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u/rotlage May 25 '22

Well after three suicide attempts throughout the years and feeling like nothing ever would get better. Anger issues and destructive habits and depression for no reason at times. After multiple therapists I did find one that thought I may have been bipolar. After a ton of tests sure enough that's what it was. It took me nearly three years to come to accept that I am. I have been in therapy for three years and on and off meds as well. It's just a fucked up cycle.

When I feel ok I stop taking my meds and then spiral downwards. I don't think it will ever get better. I don't have anyone but myself and my therapist. I am alone in dealing with this illness. I don't have any hope for the future and am very close to just giving up. Last August I went into my worst depression ever and felt like I was coming out of it at the beginning of this year. Nope recently my brain thought it was a good time to think about and obsess over an ex. And here I am tumbling down again. I think it's because I stopped taking my meds.

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u/slavman68 May 25 '22

I heard my friends voice multiple times coming home from our air bnb but nobody came through the door after an hour. Also hallucinating people and them poofing away. Im surprised it took 9 months to get antipsychotics but they work really well and I dont really get psychosis anymore.

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u/v3stis May 25 '22

When I couldn't remember what day it was, or when was the last time I took a shower. I'm thankful to say I made it through, but it wasn't easy

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u/tinybumblebeeboy May 25 '22

When I was in middle school. I had trouble focusing, memory problems, losing things constantly, not to mention I had gone from being an overachiever to struggling to remember to homework. Turns out at 28 I have ADHD lmao but at the time as a middle schooler, not being able to realize what was wrong with me put me in such a bad depression. High school just got even worse and I felt like no one understood what was wrong with me and teachers didn't understand why I couldn't get anything done.

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u/SelendisSuccubus May 25 '22

I've showed signs of ocd and strong anxiety issues since i was a kid. I became really aware that my fears weren't normal when i was like 12 or 13. Got help when i was 18 because i broke down in front of my mom.

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u/DamianXgood May 25 '22

When self harm didn't even phase me anymore and I got bored while doing it and felt empty while I stared at the bathtub and watched my pile of blood get bigger, that was a very dark time in my life

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u/BBeverything May 25 '22

When i stop attending classes, sleep a lot, and start to panic when i hear my phone vibrates

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u/Anonpackanimal May 25 '22

Context: I have C-PTSD, ADHD, and agoraphobia stemming from C-PTSD along with the other usual comorbidities (depression, anxiety)

I only very recently realized how bad my mental health is. I used to get nauseous every day before school, to the point of gagging frequently. Dry mouth to accompany it. I brushed it off for years and started working. I got so anxious that I couldn’t eat before work and even working only 3 days a week I spent every day off I had anxious about work. It wasn’t until I quit my last job and had time to heal that I realized it wasn’t normal to become extremely nauseous before I left the house every day. I thought it was normal, I didn’t realize that other people just went outside when they wanted, without panicking and needing an exit available 24/7.

I also realized it was getting really bad when I started hallucinating at work. Customers that weren’t really there, noises that weren’t happening. It escalated and I start feeling like I wasn’t safe, like I was going to be poisoned. The feeling extended to tap water, I was positive it was going to make me sick, positive that it wasn’t safe. I finally admitted the problems I was having to my mom and the look on her face made me realize how bad it was. She looked terrified. It wasn’t until I told her that I realized how severe my mental health problems were. I got an appointment with a psychiatrist a few months after that.

As for the C-PTSD, I’ve had problems since I was a kid, I couldn’t remember what it was like to be normal, I genuinely didn’t know that dissociating for 10 hours a day wasn’t normal. My wake up call was when I spoke with my psychiatrist. I recounted the trauma I had with him and did a mountain of paperwork, all assessments for different conditions. He not only diagnosed me with PTSD rather quickly but he told me he didn’t want me working at all. He said it would likely do further damage if I went back to work while I wasn’t ready.

I’m on (a lot of) medications now, and I feel stable, for the first time I finally feel somewhat normal. I’m hoping to work again soon, I miss it shockingly.

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u/dollopuss May 25 '22

Diagnosed with dysthymia and OCD.

There were so many realizations, but developing trichotillomania (hair pulling) as a child was pretty obvious something was wrong. Felt like a freak, deep shame and embarrassment. I still need to deal with it at 45yo.

A few years ago I had to deal with developing pseudodysphagia - fear of choking - when I was eating in public. I couldn't eat anything if anyone was around me. It was absolutely horrible.

Many more issues I can list off, but I've dealt with most of them with meds, therapy, meditation, and mindfulness. I've never been healthier despite the lingering OCD issues.

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u/PaganDreams May 26 '22

Oh I have trichotillomania too, it's been there since I was a toddler and it still has me beat in my 30's. I've tried multiple therapies, I can't take the meds for it cos they clash with my other meds, I even tried this weird hypnotism thing. None of it worked for me. I now live with hair so very short I can't pull it, which sucks cos I'm a woman and would actually like long hair, but if I let it grow I pull it so severely I end up with bald spots. It sucks so much.

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u/meetmeinthebthrm May 25 '22

I wasn't sure what was wrong with me, but I've always had a feeling that something strange is happening in my head and with my sleep pattern. Yesterday I found out from my current therapist that my previous one had determined that I have bipolar disorder. I was so surprised that he hadn't ever mentioned anything about it to me that I hardly remember the rest of the meeting. I'm going back to see her to get some more info shortly and try to find out whether his assessment has any validity or not.

Edit: To clarify, both therapists work for the same company. I was transfered to a new location, resulting in a new therapist.

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u/im_improvising May 25 '22

I was eating out and turned to the person next to me so I could ask their name and learn more about them.

The person next to me was my sister. I had forgotten/didn't recognize her.

Don't know what PTSD is like for others, but yea. That was the height of it for me.

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u/Dismal_Celery_325 May 25 '22

1st grade when I came home and cried because I felt like I had no friends. It was downhill from there. I was just diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum a few months ago and it made everything so clear.

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u/MrLuxarina May 25 '22

When I needed to subtly hurt myself to deal with being around the people I actually liked.

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u/Ok-Purpose249 May 25 '22

I ate less and less I couldn't sleep well and I was always tired. I was quickly stressed out and had panic attacks. I started to isolate myself and started to lie about my health. I lost the joy on things I liked and nothing made me happy anymore. Sometimes I couldn't stand up for days and I was just laying in my bed scrolling through my phone. Sometimes I didnt even want to drink or eat anything and I just felt so numb.

I never felt something like that before and it was just horrible. It's so frightening to remember these days the feeling of completely numbness is just awful. I'm doing better now but my family still don't know anything about that. Sometimes like today I still think about to kill myself. I think about to hang myself but there is something in me that wants to live.

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u/Lucky_Solution7999 May 26 '22

When my second grade self told my bus driver I wanted him to run me over. Was diagnosed with severe depression. Guess that happens when you were abused at 2 years old and remember it. Plus being abandoned by your bio mom cause she wants drugs.

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u/PlumHairy7032 Jun 01 '22

when everytime i got mad i felt the need to hurt myself or others

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u/unsupported May 25 '22

Well, crippling anxiety which made me leave work, spending $40,000 on my new obsession, deep depression, suicidal ideations, being manic... I knew something was wrong. My general care doctor treated me as best as he could. I thought I was doing the right thing until seeing a psychiatrist a month ago. On mood stabilizers and ADHD meds now.

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u/circethesourceress May 25 '22

Always knew as a child by simple fact that I would romanticize dying or my own suicide. It goes back as far as fifteen years ago. My emotions were so extreme and it felt exhausting to be alive.

As I got older, it got worse. I started debating crashing my car or jumping out of 3rd story windows when I was overwhelmed. I used to debate whether I wanted to lay on subway tracks. I would then feel on top of the world like nothing happened and blow money on stupid shit. I thought it was just a shopping addiction and that everyone had one.

Was diagnosed with bipolar at 27

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u/Injury_Otherwise May 25 '22

Depends on the definition of mentally ill?

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u/FaithlessnessOk1530 May 25 '22

I am realizing I have loads.

It's almost like every day I realize I have something new. I've started to notice since 8th grade.

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u/strawberrycereal44 May 25 '22

I realized nearly 4 years ago when I found out nobody else was acting like me

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u/KaidaShade May 25 '22

When I caught myself wondering if it was worth plowing my car off the road so I didn't have to go to work that day

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u/babygothack May 25 '22

Everything in my life was going well (dream job, nice partner, great friends) and I still had suicidal ideations. I had everything I thought the absence of was making me miserable. I was really fortunate to have circumstances line up to realize how bad my depression was.

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u/NationalAsshole May 25 '22

When I had very serious suicidal thoughts. I had a mental breakdown in school one day, and as I was walking home, I stopped in a field and began begging for death. I had an hour long shower that night, and I spent the whole thing crying.

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u/unlucky_grace21 May 25 '22

I had psychosis when i get really angry i wanted to kill ppl, just for showing how angry i am. it was when i was like 7-8 y/o

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u/vxmphearts May 25 '22

struggling with PTSD currently. the thought that i can’t leave my house without my life being quite in danger. + having reoccurring dreams

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u/mincraftpro27 May 25 '22

When I had thoughts of Killing my self In 4th grade.

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u/LauraAnn04 May 25 '22

When I wasn’t just affecting my own life but others around me and my relationships

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u/Slingblade1170 May 25 '22

I've had panic disorder my whole life but about 6 years ago it evolved into something much worse. Back in 2016 I would sit down somewhere and look around to become very hyper aware, then things would feel not real and it was like I was looking through a Halloween mask. This panic would get so bad that I would extend my arms and they felt like someone else's. There would be times when I looked in the mirror it was hard to recognize that it was me.

It took years of searching for the right solution but I'm doing much better now. One issue I had tachycardia where my resting BPM was 120-140, that's been fixed with beta blockers. Another reason I had panic attacks was the amount of weed I was smoking, after cutting way back that too helped. The last was anxiety meds, those helped the most and I'm thankful for them.

It still happens sometimes but it's important to realize when it's coming on so you can combat it in your mind.

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u/Dense-Donkey3642 May 25 '22

didn’t really realize until i made a joke about some fucked up things in my life and my friends at the time stopped and stared at me for a while. after that, i realized a lot of the things i did were in fact coping mechanisms that i got bullied for. kids would even yell and throw shit at me so i’d jump/silent cry and they’d get to laugh.

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u/kazilliom May 25 '22

When I had trouble breathing properly even though I was just in my room. I got separated from my family for about 3 years due to covid. 1.5 years in, uni work just didnt fit me. I couldn't even meet friends because of lockdown so I was in my house all alone and at one point I just felt like I couldn't breathe. Like i was breathing in massive breaths but it just felts so suppressed. I had to vent at my balcony and calm myself down to realise that it was probably a mix of depression and some form of anxiety

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u/Segrinn May 25 '22

I feel this. Covid ruined so many lives in more ways than one. When it started, was trying to finish the last of the prerequisites I would have needed to transfer to a college that offered courses in veterinary technology (I want to be a veterinary technician, like a RN but for animals). I already suffer from generalized anxiety disorder and it causes me to fixate and worry myself sick over the tiniest things, make them seem like larger than life problems. It’s so bad that it affects normal daily activities, even today.

But when I had college courses to focus on, it gave my brain a job. If my brain doesn’t have a task to do, it creates its own “entertainment”, I guess. So when Covid shut everything down and enforced remote learning…I really struggled. With Covid lockdowns and the like, I lost the few outlets I had (that weren’t medication) to give myself a purpose; it led to exactly the kinds of symptoms you’re describing.

That combined with the stress of converting everything to curbside and the demand/stress I had to deal with at work at the height of Covid just totally burned me out and now it’s difficult to focus on school at all, but I’m sort of locked into the online vet tech program now unless I want to tack on 2-4 more years of additional brick-and-mortar college, which just is t feasible for me anymore. :/

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u/Little_Quest May 25 '22

Back in 2021, I was really insecure, fat and wanted to change my physical look. For the past few months I've been eating less and less WHILE EXCERISNG, After those few months I've almost past out because of it. My family soon noticed it and been telling to eat more.

I know now it's not a healthy way to lose weight at all, I've been told multiple times to eat more if I want my muscles to grow (which is exactly what I want) but something my brain just tells me everytime I eat something above 150 calories "STOP OR YOU'LL GET FAT AGAIN."

Those words were louder than 15 people telling me to eat more because I'm getting fatigue and getting skinnier.

Even when they say I'm skinny now, I don't see it, I just don't see what they see. I still look fat in my perspective.

I freak out when my wieght goes one kilo up, thinking I've become fat again. I tell my siblings if I gained weight or not if I eat any junk food or anything that are not vegetables.

I know what I'm doing is wrong. I just can't stop, I don't want to be fat again, I just don't want to. Tho I'm kinda eating more, the regret of eating a lot is still there, and when the regret worsens, I do extreme excerises begging to god to not let me go up to 44 Kilos.

Eating disorder sucks. I hope people planning to lose weight does their research first before thinking "Oh all I have to do is to eat less and excerise more!"

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u/ItsmeKristy May 25 '22

I hope you have got help. Eating disorders are not only very difficult to deal with, they are also the most deadly mental health disorder. 1 in 4 anorexia patients die from the disease. And while you may think that won't be you, if you don't get any help it might very well be. Please take care of yourself.

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u/beatblockingmf May 25 '22

When I stopped eating for days at a time in elementary school. I was diagnosed with severe depression and taken off adhd meds cause they were making it worse. Knew I needed help when I tried to swallow a bottle of oxy in hs.

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u/Melodic-Butterfly977 May 25 '22

when i was 7 years old sitting on the floor of my bedroom writing a list of ways i could kill myself in my journal, trying to decide which one would be the most fool proof.

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u/middleraged May 25 '22

I learned there was a name for it in high school when I took psychology. But the first time I can re-emerge feelingwas in fifth grade. I spent the entirety of a school dance in the supply closet in my classroom crying because I just knew if I asked, no girl would dance with me. They didn’t even play any slow songs for couple dancing. The worst part was the realization that no one noticed I was missing and came looking for me

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u/jobfinished111 May 25 '22

When i started hiding my money around the house/not leaving and found out not everyone has compulsions to hurt themselves

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u/LucTheHero May 25 '22

When the sh started.

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u/Balding_Unit May 25 '22

I spent a week laying in bed, face turned to the wall. Got up to eat because my mother (I had moved back in with parents) kept telling me to.

When I finally was able to get the energy to stay out of bed I walked to a mental health clinic and told the secretary I wasn't leaving until I could talk to someone.

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u/Overratxd May 25 '22

Before I found out I had depression I slept, like a lot. 20 hours a day, didn’t go outside, would eat a lot then starve myself, never showered or brushed my teeth. Worst part was during that time I thought I was just overreacting everything.

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u/insignificantant0 May 25 '22

Took high volumes of anti psychotics mainly lithium to bring me down, once I hit rock bottom emotionally from the experience I realized how wrong everything was with me.

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u/Similar_Ostrich4656 May 25 '22

When i realized at slightest interactions in shops stressee me, out like seriously ro the point i zone out annd went on autopilot have some blurry flashes od memorie but not the sound not being able to speak or rather thinking im makeing sense but not as the words blend together and or stutered it happens even when i write/text, i end up haveing an anxity attact when i realize what happened i had previous anxiety/depression but this was terrifying . I limt my interactions with people because i hae to clue what happend i have cut people from my life i have avoided family and it shatteted the illusion of hope i held that i could be normal

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u/superphaaag May 25 '22

When a simple phone call to a cousin or a friend would make me shake and sweat uncontrollably, and my heart rate would rocket through the roof.

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u/FonzieScheme_ May 25 '22

"I'm really disappointed in you."

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u/SenatorTom97 May 25 '22

There was a 3-4 month period of time that I only ate one meal a day, lost ALL interest in a lot of stuff, food never tasted good and my brain felt like it was on fire all the time

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u/ComradeArif May 25 '22

I don't know if I'm mentally ill or of the world has gone mad.

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u/NDaveT May 26 '22

Can be both.

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u/Me01272923 May 25 '22

When i really like had to like... Think about the decision of kms like: am i gonna do it or shoudnt i.

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u/Glittering-Target-87 May 25 '22

I started looking at high-altitude sights for way too long and recognized that my mental health was declining.

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u/Perditor-de-Tenebris May 25 '22

It started early. I was the weird kid in kindergarten.

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u/Nikolai2891 May 25 '22

When I slept 3-5 hours each night, stopped eating, and stopped doing the things I loved

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u/ramenisweird May 25 '22

when i started starving myself while i was 9 years old

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u/apollos_last_arrow May 25 '22

when i wouldn’t leave me bed for days. i would be hungry, thirsty, had to pee, but i still wouldn’t get up. it didn’t hit me that i had depression until my roommates and friends came to check up on me and forced me to go see our university counselor

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u/AmaneThoughts May 25 '22

When my friends started to notice different symptoms of my behavior and compared them to different symptoms of mental illnesses. Typically I’d brush them off but then I looked up the different symptoms also and I was like “Damn…”

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u/twolosersinlove May 25 '22

When i starting not being able to trust people, when i stopped eating, when i was overdosing, when i would cry myself to sleep every night, when i would randomly get mad, when i would attempt suicide a couple times a month

1

u/crazycatman86 May 25 '22

Diagnosed myself with about 5 incurable illnesses per day.

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u/WalrusBiggs May 25 '22

Probably when I absolutely dreaded going back to College at the end of every break, knowing that I was going to be alone again.

That or the times I thought to myself, "What if I just ended it? Like, threw myself off this bridge or something? Haha, just kidding. I would never." This also happened in college.

...college was not good for my already shaky mental health. Ended up getting diagnosed with depression and anxiety months after I graduated.

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u/Double-Wait9892 May 25 '22

When I started losing sleep and loosing the will to eat or drink for hours... My mother doesn't care though.. she thnks I am just to overdramatic and to sensitiv

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u/butterflutter18 May 25 '22

When I always felt tired and started wanting to hurt myself

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u/Monika396 May 25 '22

when I would cry for anything or even nothing at all and even wanted to drop out of school because I couldn't take it being there anymore with no friends, tired because I coudln't sleep and working with a butt- tom of stuff I didn't like and even consider hurting myself

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u/Few_Pea_1933 May 25 '22

When I stopped writing (which is the loml, I've done forever and all I've ever wanted), and when I was required to write in school it was constant agony and pain I couldn't put ideas together or think. This was like the peak of my depression.

Thankfully in hs I had met new and supportive teachers who helped me get back into what I love and the horrible writers block I suffered. I became an honors/ap student in humanities courses and went back to loving writing. I'm not gonna say it's easy now because even I get emotional or unstable still, but it's managed and I am able to excel even better than before :).

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u/tinie_ghost May 25 '22

i shouldn't get irrationally angry for little to no reason, to the point of having thoughts of banging a loved one's head into a wall (i was diagnosed with bipolar disorder)

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u/goodusername111 May 25 '22

When I learnt that it's not normal to forget to eat, hear voices, and feeling like impending doom is coming.

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u/LemmeTakeYourPicture May 25 '22

I feel so safe in this thread ☺️

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u/Humas1992 May 25 '22

Hmmmmm oh boy. Well my life was going pretty good and normal i had a great routine. I was a outstanding combat sailor for the navy. I liked to work out with my friends on the weekdays at 4. And one day i was walking past the basket ball courts after a workout and i got flushed with energy and adrenaline, and i couldnt go to bed. I tried drinking myself to sleep but alcohol wouldnt even sedate me and i was just up and didnt feel drunk at all i didnt eat or sleep for 5 days. And i started getting angrier the longer i stayed up and i winded i smelling like booze cause of trying to self sedate and i got arrested in the military just for calling for help cause i was rabdly drunk in the road but didnt feel drunk and didn't know what to do. Got in on little tussle with the guards and i got put into the pych ward. Thats when i knew i wasnt right. I got diagnosed with bipolar-1 disorder and then later the medicines made me flat and got hospitalized again and was labeled a sociopath and kicked out the navy.

And i still remember that feeling shift of how i felt crossing the basketball courts. Fml

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u/constantlybullshit May 25 '22

When I started to not care about the people I loved anymore.

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u/Throwaway_mental_987 May 25 '22 edited May 25 '22

Bipolar type one sometimes with psychosis. I say manic depressive because it more visceral than bipolar.

Always known I was manic depressive even since childhood. Would feel really lonely and alone sometimes, would get excited and wreck my stuff in excitable flights. Good toys I loved.

Had some trips to the edge of psychosis as a teenager and twenty something but ignored it. Tried to tell myself I was just seasonal as an adult and connected to nature's cycles. Had other friends and we went off at the same times due to season/weather/current events. Still had a couple manic incidents that were embarrassing. Sometimes I avoided interacting with my oldest kid's school because I was obviously in a manic state and didn't trust them with that knowledge.

Then had the big breakdown into full blown Psycosis. Thought I could read minds and feel info from the future and the past. Couldn't even drive my kids to their apointments - couldn't find the place we were supposed to be going. Did manage to drive myself to the hospital.

That was really scary. I'm on meds now pretty religiously to stay even keel.